Good morning, Merry. Please forgive me if your notifications sound wakes you at this hour of the morning…DING. I fell asleep early before this post was finished and woke up at 1 a.m. My insomnia is just crazy, so my day has begun! Here’s what I wrote to you yesterday:
Good evening, Merry. I want you to know that you’re very much appreciated and loved. Your heart for others shines through your thoughtful and sincere words of compassion and love for others who also suffer like you. Being a moderator for this group is an enormous responsibility and very time-consuming and I’d like to personally thank you for all you do. I think you’re awesome!
Because I spend at least three days a week with the homeless and sponsor a few women that I see one-on-one every week, my life is very busy. What they don’t realize is that when I get home, I have to lie down immediately to relieve the physical pain. Of course, my husband is a priority and spending quality time with him is extremely important to me. Above all, my love of God, who loved me first, is my life and the foundation for all I do. I wouldn’t have survived all I have if he hadn’t been with me through it all.
I’m quite involved in my home church and am there at least a couple of times a week. Spending time with them and surrounding myself with other loving people who many themselves are or have been broken is crucial to me. I found that it’s excellent to have others we are accountable to. Sometimes all someone needs is a hug. It’s family. Many of them, including the homeless, attend my church and accept me, with all my faults, just as I am more than my family of origin. We can choose our own family. It fills the need for my parents and some of my siblings rejection of me. My “chosen family” love me with all my weirdness.
I discovered a long time ago that the “hole” in me could not be filled with anything or anyone but God. I tried to fill it with everything the world offers until I realized it was only him. So I quit being a people pleaser. No person can fill all my needs… not even my dear husband or incredibly loving daughter. Some people love me and some people don’t but I don’t need their approval. There is only one whom I care about pleasing.
Thanks for confirming that PTSD can have such negative effects on our physical body. I’ve shared previously that by refusing to deal with the abuse for so many years, I developed over 30 diseases. I can be doing really well handling conflict and issues when all of a sudden something triggers pains from the past… Father’s Day, his birthday, my daughter’s wedding, the birth of my grand-daughter when my ex-husband threatened that my parents “better not show up at the hospital or I’ll be in your dad’s face,” a movie or show where the father and daughter dance together. Thank goodness, the triggers aren’t every day; but when they come up, I deal with my “Demons” again, but I never give up and it’s become easier each time. I won’t let the past and bad choices of others who hurt me destroy my life. That would only hurt me.
I learned that holding in bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It would only kill me. So I forgive them and go on with my life.
May I ask something of you? Please save my post and when you have a bad day, read the second paragraph again. I mean what I said about you.
Once again, thank you for being there for us.