My heart aches for you. I have a close friend who felt just as you do. She found a therapist (at long last) that she trusted and was able to realize that she needed long term medication and she is so much better. I have been on several meds over the last 25 years and I understand that I am not addicted but that I need them just as I need my blood pressure meds. Given the choice, I would rather not have to take all these meds but I have come to understand that I need them to live and to function. I pray that you can find a therapist AND a doctor–tell them right off that you feel guilty about talking about yourself and I hope that they will help you with that issue. I hope that you can come to the same good place that my friend and I have found. We know that life isn't easy ever but it is doable and there can be moments of joy.