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danybegood1
@danybegood1

Posts: 133
Joined: Feb 22, 2017

Wouldn't say my name

Posted by @danybegood1, Feb 26, 2017

Hi all, i was with my 2nd husband for 30 years. I loved him very much, still do. But he had his quirks. One of many really bugged me and to this day i still dont understand why he did it. I would like to ask you guys for your insight on it. I met him in the early 80’s and from day 1 he wouldn’t say my name unless i asked him to. He had been abused physically by his father. He and his mom were beaten frequently, and he never saw his dad on the weekend because he was out acting like he was single. I felt that if he didnt say my name he could be talking to Gladys down the street when he was telling me he loved me. Was it as simple as a fear of intimacy? What do you think?

REPLY

@danybegood1 Hi, I’m just joining this conversation. I don’t know what kind of city you live in, but I know Catholic Charities offers therapy on a scale determined by what you make a month, and sometimes it is free. I am not Catholic and have used this service several times. In fact, one of my therapists was Jewish! Also, have you apologized to your daughter for whatever it is you have done to her – truly apologized and acknowledged her pain? Have you then ASKED for forgiveness? This is an important step. I feel it is important to also acknowledge to yourself your pain and to FORGIVE YOURSELF. This, too, is an important step for good mental health. We can not change the past. We can only confess, repent, apologize, ask for forgiveness and move forward – even if you are not forgiven you can and should move forward. When you have taken the steps, it is now on the person who was wronged to do what they will with your confession and apology. I am an incest survivor and my father never really apologized. He wrote me and my three sisters the exact same “apology” letter that was a general apology without admitting any wrong doing or stating what he had done, even generally. He never asked for forgiveness. THAT was not an apology. For my own mental health, I have forgiven him to the extent that I do not just loathe him and stew on my pain. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him as he has no one in his old age. I will not, however, have any contact with him. I believe therapy is important. I also believe faith is important. Just my personal experience. And if you have bad reactions or negative side effects to medication, you need to tell you doctor right away. There are many antidepressants out there that you can try. Sometimes it is just a matter of adjusting the dosage. I have been on antidepressants for over 20 years. Some stopped working and I had to be put on something else. Others had bad side effects and I had to be put on something else. But for years at a time, a certain antidepressant would work for me. The one I’ve been on now (cmybalta) I have been on for 8 years now and it works well for me. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. It sounds like you’ve gotten lots of good advice on this forum. It is good to know you do not struggle alone.

Liked by deev

@blindeyepug

@danybegood1 Hi, I’m just joining this conversation. I don’t know what kind of city you live in, but I know Catholic Charities offers therapy on a scale determined by what you make a month, and sometimes it is free. I am not Catholic and have used this service several times. In fact, one of my therapists was Jewish! Also, have you apologized to your daughter for whatever it is you have done to her – truly apologized and acknowledged her pain? Have you then ASKED for forgiveness? This is an important step. I feel it is important to also acknowledge to yourself your pain and to FORGIVE YOURSELF. This, too, is an important step for good mental health. We can not change the past. We can only confess, repent, apologize, ask for forgiveness and move forward – even if you are not forgiven you can and should move forward. When you have taken the steps, it is now on the person who was wronged to do what they will with your confession and apology. I am an incest survivor and my father never really apologized. He wrote me and my three sisters the exact same “apology” letter that was a general apology without admitting any wrong doing or stating what he had done, even generally. He never asked for forgiveness. THAT was not an apology. For my own mental health, I have forgiven him to the extent that I do not just loathe him and stew on my pain. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him as he has no one in his old age. I will not, however, have any contact with him. I believe therapy is important. I also believe faith is important. Just my personal experience. And if you have bad reactions or negative side effects to medication, you need to tell you doctor right away. There are many antidepressants out there that you can try. Sometimes it is just a matter of adjusting the dosage. I have been on antidepressants for over 20 years. Some stopped working and I had to be put on something else. Others had bad side effects and I had to be put on something else. But for years at a time, a certain antidepressant would work for me. The one I’ve been on now (cmybalta) I have been on for 8 years now and it works well for me. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. It sounds like you’ve gotten lots of good advice on this forum. It is good to know you do not struggle alone.

