Omg thank you for your extraordinary kindness! My PT was jst talking to me about the effects my negativity could be having on my pain and to be honest, I don't know anymore! It's been 15 yrs-my entire adult life (first the 80+ terrifying ER visits before endometriosis diagnosis then 40+ post-diagnosis). I'm starting to feel like my whole life is a shit show lol
I DO apologize for my incessant apologies, it's jst that my entire life it's been drilled into my head I'm nothing but a "burden, a disappointment and a failure" so whenever anyone even suggests I'm doing something wrong, is second nature for me to accept defeat and shut down…yet another problem I'm aware of but if it keeps being proven, how do I change my way of thinking?
For example, even though my surgery was mid 8/18, I just came to a nursing home in that beginning of Sept (meds, suicide watch, previous experience w a nursing home was very negative, my severe pain and the level of care are all reasons they gave me for it taking so long)! They didn't get my pain under control until my 16th mo in the hosp! Before then I'd just cling to the bedrail and cry and moan, I gave up on ever having a life! But after, my pain was at a tolerable lvl and I progressed like lightning! I was still depressed (who wldnt be after all that time in a hosp, losing everything w no friends or familial support?) But I'd begun to believe I cld have at least part of my normal life back! I was even proud of myself some days! But when I got here, they cut my pain meds in half AND cut my anxiety med completely! Without even seeing the Dr! I stayed in bed 8days, not eating, screaming bloody murder every time I moved, it was horrific! So they effectively took all my progress (mental and physical) and washed it away w one swipe of a pen (/stroke on a keyboard)! I saw the Dr during that time, he sd I'd "get used to it" and left me! Then, finally on that 8th day I saw a nurse practitioner who agreed to give me half of the meds they took and space it out two more hrs Bc I told her I read the nursing home rules and regulations and they're not supposed to halt your progress, much less cause regression and my plan was to report them to the health dept for noncompliance on the advice of my health ins rep!
So! I've been spinning my wheels, doing things I was doing 6 mos ago at the hospital, struggling to make a bit of progress, when ask of a sudden, they told me last Fri that if I didn't make some huge improvement Monday that they were going to cut me from the rehab program and move me to a long term bed! After only 45 days here, with the improper tools (it'd be ok with me if they DIDN'T give me my meds bk, but manage my damn pain SOMEHOW)! But instead the Dr comes in for 30secs when I've just fallen asleep and tells me I'll "get used to it?!" How can they punish me for me not being able to stand the torture enough to progress with the absolute minimal tools?! It's like telling Monet to create a masterpiece with a box of 8 store brand crayons that've been used, broken and are barely functional! I WISH. I cld drag my leg without such intense pain! I'm 35 fit Christ's sakes, its not like i Want to be crippled forever!
And a THR is a total hip replacement! I understand there are many more ortho surgeons out there but dealing with finding a Dr has been overwhelming as heck to me since my health probs started! I know it's something I'm going to have to do if I ever get out of here though so I'm trying to work up nerve! I only hope that that cycle is finally broken and I find one dr who doesn't treat me like I'm an annoyance to them…
I know I'm too emotional y'all… I can't help it! I used to be better at hiding it but now I'm physically crippled so I might as well show my emotional crippling too!
I DO sincerely appreciate ANY feedback, advice, anything but tough love lol and if you suggest something and I say "I tried that but…" Please don't think I'm discounting your advice, I'm just telling you MY experience in hopes that maybe you can help me work around…my fear/experience…? Make sense?