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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ I Dread the Holidays ~

Posted by @amberpep, Dec 11, 2017

Hi to everyone …. I suspect that what I’m going to say here affects a lot of you also. It is now Dec. 11 …. the beginning of that “wonderful, happy, joyous” Holiday Season. Well, I wish I could say that I enjoy Christmas, snow, cold weather, and everything that goes along with it ….. but I don’t. I dread this time of year …. starting in Fall when the leaves begin to turn, and it’s downhill from there. Christmas music, movies, decorations …. it all gives me a very hollow and sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just want it over. I moved 3 hours away from my therapist 2 years ago, and have been going up once a week, every other week, since then. I had a minor car accident last week, so I can’t drive up there this week. I wrote him and asked if there would be any time during the week we could just talk. No ….. he’s packed. Now I know that’s true, but at the same time it’s as if that little girl has been brushed aside, ignored, no time for her, too busy. Very much like when I was a child (an only child) …. just no time for that “rotten little SOB”. Now I won’t see him til Tues. Jan. 2, and I feel I am not going to make it til then. I’ve been seeing him for 12 years, sometimes daily, then 2x a week, and now since I’ve moved every other Tuesday. I count on that time because it’s as if I am affirmed that I AM a person of worth, value, and have something to offer. I know this may sound crazy to some of you, but I feel I’ve been kicked in the teeth ….. thrown away.
abby

Liked by Jan

REPLY

@amberpep

Oh Abby,

I’m so sorry to hear of your auto accident that has put you out of commission for your therapist appointment! Please believe me that you are a person of value and worth and I and many of our members at Mayo Connect care about you! Try to remember that this is just a bump in the road and that you will soon see the reality of your value and worth once again!

Teresa

@amberpep

I’m truly sorry that you’re missing your appointment. It’s happened to me, and I understand the feeling. I have a weekly appointment, and sometimes it seems like 3 weeks. I’ve been seeing therapists for 13 years now, with some brief times off when one of them moved. My last gap was 18 months, and I was beyond suicidal (If there can be such a thing), and I was a basket case by the time I finally got an appointment, which was a 2 month wait. I missed my appointments at Thanksgiving, when we went to California to our daughter’s. I think that being busy and being with our 8 month old granddaughter helped a lot.

You’re a good encourager to people here on Connect. I hope that your interactions here will help you make it through the next several weeks.

Jim

@amberpep , Hi Abby, I’m so sorry to hear of your accident no matter how minor. They can all be traumatic. Am I correct in thinking you are devastated because you are missing your therapy appt? I have my first therapy appt on Dec 14 and I will have to miss it because of a cardiology appt the day before. I can only make one Dr appt per pay day, and I’ve waited so long for this appt. It’s enough to make me cry. But what’s more important cardiology or mental health? (crickets) I’ve been having heart palpitations with shortness of breath, and after a HA in 2016 I thought I’d better go see the heart Dr. More waiting for mental health. Abby, you are such an important person to this forum, I can’t tell you. I try to read your posts whenever I can. You are so loved and cared about here…you are not the only one to dread the holidays. All I can do is dwell on the past and remember the holidays when my parents were still alive and my kids were young. My family consists of 3, me and my 2 kids. I have 2 brothers that live thousands f miles away, one I don’t talk to, the other is my favorite, Davy. He is not doing well either, I will probably never see him again. My little family all have diabetes, and are all on antidepressants. My kids will never have children for various reasons. No grandchildren for me. I feel like such a failure as a mom. I made horrible mistakes as a mom. I am angry and so depressed that it’s hard to get off the couch much less take a shower and get ready for an appt. Look, I was going to try and make you feel better and now I’ve blown it. I’m sorry Abby, take heart, Christmas will soon pass us by again. Sad in itself. Dany

