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Apr 14, 2018 · my anxiety in Depression & Anxiety

This is my Wookie. That's his very first baby name. I hope it shows up because he has helped me so much. He deserves to have a picture here. Dany

Apr 14, 2018 · my anxiety in Depression & Anxiety

Hi all, boy it seems we are all special for the wrong reasons. My thing is worrying. About everything. We live not too far from a volcano, Mt. Rainer. You may remember Mt. St. Helen? I also worry about my kids, the planet, my dog, just everything. I worry about the people I read about that includes everyone on Mayo connect. I recently found out that the man I was married to for 30 years died 3 months ago and no one called me. Anxious is my middle name. I finally called the Behavior Mental Health department of my clinic to relay how I was feeling yesterday, you know, heart palpitations, heaviness in the chest, like an elephant was sitting on it. This has happened 2-3 times in the last week and it's pretty alarming when it happens. But, being Friday no one has called back. What really pisses me off is that I've been suffering anxiety attacks for months, if not longer, and my stupid Dr. will not prescribe anything for me for anxiety. I felt like I was going to die. The feeling of imminent death has receded, but I still have a foreboding sense of death hanging over me. Not something I can explain to my kids. I have really been reaching out to my doctors with this, to no avail. Now, I'm reaching out to therapist. Have to wait and see what happens. The first therapist I saw said I have psychomotor retardation, which I guess means it would take a bolt of lightening to make me do anything, which is exactly how I feel. This has all been slowly progressing since my divorce. I loved my husband, but our situation was hopeless. However, I'm a Christian, so I wait on the Lord, believing that all good things will come to pass. But, it would be great to have a way to deescalate things when they get really bad. I have my kids for which I'm truly grateful, and I have Harley, my little Shi Tzu, to cuddle with when he allows it. Sometimes, I beg for his attention, to no avail, then other times he is all over me, stubborn and fickle little boy. I love him to death. We all are a mess to one degree or another. There is no one answer for us all. We need to persevere in the face of this black cloud that has us in it's grip. When all is said and done, I guess after all these years of feeling this way, that's what I've been doing, biding my time, waiting on the Lord. But, for all of us it needs to come to an end, because, for me it is a huge detriment to my health. I am in a physical decline far too soon for my age. I'm only 66, but I feel like I might be 90. I've lost so much muscle tone, and I'm losing other things. But, I will continue to wait, and do my part to the best of my ability. Whatever will be, will be. I pray for everyone on here that you will find your solutions, and outlets for inner peace and health. Stay strong, and keep fighting. We're worth it. Dany

Apr 13, 2018 · Feel like I'm gonna die soon in Just Want to Talk

Well, I don't see my last post. It's an important one. My ex husband died 3 months ago and no one told me. I am devastated. I still loved him. Now he is gone, and I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I'm crying a lot, very upset. Step daughter gave away all his furniture, but I will get back the old fashioned record player I gave to him. I do not yet accept that he is gone. He is sitting in an urn in his daughter's house. How do I psychologically realize that he is gone? Should I ask for a tour of the place he used to live? Any suggestions? Dany

Apr 12, 2018 · Feel like I'm gonna die soon in Just Want to Talk

Hi all, all your suggestions sound great and I appreciate the sentiment behind them. The veil has lifted a little, but the feeling that I will die before my time is still there. Maybe not now but too soon. Two days after my near meltdown, on Sunday morning, on a whim I decided to Google my ex's name. I have been doing that every so often, or looking on Google maps to see if I could see his car. Anyway, I found his name under Public information, the obits. I felt like someone had hit me in the head with a hammer. I immediately called his old number but it was busy. Then, after not having called her in years, I called my stepdaughter. As soon as she heard my voice she started to cry, and said.she had some bad news. I said, I know. He is gone, no longer in the world. I will never see him smile, or hear his voice again. After all that was said and done, he was still my rock, my Charley. I am bereft, and drifting, all over again. Having serious heart palpitations as I write. He died on December 14, and no one called me. Stepdaughter said she didn't have my phone number. I call bull++++ on that. At the very least, it was programmed into his phone. 3 months ago. She said he asked her not to call me because he didn't want to hurt me. Well, it did, 3 months later as opposed to right away
At least, I know he was thinking about me. They are selling his house and contents, everything. I asked if he had left anything personal behind for me, but, he didn't. I called yesterday am to see if they still had my hutch that he had bought me, had to leave a message, no response yet. I doubt I will get one. He's sitting in an urn somewhere over in her house. He went in for surgery for a pinched disk in his neck, he couldn't use his legs very well. He had a massive heart attack in the hospital. Same place I have my drs. appointments. I was always hoping to run into him there, now I never will. I feel pretty much dead inside, but I still want to get better. I have been married since I was 20 years old, with short breaks between. I don't know who i am anymore. But, this has hit me HARD. I need to change doctors. I tried to once before but it didn't work out because I would have needed to go to Seattle to see some specialists, and I can't go to Seattle bc I have transportation problems. I'm having so much anxiety and none of my doctors are offering anything. What's up with that? Chest feels like there's an elephant on it. Prayers are welcome. Thanks for being here. Dany

