Woke up this morning scared

@madlydancing, this is a lot, and I absolutely hear you. I am glad you came here this morning and put some of it down. Sometimes we just need somewhere safe to say, “I’m scared, I’m angry, and this is really hard,” and have someone sit there with us for a minute.

What is the one thing you need most for yourself right now?

@jlharsh I need mental strength. I always consider myself a strong woman. Now I pray each day to hold it together.

@madlydancing, there was strength in what you did this morning, too. You came here and honestly said, “I’m scared, I’m angry, and this is really hard.” Sometimes strength isn’t holding everything together. Sometimes it is recognizing when what we’re carrying is too much to carry alone.

You mentioned praying each day for strength. I hope you will keep coming here and letting me, and others who join this discussion, sit with you in this, too.

For others who have loved and cared for someone through serious illness, what helped you find the strength to keep going when it all felt like too much?

@madlydancing , you are dealing with a lot. I have heard not to worry about strength, just courage and you sure have that. Your feelings are quite understandable. I have similar feelings towards a family member who is now immobile due to a medical condition she could have easily treated, but refused. I printed out articles about what happens if you don’t treat that condition, but she just refused. Her doctors warned her too, but she ignored them. I try not to resent it but I suppose I do. I pray that I can let it go and just have compassion.

Does your husband have a prognosis if he doesn’t have the treatments vs. having the treatment? Either way I’d get as much help to come in and help you as possible. Caregiving someone who is very ill is all consuming. It will wear you down.

@madlydancing I can relate. My husband ignored significant weight with eventual inability to swallow even liquids. Put his head in the sand, despite my urging him to see a doctor. 6 months later, he finally saw a gastroenterologist and was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. He was 55 at the time. Given months to maybe a year. He has had one recurrence but is still with us, doing well.

I feel your frustration. I know my husband was fearful of what they might find. After the shock wore off, I'm ashamed to admit that in my head, I was screaming "why did you let this go on for so long?" I never said it outloud but I was very angry, at the situation, the diagnosis and treatment, but mostly I was angry with him. Even as he is back in remission right now, the likelihood of this making a third appearance is high. I try to not to think about that but it's always there with every scan, bloodwork, endoscopy, etc...you get it because you're living it right now.

I wish you both well. I'll keep you in my thoughts. There's a lot cancer takes away but staying together for 46 years means you have handled hard seasons throughout your life by being a team. Hold on to that tightly ❤️
Lynn

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. He wouldn’t take care of himself either. Because he didn’t, I almost lost him twice. Not from the cancer, but from pneumonia and liver damage. I cried all the time. Couldn’t eat or sleep. He didn’t realize the stress he was putting on me and my kids. When I tried to help him, we fought. My kids told me we have to let him make his own decisions. I couldn’t watch him basically kill himself. I know he was scared but he wouldn’t talk about it. I finally started getting counseling and more importantly, I put it in Gods hands. He had stem cell transplant, but still refusing to wear a mask and wants to do things he’s not allowed to for a while. This whole situation stinks, but I found people I can talk to and who truly wants to help me. I hope you can find someone to help you. I’m not sure if you are religious, but I do believe that God does have a plan for all of us. And no matter what we do or don’t do, He will have the final say. Please take care of yourself. I hated people telling me that because I didn’t know how to care for myself, but I learned you can’t help him if you’re not healthy. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

Seems male baby boomers think alike. My husband was showing signs of cancer 2 years prior to him turning yellow. I had to go to his place of employment & insist he go to an ER. ( Even coworkers were telling him he was yellow) This Will be 2 years this October. Always wonder if he was checked when he first started losing weight it might have not been the battle it has been to date. He's consistent with Chemo...Whipple surgery April . I guess we have to respect each of others wishes when it comes to this fork in the road. I agree it's so hard to watch. Big strong men becoming a fraction of what they were. Im sure equally as hard for them to endure. I also must take sleep aids. Day by day. Hope you have some form of support. Take care.

@jlharsh for me it's doing all I can to keep him another day. Truly my besty.

Hi,

I guess it won’t help if you keep forcing those options down his throat. Maybe break it to him gently that this battle is not just his but one the entire family has to fight together. His choices won’t merely affect him alone. Everyone has to leave this world one day. Me too. My greatest wish is to do it in a dignified manner. Death can be a taboo to talk about. I’ll do it to my dad who’s resisting physiotherapy for his condition which will have serious repercussions. It’s hard to explain. I had my close encounters with death before him. Thus in my family, I guess it’s best for me to gently remind him that.

And you also need to realize he’s not senile and certainly will feel fear much more than you are currently feeling. He certainly has his reasons.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Cheers,
Louis

@jlharsh your comment "Sometimes strength isn’t holding everything together. Sometimes it is recognizing when what we’re carrying is too much to carry alone." Made me cry. You're spot on. I realized yesterday that I am in fight or flight mode and I will ask my therapist today how to get out of this feeling. If any one else in this forum as any suggestions, I am open to hearing how you cope.