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Jan 4, 2018 · A New Year Message for Caregivers in Caregivers

Thanks, I needed to hear those words! Even though my dear husband tells me nearly everyday that he loves me, it’s hard to handle the times when he isn’t acting so loving as when the confusion sets in and he accuses me of not keeping him informed about what’s happening or what we’re doing this day – whatever day this is! Or when he doesn’t want to shower or change into clean clothes. Or when he wants to go out – just to go out – when I have so much routine work/chores to do just to keep the place running. Or when he lets our Sweetie dog outside and forgets he did. Or when he gives her round after round of treats forgetting she already had them. She begs. He gives. Or when I am trying to just be with him, to sit and hold his hand which seems to make his world okay. I guess my world is okay then, too. 🙂

Aug 21, 2017 · Ambiguous Loss in Loss & Grief

This is my first post. I just discovered this supportive site a few days ago and have been reading the shared experiences here. The compassionate support spoken here, non-judgmental, kind, makes it easier to say what we feel. Mnitchke, i understand what you are feeling. Your love for your wife shows in your words. But while her body is still on this earth, she has gone. It has been said that we are our memory. I believe that is true. As I live with my dear, once clever and wise husband and watch him struggle to say what he’s thinking, to ask a question that slips away if not answered immediately, to ask why we traveled to a place he wanted to go, to tell me again that I didn’t tell him we were doing something or that someone is coming to visit, to call his daughter or granddaughters “that girl” or “those girls” – unable to remember their names, I feel the fear of what happens next. I can no longer share a story or watch a movie with him. His attention span is short. He, who once loved to watch sports – football and baseball mainly, will sit for hours watching the tv but can’t tell you what is going on or who is winning. On the physical side, he is having bathroom issues, can’t remember that he’s eaten, heats coffee in microwave but doesn’t drink it several times a day and during the night, sits so much of the time his legs are getting weak so he has trouble getting up from the chair. And on and on. I miss him. I miss the man who could tell jokes, who has always been so caring, who enjoyed being with friends and family, who I could tell what I was thinking and ask for his opinion. Long before this became so severe, he told me he didn’t want to live without his mind. He fantasized about a “little pill” he would take to end it all if he ever “lost” his mind. At that time, I told him jokingly that he’d have to find the pill on his own or I’d be in trouble. So I understand what you are writing about the life you envision before you and the life you had hoped to live. You have made sure she is well cared for and safe. She doesn’t know whether you are there or not. You are the one feeling guilty for wanting to do things that make life good for you. It may help if you ask yourself what she would want you to do. You know she loved you once. And if she had her mind, she still would.