The system NOW??

Posted by rubbob1 @rubbob1, Thu, Mar 14 1:22pm

Am 86, wife 87, I have many health issues. Dr. has commented on haveing children closer. Not possible for continous care. They are ready to retire and have their own life. Hope his are there for him. Not all children are caregivers. Have their own lifes.. And why do I have to find Dr.s for issues and then they have to get referel from my Dr. Also E.R.s stabilize and dump you to see a dr. Have to find my own??? Don't understand the system now. Wasn't like this when raising our young'ns…. Old and confused….

I agree it's harder for older people. We have mobility issues, hearing problems, vision problems, transportation problems and aren't readily familiar with newer technology such as computer terminals for checking in. We need someone to walk with us through the system and help us understand our options.

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I'm responding to the comment that not all children are caregivers for their older parents. This is true in my case. I've not heard this discussed here so I'm glad to hear others have this situation. I guess I also feel a bit envious of my friends whose children help them out in whatever way they can.

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Interesting. This topic just came up last night when I was talking to my daughter. Both my son and my daughter live in other states. She said if anything happened to Dad I would come and live with them! I was surprised, and also I really don't want that, but I do think about when either my husband or I am left alone, who will be there for us? I find that thought sort of frightening. I know my son would expect his father to move there to live with them. He would probably expect me to also, but I don't want to leave where I am comfortable and know many people, even though they are not such close friends that they would be looking in on me.
JK

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@contentandwell As you know I moved out here to help take care of my grandson ,he,s 10 now and doesn't need me as much ,so I'm glad I'm in a Senior building I see these people more then my son since they are busy people I,m not complaining as at least he text and emails If I need something he is there but it's only when I have a problem Yes I have friends I keep in contact with but it's hard they wish I was there Now can't go back I don't think I would even though it's different but can't stop growing up It was a hard decision you have to make For me I'm glad I did it I only have One child

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@georgette12

I'm responding to the comment that not all children are caregivers for their older parents. This is true in my case. I've not heard this discussed here so I'm glad to hear others have this situation. I guess I also feel a bit envious of my friends whose children help them out in whatever way they can.

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Hello @georgette12 I agree this is an interesting question! I am Scott and I was my wife's caregiver during her 14+ year war with brain cancer. I think you might find the Caregivers discussion group of interest here on Connect, too!

You can access it by clicking here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers/ There are lots of folks in this group who talk about a lot of issues of being a caregiver, needing one, idea, hints, tips, and broad shoulders for listening. This would be a good topic for discussion there!

When I grew up every extended member of my family lived within a few blocks in a smaller town in Ohio. Now I do not have a single relative living in the state at all! Everyone has moved for one reason or another! Some went to college and did not come back home. Most had job offers and left for better opportunities. Some married and went to other places as a result.

Fast forward to when my wife got ill. We were in a community with none of our extended family nearby. Our children were in their 20s at the time and my wife made the decision that she did not want her caregiving needs/issues to be their burden. I agreed with that — they had their own lives/children/school to focus on. Addionally my wife's cancer made her mentally different so no one in our neighborhood wanted anything to do wtih her and this extended to her siblings as well as mine.

Caregiving is a tough job, not for everyone, nor can it even be an option given certain diseases, etc.

Would you be intersted in posting your question over on the Caregiving group?

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@lioness

@contentandwell As you know I moved out here to help take care of my grandson ,he,s 10 now and doesn't need me as much ,so I'm glad I'm in a Senior building I see these people more then my son since they are busy people I,m not complaining as at least he text and emails If I need something he is there but it's only when I have a problem Yes I have friends I keep in contact with but it's hard they wish I was there Now can't go back I don't think I would even though it's different but can't stop growing up It was a hard decision you have to make For me I'm glad I did it I only have One child

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Thanks, @lioness Hopefully it will never come to that. If they needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat. Right now I have my routine here, I have a few close friends, and I go to my health club, so I prefer staying here. Oh, and I have my hairdresser — I can't leave him! 😉

@IndianaScott Things really are different these days, with kids moving away, etc. I am proud that my kids had the independence to find their own way, but I do miss them terribly, and I actually think they miss us too! My sister had three children though, and one lives right in the same town, one about an hour away, and the other is about four hours away, so she is fortunate in that.
When our son moved to Denver in the summer he bought a big house, and repeatedly insists he bought it so that we could make "extended visits". He's a good son. 🙂 He's getting married this summer and has asked my husband to be his best man! He says he's his best friend, despite him having a HUGE tribe of friends.
JK