@danybegood1

@amberpep , Hi Abby, I’m so sorry to hear of your accident no matter how minor. They can all be traumatic. Am I correct in thinking you are devastated because you are missing your therapy appt? I have my first therapy appt on Dec 14 and I will have to miss it because of a cardiology appt the day before. I can only make one Dr appt per pay day, and I’ve waited so long for this appt. It’s enough to make me cry. But what’s more important cardiology or mental health? (crickets) I’ve been having heart palpitations with shortness of breath, and after a HA in 2016 I thought I’d better go see the heart Dr. More waiting for mental health. Abby, you are such an important person to this forum, I can’t tell you. I try to read your posts whenever I can. You are so loved and cared about here…you are not the only one to dread the holidays. All I can do is dwell on the past and remember the holidays when my parents were still alive and my kids were young. My family consists of 3, me and my 2 kids. I have 2 brothers that live thousands f miles away, one I don’t talk to, the other is my favorite, Davy. He is not doing well either, I will probably never see him again. My little family all have diabetes, and are all on antidepressants. My kids will never have children for various reasons. No grandchildren for me. I feel like such a failure as a mom. I made horrible mistakes as a mom. I am angry and so depressed that it’s hard to get off the couch much less take a shower and get ready for an appt. Look, I was going to try and make you feel better and now I’ve blown it. I’m sorry Abby, take heart, Christmas will soon pass us by again. Sad in itself. Dany

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Hi dany …. your situation is so sad ….. why is there so much sadness and inward pain in us all? I know a lot of us were raised with a lot of abuse, had abusive marriages, but through it all we tried to do what was right ….. so why all this crap seemingly tossed in our laps? Yes, Christmas will soon be over and gone ….. this year because of my move, I will be spending it with my daughter and her family – they have 2 kids. I know a lot of you would love that, but for me, I’d just as soon be alone, ignore Christmas, and pretend it’s any other day.
When I lived in MD, alone, that’s what I did ….. just went about my day pretending Christmas “wasn’t.” Holidays are just so very hard, and now (I don’t know if you read my recent post) my therapist in MD thinks I should find someone down here so I don’t have to drive up there every other week – 3 hrs. So if I don’t mind, why should he? He sure picked a good time to dump this on me. Much like you, I have 1 daughter who has 2 kids, another daughter, married but they don’t want any children, and a son who at 34 is unmarried. Prospects for more grandkids don’t look so good for me either.
Where are those “Norman Rockwell” families you see on calendars, etc? Do they exist? Did they ever exist? Or was that just a big fantasy too? I guess we’re to just play the cards we’re dealt ….. it’s just hard to even play when you’re down in a 5 ft. black hole. Take care my friend …. you’ve got a lot of company this Christmas ….. soon it’ll all be over and Spring will come ……thank God.
Take care and be good to yourself today ….. you’re worth it!
abby

@danybegood1

@amberpep , Hi Abby, I’m so sorry to hear of your accident no matter how minor. They can all be traumatic. Am I correct in thinking you are devastated because you are missing your therapy appt? I have my first therapy appt on Dec 14 and I will have to miss it because of a cardiology appt the day before. I can only make one Dr appt per pay day, and I’ve waited so long for this appt. It’s enough to make me cry. But what’s more important cardiology or mental health? (crickets) I’ve been having heart palpitations with shortness of breath, and after a HA in 2016 I thought I’d better go see the heart Dr. More waiting for mental health. Abby, you are such an important person to this forum, I can’t tell you. I try to read your posts whenever I can. You are so loved and cared about here…you are not the only one to dread the holidays. All I can do is dwell on the past and remember the holidays when my parents were still alive and my kids were young. My family consists of 3, me and my 2 kids. I have 2 brothers that live thousands f miles away, one I don’t talk to, the other is my favorite, Davy. He is not doing well either, I will probably never see him again. My little family all have diabetes, and are all on antidepressants. My kids will never have children for various reasons. No grandchildren for me. I feel like such a failure as a mom. I made horrible mistakes as a mom. I am angry and so depressed that it’s hard to get off the couch much less take a shower and get ready for an appt. Look, I was going to try and make you feel better and now I’ve blown it. I’m sorry Abby, take heart, Christmas will soon pass us by again. Sad in itself. Dany

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Hugs, Abby @amberpep.

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