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danybegood1
@danybegood1

Posts: 133
Joined: Feb 22, 2017

Wouldn't say my name

Posted by @danybegood1, Feb 26, 2017

Hi all, i was with my 2nd husband for 30 years. I loved him very much, still do. But he had his quirks. One of many really bugged me and to this day i still dont understand why he did it. I would like to ask you guys for your insight on it. I met him in the early 80’s and from day 1 he wouldn’t say my name unless i asked him to. He had been abused physically by his father. He and his mom were beaten frequently, and he never saw his dad on the weekend because he was out acting like he was single. I felt that if he didnt say my name he could be talking to Gladys down the street when he was telling me he loved me. Was it as simple as a fear of intimacy? What do you think?

REPLY

I wonder if @tabi @heatherf316 @blindeyepug or @amberpep might have some thoughts on this?

Well my husband rarely calls me by my name now. I would suppose that if you had mentioned it to him perhaps he would have tried to say your name more often. I always call my husbands name and sometimes feel bad because he calls me honey or hun or sweetie. I think, should I try to use more endearing terms towards him? So I try but then no one knows who I’m talking to!
I do think that it has a lot to do with communication, honesty, and being open to hear his reason why. It is possible that you yourself had thoughts beyond your name and possibly you had issue with personal self esteem or confidence or even trust with him. I hope this gives one opinion that may help but I hope you look at it as something he felt he didnt need to say because he thought you just knew he was only saying it to you.

No, i asked him about it several times. I know that his dad beat him prett regularly. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I miss him so much. Sometimes i feel like i want to just stop taking my heart medicine and let happen what will.

Thanks for your input, @heatherf316

@danybegood1

No, i asked him about it several times. I know that his dad beat him prett regularly. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I miss him so much. Sometimes i feel like i want to just stop taking my heart medicine and let happen what will.

Thanks for your input, @heatherf316

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@danybegood1, I’d like you to think about all the reasons you take your heart medicine. I can name a few.. a son, a daughter and of course the 4-legged guys Harley and Buffy. And most of all for YOU.

But, I also understand needing to have a place where you can say stuff like wanting to stop you medications and “let happen what will”. Connect is a safe place where you can talk about the tough stuff. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If at any point you start to feel like you may consider hurting yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for immediate help. Sometimes you might need to talk to someone more than reading words on a screen. Your safety is the most important thing to us and needing to talk to a professional doesn’t show weakness, it shows strength!

Liked by Gray

I once dated a guy who was dating lots of women. He called us all Buffy. That prevented him from calling any of us by the wrong name. I’m not suggesting your husband was seeing anyone else, just that he might have been afraid he might call you by his mom’s name, or a famous lady he might have admired..

I thought of that too. Hmmmmmm

Well, the doc finally changed my medicine from Effexor to Prozac. wheeeee.I think.now i just feel angry. Does Prozac make anyone else angry? And im so lonely. Sometimes i want to cry and i cant get any tears out. They just wont come. I never go anywhere except to the doctor once a month. I dont have a bed to sleep on, i sleep in the living room. Everything i consider mine are in boxes in the dining room or in storage. The landlord has raised our rent by 300.00 in the last 2 years. Now every single dime of my SS check goes to paying rent an d i have nothing left over. I had to buy my own birthday present. Wow, what an occasion that was. I dont mean to sound ungrateful. I am with my kids, sort of. Im in the living room, and my kids spend all their time in their rooms. So we’re not really together. Just had to get this off my chest.

