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Aug 23, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

lisalucier, Thanks for the note! It seems I've developed an "attitude" which puts people off, but I'll get over it, the VA is helping me with therapists, and now a psychiatrist I tele-conference with from Stanford U. They want me to recall different things and stuff which make me so defensive/offensive???
One thing occurred in the Army where a Sargent pulled a .45 pistol on me and pointed it at my face and pulled the trigger, I cursed him a lot. "It's not loaded!" Stupid person, all guns are loaded. Latter he was bothering me while I was sleeping, he started throwing darts at me and poking holes in the freshly painted walls above my head, I finally grabbed a dart and flung it at him, not like playing darts but like a weapon. The dart stuck in the wall right inches above his head, they left me alone as they determined I was upset. Could have gone to prison if my aim was better.
Anyway the docs want me to talk about the many "violent" episodes and other things in my life to figure "What is your main malfunction?" I'll get it!
Thanks for asking and maybe I'll come back to this site more often as it's helped a lot. Our divorce is final on the 27th.
Take Care!
Mark

Jul 11, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

lisalucier, Hi again. Things have been keeping me busy and trying to integrate into this new way of living. I haven't forgotten you guys, just things happen. Because I'm so distracted still I've been overlooking simple things like, the instrument panel on my Jeep was telling me to do some maintenance, I missed the cue and blew my engine. Lot's of dumb things I'm doing now while awaiting a new brain. Docs told me I'd have to work with the old one and most will return in due time.
It would be helpful if I had someone to coach me but now I find it a waste of time to attempt to discuss the situation, it goes past people and then they say, "Get over it!" I've only talked with a few people but it's still a waste. This site has been the most helpful in just allowing that things are never going to be the same and all of us here have to rebuild. Nothing new to mankind, just new to each of us.

Thanks for being here lisalucier, you people are great.

May 21, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

@hopeful33250
Funny you should mention "Triggers". I had an abscess tooth the other day and couldn't get to the docs, it was Friday afternoon and didn't want to go to the ER as I'd been there twice already. At the Urgent Care Clinic on Monday morning they put a wrist band on me and then did whatever they do, gave me an antibiotic shot. They placed me in an opened (shrouded) area which faced the Nurse Station, so I was resting, waiting to see if I had any reaction to the shot. I noticed the Nurse Practioners name was the same as my X's as she'd changed her name back to her maiden name on the first day gone. With a swollen face, and In my painful delirium I asked the other Nurse why they put a "Trigger" word on my tag. "What do you mean?" Anyway I gave them some 'very dry humor lip' and I guess I shouldn't have because they were being real nice to me. The Nurse Practioner left the room, don't know if I offended her or not, but I guess they're used to grumps.
Later, after I was feeling better, I called to give them an insurance number they needed and I apologized.

Don't give friendly people any lip. "OK, I get it!"

May 21, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

@hopeful33250,
Hi hopeful, I haven't forgotten you and all here on this forum, just trying to figure things out, and going to AA meetings. It seems impossible to find a professional who has dealt with this Spousal Abandonment thing. Actually the only one so far who has shown any interest is the VA Nutritionist, she didn't have to call me but she did and spoke with me for about 30 minutes on my health, she also asked me what happened but she was baffled as she'd never heard of anyone being abandoned like that. It's weird, guess I just have to deal with it.

May 5, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

@hopeful33250,
Isn't it crazy when I'm the only sane one? Just kidding, (sort fo) but sometimes I get so 'inward' that I can't do anything. When you get this way, or I get this way, I tend to clam up. AA helps a lot but I still can't get this off my mind. What do you do when you tell the therapist, "I understand you don't understand what I'm trying to say but I still need someone to try."? Then I explain a little and they (I hired a civilian chick therapist also, along with the VA therapist) actually told me they've never heard of it, but you can talk here! OK, I'll talk, but I also want some feed back.

I understand all that, but it'd be nice if just one person could say "Ok, been there done that, I understand."

Little Mezi understands but I think her and Joe are getting together again. I hope so! I hope her and Joe are to busy with getting back together. Yes, I know it's a projection but I think it's a good one. My brother Mike was out hiking in the woods above Love Creek and ran into them together. That was fun, good news because I've always liked Mezi, and Joe. They are a cute couple with a beautiful son.

May be some justice in this crazy world after all.
Thanks
Mark

May 4, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

@kathy4385,
"I have asked, but no reply," Did you know the burden is on the person who won't forgive you? It is not on you. The rule is you approach the person, then if they refuse you take another person or two…read Matthew 18:15-20. I had an experience similar to that and was kind of shocked that the preacher took the other persons side. I attempted to apologize but was refused. I didn't do much of anything, it was a situation which was one sided and I was very confused by it all. They really did kick me out after a while, three man trial and all.
In my opinion everyone else is crazy and I'm the only sane one. haha.
Mark

May 4, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

@tbaxter33
The saying "you been reading my mail" is just a metaphor. I get in a little trouble when I use metaphor's when talking to people. It makes me laugh, but I don't laugh at people who don't get it. The other day I used one, "…then my brain exploded all over the county and the Sheriff found part of it in the County Courthouse and returned it to me. That's why I'm able to speak with you tonight." It seemed simple to me but I guess you need background, which I thought I'd delivered earlier, but it went over people's heads. It's just that I went nuts, and later on the Sheriff delivered the divorce papers. Gotta be more careful I guess.

Anyway, I know that your pain won't disappear. How could it? How would you ever appreciate that? My experience with it started when I met my wife some twenty two years ago. Her son had died of suicide just six months earlier. I lived and dealt with her pain for all these years. Got tiring sometimes to tell the truth. Mary would just cry. Sometimes she would curse her kids father who didn't seem to give much of a hoot about the whole thing. Mary laid a lot of blame on him for good reason. He got an epiphany one day and decided to get right with his church, they allowed him back in, he…anyway, long story short, he got my wife away from me. This won't help her pain because he doesn't care for that, I know him, from family parties and such. One day!

People can be so gross. Anyone who'd tell you it was God's will that your son died is a nut. That's me being kind. If I'd ever had said that to Mary she'd have smacked me, and she's not violent.

Mary would have periods of peace but the whole ordeal is a really big thing and not a "Oh, get over it!" kind of thing. I hate that statement. I want to call them stupid, but they just don't know. I'm here looking for clues how to survive as I think you're doing also. You haven't mentioned much about your wife. How does she deal with it? Maybe I missed a post.

May 4, 2018 · Loss and Grief: How are you doing? in Loss & Grief

@johnbishop,
My type of phone is no phone at all, but I do keep a land line phone in the house. If people need to contact me they'll get here. So far no one needs to contact me…except, "We are from the collect any spare money you may have in your bank account." Needless to say I seldom answer the phone directly. I check the ID first and let it ring out if I don't recognized it.

Good idea though.
It's still weird for me to be talking to sentient beings and they have their nose glued to their iPhone and seem really put out that they have to look up. Sometimes I give up.

Mark