It is possible to have a group chat. Some programs are free, some charge. But it works really well… if it's something several people really would value and will benefit from we should look into it.
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Your post brings tears to my eyes because those could be my words you wrote. I try to turn my inner judgements into compassion for the horror, terror and pain I lived with that seemed to be of my own doing or my own body. But the hatred of my often incapacitating fear is often too much. Compassion doesn't have a chance in the cataclism of torment that engulfs me. I love your little suffering child, feel such compassion for her. Wish it was easier to have it for myself!
To add to suggestions of peter Levine and Bessel van der kolk (spelling may be off) in response to teresa's question for me to share working with body movements over talking and conscious mind work…I have found instinctively a need for a specific touch to help when in a ptsd attack as well as an overall need and longing aching for tenderness. I knew that another's gentle full-palm hand placed above my heart area, just below collar bonesb in middle, was what I needed. It always helped, especially when I was regressed or terrified. It helped a bit to do it to myself if no one else there. I discovered years later that one of the world's top torture recovery experts who used Tapping methods, told me that spot is a tapping spot they use in treating POWs. Not heart or throat chakra, in between. I also found massage to be healing, and asked for tenderness, to touch my skin with reverence as I felt defiled and lived with agonizing shame daily. I still struggle with severe self loathing shame and suicidal feelings when I am (frequently) triggered. Have improved greatly over lifetime of search for answers, tenderness/connection….. and a place to belong.
Look into books by Judith Herman healing trauma….a breakthrough book years ago, and Bessel van Der Kolk's ibooks, also Peter Levine, "waking the tiger," and check YouTube videos on both these two men, top experts in field. Get a true specialist in cptsd aka developmental trauma disorder, if stemming from childhood.
I would appreciate sharing my work with the body, my instinctive search for a physical approach and failures/successes that I encountered. I will try to have a reply on this by tomorrow..but .time is a constraint. I have put my prime goal in life to find answers and heal myself since I was 9 yrs. when I started reading psychology books.and read of learned helplessness. .it has been a challenge to find bodyworkers of the right sort or therapists who work with trauma thru bodywork..
I rarely have a moment to post anything but your post moved me deeply, I have gotten "help" but at age 66 still so troubled daily by these issues of complex ptsd from earlier than 5 even, that have hijacked my life but I have made the most of it ultimately.. I encourage you to find help from true experts in the field, not someone that took a workshop or seminar on trauma and got certified to treat it. it can make you a better person, wiser, stronger, deeper, more compassionate, than most of those around you….blessings upon you….hold your head high. work with your body not just your thoughts and feelings.
did you read the Vonnegut one about the young man with psoriasis? was it rabbit, run? read it when I was 10 and it meant a lot to me. books were my salvation in that I found others who suffered….eli weisel’s autobiographical novel “night”was profoundly moving, read it at age 12 and finally found someone I could identify with in the protagonist. I felt like a holocaust survivor, didn’t tell anyone for 20 yrs or so that I deeply felt that way, because it seemed insulting to jews since I was not a jew. my therapist was jewish and said I was a survivor of torture (and Stockholm syndrome) without validation from any source so was as if all my fault or imagination. at 65, I am much healthier but still have attacks (had one yesterday) when something triggers me with anger or cruelty. less suicidal for sure. I don’t think there is much most therapists could do, but I know what I need when I can find it. when I see kindness, thoughtfulness, tenderness especially, and honoring other human beings, it helps me. when I receive that treatment it helps me even more. when I feel a sense of belonging, value, respect and acceptance, it helps me a lot…I get better. when I am with others whom I can trust to not betray me or EVER be cruel or mean, it helps me heal and grow. these things help me more than most therapy. I hope that those qualities of interpersonal contact are available to you, since social mistrust is common among us and is something often very isolating. it sure was for me, which makes it hard to have relationships or be around people at all…