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@contentandwell

Thanks, @lioness Hopefully it will never come to that. If they needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat. Right now I have my routine here, I have a few close friends, and I go to my health club, so I prefer staying here. Oh, and I have my hairdresser — I can't leave him! 😉

@IndianaScott Things really are different these days, with kids moving away, etc. I am proud that my kids had the independence to find their own way, but I do miss them terribly, and I actually think they miss us too! My sister had three children though, and one lives right in the same town, one about an hour away, and the other is about four hours away, so she is fortunate in that.
When our son moved to Denver in the summer he bought a big house, and repeatedly insists he bought it so that we could make "extended visits". He's a good son. 🙂 He's getting married this summer and has asked my husband to be his best man! He says he's his best friend, despite him having a HUGE tribe of friends.
JK

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@contentandwell
I get a kick out of hearing women talking about their hairdressers. It sometimes sounds like their hairdressers mean more to them than their husbands.
Jake

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@IndianaScott

Hello @georgette12 I agree this is an interesting question! I am Scott and I was my wife's caregiver during her 14+ year war with brain cancer. I think you might find the Caregivers discussion group of interest here on Connect, too!

You can access it by clicking here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers/ There are lots of folks in this group who talk about a lot of issues of being a caregiver, needing one, idea, hints, tips, and broad shoulders for listening. This would be a good topic for discussion there!

When I grew up every extended member of my family lived within a few blocks in a smaller town in Ohio. Now I do not have a single relative living in the state at all! Everyone has moved for one reason or another! Some went to college and did not come back home. Most had job offers and left for better opportunities. Some married and went to other places as a result.

Fast forward to when my wife got ill. We were in a community with none of our extended family nearby. Our children were in their 20s at the time and my wife made the decision that she did not want her caregiving needs/issues to be their burden. I agreed with that — they had their own lives/children/school to focus on. Addionally my wife's cancer made her mentally different so no one in our neighborhood wanted anything to do wtih her and this extended to her siblings as well as mine.

Caregiving is a tough job, not for everyone, nor can it even be an option given certain diseases, etc.

Would you be intersted in posting your question over on the Caregiving group?

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@IndianaScott I do not have any kids. Over the years people told me, "Who will care for you when you are old???!!!" My step-son, who calls me his "bonus mom", indicated last month that they will welcome me at their home in Oregon if my husband precedes me in death. I had figured to go it all alone.
Ginger

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@gingerw That is nice Sounds like you won't have any worries .I'm glad for you It's nice to know someone is there for you and your not alone in the world

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@gingerw

@IndianaScott I do not have any kids. Over the years people told me, "Who will care for you when you are old???!!!" My step-son, who calls me his "bonus mom", indicated last month that they will welcome me at their home in Oregon if my husband precedes me in death. I had figured to go it all alone.
Ginger

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Ginger. What a comfort to have someone say that and mean it from their heart . Thank you for sharing.

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@georgette12

Ginger. What a comfort to have someone say that and mean it from their heart . Thank you for sharing.

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@georgette12 @lioness this youngish man [35] has had a tough row to hoe in life, so the fact he appreciates me is a blessing.
Ginger

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@lioness

@gingers Totally agree

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Ginger. I just got a call from a young 35ish woman I worked with several years ago. She used to call me mom. I told her she was my forever adopted daughter too. Well this call meant a lot to me as she told me she would always be there for me. I have two biological sons but this compassionate lovely woman says things I guess my children can't say. Anyway, the moral, I guess, is that Angel's seem to appear when we need them. Like your stepson and my friend.

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@gingerw

@IndianaScott I do not have any kids. Over the years people told me, "Who will care for you when you are old???!!!" My step-son, who calls me his "bonus mom", indicated last month that they will welcome me at their home in Oregon if my husband precedes me in death. I had figured to go it all alone.
Ginger

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Wonderful words to hear @gingerw You must be a terrific 'bonus mom' for sure! Thankfully, kindness seems to never go unrewarded in our lives!

Cheers and keep in touch!

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@jakedduck1

@contentandwell
I get a kick out of hearing women talking about their hairdressers. It sometimes sounds like their hairdressers mean more to them than their husbands.
Jake

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With my mom, going to the hairdresser was more of a social event for her than a hair appointment! It stayed that way her entire life! I have to admit, too, I have a favorite barber and go out of my way to get to his shop 🙂

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