Thoughts on adoption or surrogacy

Posted by abcdefghi @abcdefghi, Dec 19, 2019

Hello!

As an alternative to fertility treatments for family building, anyone thinking of surrogacy or adoption?

Hi @abcdefghi my wife and I are currently in the process of adopting a boy out of foster care and most likely a second. We definitely saw adoption/foster care as a great alternative for family building. We became foster parents to serve the community but were always open to the possibility of adopting through foster care. It is definitely a cheaper alternative to a private adoption as there is no cost associated, but it is incredibly more stressful as the ups and downs of foster care is a rollercoaster. Bottom line you get to be a parent and it made it more than worth it to my wife and I.

Have you been exploring these alternatives of surrogacy or adoption? What have you found?

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I guess I am still searching – both options (surrogacy / adoption) have their pros and cons. I'm overwhelmed by the process and not really sure where to begin or what the right choice is. My husband I have thought about foster care, but with all the heartbreak we have already experienced, we are afraid of putting ourselves in a position where we could experience more. Which is somewhat humorous, as all paths going forward this point have a certain degree of risk of heartbreak.

If I may ask, why did you choose to foster?

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Hi @abcdefghi your hesitancy totally makes sense and I understand how heartbreak is somewhat involved in all of those options.

My wife was the one who spearheaded the discussion about becoming foster parents. She and I always wanted to adopt, in addition to having biological children, so foster care was something that, although not directly on my mind for sure, wasn't too far of a leap from adopting. We were trying to have biological children of our own and we knew that this was a need in the community that we could fill, so we did them both simultaneously. When we started, and with any future placements (though we will be taking a break for a bit as we go through the adoption process with the two boys currently in our home as foster placements right now) our goal is reunification with their bio parents, while being open to adoption. The technical term for it is concurrent planning as the county works to reunify the child with their bio parents or family, but also working a permanency track if reunification won't be an option.

Once we get settled and the boys get a little older, we'll definitely start taking placements again. It really just comes down to us seeing a need in the community to serve and love these kids who don't know the love we did while growing up, and we knew that we had the resources and the capacity in our hearts (and somehow the ability to deal with the constant ups-and-downs and anxiety) to take in these kids.

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@ethanmcconkey,
Thanks for your response. I sincerely appreciate your openness about foster parenting. Those boys are very lucky to have you and I am sure you are equally lucky as well. I hope the adoption process goes smooth with the 1st as well as the 2nd if he/she is not able to be reunited with his birth family. It is easy to focus on one's own biological process as a family building method but there also other ways as well including those that help out other children in need within our community.

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Almost went through with IVF/Gestational carrier, but backed out last minute because didn't trust the doctor and the cost for the GC. We could afford the IVF part with Mayo's awesome IVF benefits, but it doesn't pay for the carrier, agency fee, pregnancy, and birth. Still considering it in the future, just waiting for Dr. Right to come around and saving a little bit more money. And since we are talking about money, yes, I do believe GC/surrogate is worth getting in debt for if it means having children. If the house is worth getting a mortgage for, then having children definitely tops that. But adoption/fostering is also on our mind once we have a child of our own.

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Hey @mrkhwarrior !!

PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I never saw your post from back in January and sincerely hope that you are still active on this group!! Due to life circumstances my husband and I are not able to do the foster-to-adopt and instead are looking into gestational surrogacy. I see from your above post that you are also exploring this option but backed out at the last minute. Was the Dr from this area or in your potential surrogates area? Indy or agency? Tell me more! Hubs and I are gathering information and also money (yikes) to start to go down this path but hubs first stays I need to grieve the fact that I can't bare children of my own. From your group post in the other chat, I understand that you could potentially be on this road if you choose not to do a uterine transplant. Any thoughts on the matter? SORRY FOR NOT RESPONDING SOONER!!!!

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The hubs and I have an adopted son that is now age 25. We know many other families with adopted children. We did not foster and went through an agency. I think the landscape for adopting is much different now. One thing I’d suggest is checking the laws for adoption in your state. Some states are much better than others. Twenty-five years ago in California, the birthmother had 90 days to change her mind. In NM, she only had 24 hours. You will love your kid; you and your child will also have unique challenges. It’s worth it. We stayed in contact with his birthmother and his half siblings. Now he’s an adult, so he can do that on his own, They were always respectful of our space. It’s not a first choice for anyone…adoptive parents, child or birth parents, but you do the best you can. My son’s birth parents were teenagers and ill equipped to care for him. They did the ultimate loving gesture for him, and for that we are grateful.

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@mepowers – first thank you for sharing the adoption story of your son! It provides hope to those of us who also are considering going down that route. I also agree with you that the adoption scene has changed in the past couple of years and can be tricky to navigate. I looked up the state laws in my state and it seems that the birth mother would have less than 90 days to change her mind. However, adoption presents some technical challenges for us – simply put, location. Due to my husband's career, we might be moving multiple times in the next several years. Each move would be to a different state and we wouldn't know the location until two to three months prior. From what I read online this does not seem like best situation with most people advising to "just wait". Any advice on your end?

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@abcdefghi

@mepowers – first thank you for sharing the adoption story of your son! It provides hope to those of us who also are considering going down that route. I also agree with you that the adoption scene has changed in the past couple of years and can be tricky to navigate. I looked up the state laws in my state and it seems that the birth mother would have less than 90 days to change her mind. However, adoption presents some technical challenges for us – simply put, location. Due to my husband's career, we might be moving multiple times in the next several years. Each move would be to a different state and we wouldn't know the location until two to three months prior. From what I read online this does not seem like best situation with most people advising to "just wait". Any advice on your end?

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If it were me, I’d wait until I’m in a state with the best adoption laws. You said your current state is under 90 days. I would look for less than a week for the birthmother to change her mind. The waiting and even after placement is all stressful. I don’t want to sugarcoat it. We had a great adoption agency and attorney that worked with us. I’d say do your homework and talk to people who have adopted in the state. There is nothing to prevent you from putting in an application and then moving. There is also the international adoption route. The thing about that is the door is permanently closed for your child to ever learn about their family history. Adoptees are curious to varying degrees, and you just don’t know. My son does not know his birthfather aside from a name and what his birthmother told him. Good luck! I know it’s not something you enter into lightly.

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