Apr 8, 2018 · Feel like I'm gonna die soon in Just Want to Talk

Teresa, I still can't read and reply.  I keep getting an error message.   
  I hope I'm able to reply this time.  I've been eating 2 meals a day for quite some time.  About 2-3 wks ago I had a case of diarrhea that lasted about a week and half, so I thankfully lost 7#.  I haven't weighed myself again yet bc I figured it would just come back on.  Ma belly is still as rotund as eva.  haha. Maybe my IBS-C is doing a 360 to IBS-D?  Who knows?  I hate, hate feeling this way.  Especially, with no diagnosis.  Our diet here is not the best.  We are all diabetic, and all take antidepressants, and Nexium or something like it.  It's not a drug we should be using long term. And nop one feels like cooking, or is able to cook.  It's hard to ask my son to come home from work and then cook dinner.  My daughter  also has hypothyroidism.  She has chronic back pain from a slip and fall when she was 18.  4 back surgeries have left her in chronic pain, and terribly depressed.  My son works 40 hrs a week and pretty much comes home, eats, tends to us a little, and goes to bed.  This is not how I thought things would be!   When you have your children you think, and pray,  things will be wonderful for them.  I worry constantly about everything, my kids, my dog, the planet, and, the Orange Circus Peanut we have for a president, and whether or not he is going to start WWIII.  Sorry if I've stepped on any toes.  I have heart palpitations, but heart is fine bc I wore an event recorder for 2 weeks.  Nothing remarkable there, but my stupid Dr. will still not offer me anything for anxiety.  I am so furious with her and so sad with my situation.  I practically beg her for help and I get nothing.  She said she is afraid I will forget how many pills I have taken and take too many, and she doesn't want to be responsible for me killing myself.  But, it doesn't seem to bother her that I have other drugs I could take to kill myself, Gabapentin, Plavix, 2 different blood pressure meds, hell, I could make a veritable cocktail and check out that way.  But, that's not me.  I want to live.  I want to live to see my kids find happiness.  So far, they've both been pretty miserable, and it's all my fault, so somehow, I have to help them, or at least stick around long enough to see them "help themselves".  I just don't want to be miserable the rest of my life.  So far I'm just not getting any help.  Sorry to be so long winded.  It's a long time til my next therapy appointment.  Thanks guys, Dany

Apr 7, 2018 · Feel like I'm gonna die soon in Just Want to Talk

Colleen, I'm having a major issue on the website trying to reply.  I'm getting the error message, "We're sorry, but we experienced an issue creating this comment. Please try again."
Here is my reply.
Hi all, with gastroparesis, the nausea seems to always be there.  But, I've been having a lot of pain from my hips down, and in back of my calves, and top of thighs.  My feet feel like football's, my hands are catchers mitts, feel swollen, skin is sore, plus joints, but they don't look swollen, or too red.  Still have the all over itch.  Can't take Norco very often bc it just makes itch worse, but pain, got to take the Norco or can't stand it.  I have an appointment with my pcp on Monday, and will make appointment with neurologist also on Monday.  I have discovered that the 3 conditions I have can all cause itching.  Diabetes, fibro, hypothyroidism. I've  tried antihistamines, creams, and lotions.  None work.  I may be just having a fibro flare, but it is awful.  Hurt all over.  I know there are people out there with much worse problems than mine and my heart goes out to them.  How do people handle great pain?  My mind boggles.  Also, brother in the hospital with emphysema and pneumonia.  They're trying to wean him off of the ventilator but is difficult.  I still read many of your posts, all of you, so you are not too far away from me.  But I still so lonely.  Dany
Can you let everyone know how much I appreciate their kind words, and yours?  Thank you, Dany

Apr 7, 2018 · Feel like I'm gonna die soon in Just Want to Talk

Thank you Gary.  I'm having trouble replying through the website. I'm getting an error message.  Prayers are good.
Dany

Apr 8, 2018 · Feel like I'm gonna die soon in Just Want to Talk

It worked this time….thanks Dany