@danybegood1 I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. Keep in touch, we will keep listening! Teresa

Hi dany …. your situation sounds very depressing ….. isn’t there any way you can get into a cheaper cost apt. of your own? I am waiting to move to a low-income apartment complex about 20 miles from here which will save me over $300 a month. Check around and see what you can find. Sleeping on a sofa doesn’t sound like great fun long term.
I went to my hometown, Frederick, for the passed several days, saw my therapist and my psychiatrist. I hate living here – south farther – and I think now the meds. are doing as much as they can ….. my depression is situational. If things don’t change for me, mentally and emotionally, when I do move to the low-income apts. I AM going back to Frederick. My kids all know that. At 72, I need to be happy too, and if it’s not going to be here, then I’ll have to leave. I don’t want to hurt my girls (they both live down this way), but I have to think of myself too ….. that’s rare in itself.
Check out the low-income apts. in your area ….. really, you might be surprised at what you’ll find ….. I know I was!
abby

@hopeful33250 thanks Teresa, in a dark place right now. Lonliness killing me.

@amberpep, thanks for writing. I need to get in therapy and cant afford it. I wasnt ready to let go of my husband. But he just wouldn’t help our situation. I dont mind living with my kids, just not here in this tiny space surrounded by boxes. I want out of here and i dont know how we’re going to do it. Judy

@danybegood1

@amberpep, thanks for writing. I need to get in therapy and cant afford it. I wasnt ready to let go of my husband. But he just wouldn’t help our situation. I dont mind living with my kids, just not here in this tiny space surrounded by boxes. I want out of here and i dont know how we’re going to do it. Judy

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. Sounds like you and I have a lot in common. Yes, do get into therapy. The Mental Health Assoc. can guide you to a therapist who would be free. And do look into low-cost places to live. Believe me, there are a lot out there. Probably if I did not have a therapist and psychiatrist (for the Rx’s) I would not be here today. My therapist has walked me through many dark situations which could have ended very badly. I, too, am divorced …. it’s been 12 years now and I can honestly say I am so very happy without him. He has a Personality Disorder (Narcissistic), so he felt he was always right and I was either stupid, nuts, or irrational. He refused to even look at his part in our problems and we had been married for 40 years, and have 3 kids – now all adults. I can hardly believe I lived like that, feeling diminished, stupid, ugly, illogical. But, it does not sound like your kids are treating you exactly respectfully, if they stay in their rooms while you’re alone downstairs, and sleeping on a sofa. There truly ARE answers for you ….. you just have to get out there and find them ….. Mental Health Assoc., and they may even be able to direct you to some low income places to live. Take care.
abby

@danybegood1

@hopeful33250 thanks Teresa, in a dark place right now. Lonliness killing me.

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@danybegood I’m glad that you are communicating your pain with us. If you could find one other person to talk with by phone that would also be a good first step. While isolating seems easy to do right now, you need some kind people in your corner. I’m pulling for you! Teresa

@amberpep

Hi dany …. your situation sounds very depressing ….. isn’t there any way you can get into a cheaper cost apt. of your own? I am waiting to move to a low-income apartment complex about 20 miles from here which will save me over $300 a month. Check around and see what you can find. Sleeping on a sofa doesn’t sound like great fun long term.
I went to my hometown, Frederick, for the passed several days, saw my therapist and my psychiatrist. I hate living here – south farther – and I think now the meds. are doing as much as they can ….. my depression is situational. If things don’t change for me, mentally and emotionally, when I do move to the low-income apts. I AM going back to Frederick. My kids all know that. At 72, I need to be happy too, and if it’s not going to be here, then I’ll have to leave. I don’t want to hurt my girls (they both live down this way), but I have to think of myself too ….. that’s rare in itself.
Check out the low-income apts. in your area ….. really, you might be surprised at what you’ll find ….. I know I was!
abby

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@amberpep Thanks, Abby. You have offered a lot of encouraging words, along with your personal experiences and some practical advice. Teresa

@amberpep, thank God for you guys. Iam considering calling my mental health assoc. or my Access bus. Its for disabled people. Ive never ridden a public bus in my life. When i was in high school i rode with the boys basketball team to one of the games. My boyfriend was on the bus too. Had a lot of fun but in hindsight probably not a good idea. My daughter is tired of listening to me talk. I can tell by the sighs. Shes not exactly well herself. I sound like a hypochondriac. I hurt her terribly and this is my punishment. To wonder if she will forgive me before i die. Judy

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