When do you know it may be time for memory care facility?

Posted by a4alicat @a4alicat, Feb 24 5:56am

I am an adult child caregiver. My mother has Alzheimer’s and is starting the moderate phase. She still dresses herself and has long time friends that understand. My dad has been the full time carer with our intermittent support. He fell on ice and is in a nursing home recovering. His fall was in part due to calming mom’s agitation over having to wait at dr office and chasing after her. There are 3 daughters. Mom has a fear of being alone and needs constant stimulation/interaction so she requires 24/7 care. We have traded off spending the night and driving her and tending to dad at nursing home. She fires any caregiver we have hired within several hours. She has intense sundowner episodes nightly and often confused daily as we have to pass her off to still keep our jobs and families. We are exhausted but are feeling guilty we need to put her in memory care. Does it ever feel better?

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centre | @centre | Feb 25 7:50am

I think you know it’s time to protect your dad. Memory care, moving mom in with one of you, rotating mom through each adult child’s home every three months, 24 hour paid caregivers, whatever you all can come up with.
Keep in mind the statistics of how many elderly spousal caregivers die before the person receiving the care does.
This would be a very good time to expedite an admission where your dad isn’t there in person to feel guilty or to have magical “I can do it” thinking.

gregd1956 | @gregd1956 | Feb 25 1:18pm

It’s not only Alzheimer’s for lose of memory or there might be some lose of memory; for me, from my TBI accident - 12 years ago - I’ve lost way more in my family; here’s my loss of my memories:
1) My wife’s last name before or marriage
2) Merry Christmas for the last decades when my kids when young kids - that’s gone
3) I can’t remember 50% of people that worked before or even at our church
4) Last names of any person that I know thier 1st name
5) Song names - when I was in bands in the weekend, play guitarist
6) some of my drs “doesn’t” rember their name
7) loss of longer words when I can read
8) understanding of: reading, hearing, talking
9) and gone…

I’ve lost my reading/w\hearing, I was a professional job and was so close from my master degree. I feel, from my accident, 80% of my memory & use of my brain.

Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Feb 25 4:52pm

@a4alicat Moving someone, especially a parent, to memory care is never going to be easy. Just remember that when you were a child, they had to make decisions or ask you to do things that weren’t easy either but they did them. Now it’s your turn. You’re not making a decision based on what’s easy but on what’s best and safest for them Here is an article I posted a while ago. It might have some pointers that will help you.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/1017595/
Read the article and let me know if any part of it helps. Will you do that?

bayviewgal | @bayviewgal | Feb 26 2:37pm

@a4alicat
I can relate to what you're going through. My husband is 63(im 58) and was diagnosed with FTD 3 years ago and has now developed progressive aphasia. Im in the process of getting him into a memory care facility and it's been a hard decision, especially emotionally, but I have to remind myself to stay positive because I know this is the best thing for him AND me. There's been several indications that i have "lost" him and I still love him very much and I know he needs more help than i can give him. I have been showering him and helping with his meds and getting him dressed, etc., which I don't mind, and he always lets me know how much he likes that i do all this for him. He always tell me "im the best-est of the best" and it just warms my heart every time i hear it. This awful disease has progressed faster than i thought it would and I thought in the beginning that I would be able to take care of him for the duration but I have found that I cannot. I have guilty feelings about my decision but I keep praying this is the best thing. I feel like i'm keeping him isolated and I can't keep doing this to him. I'm hoping with putting him in a facility, he'll meet others like him, and he won't feel so isolated and hope the caregivers can give him a better quality of life. The thing that is really tearing at my heart i how to break the news to him.
Someone told me that I am the only one that can make this decision, as hard as it is, but I need to think about what's best...for both of us. I don't want my health to be jeopardized because of all the stresses that I've been going thru and my doctor reminds me of this at every visit. I'm not 'leaving" him...just getting some help.
I wish you the best with probably one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make and will keep you in my prayers

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Feb 29 6:04pm

@bayviewgal, this is such a helpful reminder "my doctor reminds me of this at every visit. I'm not 'leaving" him...just getting some help." It's so true.

@a4alicat, how are you doing with the decision making?

a4alicat | @a4alicat | Mar 14 8:09am

I have appreciated all of the insights to my questions. We moved mom to memory care and she was very angry and the whole initial experience is nothing short of emotional hades. You question yourself and your own decency. I can however report that after 6 weeks I actually feel it was a good decision for her. She still wants to come home but not as intensely and if you catch her during most days she will appear to be actually enjoying her time. Her heart is one of the few things that is actually still the same but seeing her in a situation that she is comfortable in but to us looks unreal in the sense that she fits in is still tough.