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@blindeyepug, its been a while. How are you doing? Yes, i have apologized and asked forgiveness. She loves me still. For that iam fortunate. I too am an incest survivor. I used to have nightmares about stabbing my dad. Or im trying to get away from him. One of my brothers does. not believe me. The way i know this is i have had no contact from him in years. He has ompletely cut me off. I guess i spoiled the memories he had of his dad.

@danybegood1 I think it is absolutely outrageous when someone refuses to believe an incest survivor or any survivor of sexual or physical abuse. It is like Holocaust deniers. They just don’t want to mess up their weird interpretation of the world as never being THAT horrible. Well, it can be that horrible. I am so very sorry your brother has been so cruel to you. I am very glad your daughter has forgiven you for what happened in that relationship. Question is, have you forgiven yourself? I know it is a struggle when your childhood has been ripped from you and you suffer from PTSD from abuse, but we can survive and not let it define who we are now. I keep you in my prayers! Hope things are better for you.

Liked by jerrishultz

@blindeyepug, iam so happy to hear from you. How are you doing? I remember your suffering much more than i ever did, though i dont remember quite what your past is.
I know she loves me very much but i dont know if she has forgiven me. I know she wont forget. And my kids received some very bad news on Saturday. They found out their Dad died recently of bone cancer, and they didn’t even know he was sick. It was a terrible shock to both of them. My Jaime is devastated. She has loved and needed her dad her whole life and he was never there for her. I will write more later. I hope you are doing well. Judy

I am so sorry your children received such bad news. How hurt they must be that they didn’t even know he was sick. They are in my prayers as are you. I pray also that your children can find peace with the apparent lack of parenting by their father. I hope they can get some counseling. It is never too late to improve one’s life. Hope you are doing better. Laura

@blindeyepug

I am so sorry your children received such bad news. How hurt they must be that they didn’t even know he was sick. They are in my prayers as are you. I pray also that your children can find peace with the apparent lack of parenting by their father. I hope they can get some counseling. It is never too late to improve one’s life. Hope you are doing better. Laura

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@blindeyepug, hi Laura.  What a pretty name.  Thank  you.  I miss talking to you.  Did you hear, i think im feeling better.  🎵🎵🎵🎵🎵🎵. Judy

@blindeyepug

I am so sorry your children received such bad news. How hurt they must be that they didn’t even know he was sick. They are in my prayers as are you. I pray also that your children can find peace with the apparent lack of parenting by their father. I hope they can get some counseling. It is never too late to improve one’s life. Hope you are doing better. Laura

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@blindeyepug, i knew i would jinx myself. GERD is bad tonight. Threw up last night. . Now if any pain goes to my jaw or arms, im outta here. Or at least cLling an ambulance. Why did i even say anything? Im taking my meds. But i did have somefried chick lastnight and tonight. Not on my diet. I know, you always hurt the one you love right? How you doing Laura? My best friend jn high school’s name was Lora. We lost touch and she passed jn 2008. I didnt realize how much she meant to me until i couldn’t talk to her. If i didnt before thank you for your kind words. Love, Judy

@danybgood1 Hi. So sorry you are feeling bad again. Hope you didn’t have to call that ambulance! I, too, have had a back slide. It is SO frustrating! I have had low grade fever (99.8 to 101.2) since February together with even MORE exhaustion. Many blood tests and scans later, they don’t know what is wrong. I am waiting for some blood cultures to come back, but if they are clear, I don’t know what is next. I had been doing okay and accepting my limitations and getting along how I could, but now I feel anxious and frustrated again! I certainly hope you rally and your health is better soon! You are in my prayers. I’ll keep you updated on my progress and appreciate you keeping me updated on yours!

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