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Posted by @bstevens1 in Mental Health, Sep 28, 2011

father, my best friend died almost one year ago. I have never cried but now cry every day. As a doctor I have been self prescribing vicodin for 20 years. I have taken myself off of it two days ago. The shakes and the very severe depression is worse than expected. I feel the typical stong desire to end my life, and it feels close and so easy for me. It would not appear a suicide.
I am thinking these intense driving feelings will pass soon, I do not know how long I can last. I know sometimes it is a week or two, but I have been on it for 20 years.
This is the first time I have ever come out with this.
Can anybody help me without giving me a website or number to call?

Tags: mental health, suicide

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Posted by @survivingyouth, Sep 28, 2011

I have severe psoriatic arthritis, an inherited macular disease and grew up depressed because of my mother and her mental issues. My father left her with 5 children, I was 5 years old and learned way too much about adults and sex. My mother had no parental support system, cried all of the time, and drove us around following him all night. I also had to watch as he hit her and was sent by my mother into bars to plead with him to come home. I remember feeling suicidal as a child because in addition to my sucky life, my mother allowed my sister to psychologically brutalize me.

I've learned that all or the women in my family are at least a bit crazy, so my short term feelings of despair and depression are quite normal. Even my friends who I thought had great home lives were and are suffering from dysfunctional families and depression.

I now believe that no one can avert depression forever. Most of my friends are on drugs for depression.

And, growing up, getting away from my childhood and marrying someone who loved me wasn't enough to cure my ills. I realized early on that even though I loved my daughter dearly, I was a horrible mother because I tried so hard to control everything she did. A very difficult pregnancy and birth made it easy for me to decide to limit my having children to one. I'm not a religious person, but it must have been something magical that made my lovely daughter into a loving daugter who appreciates education and loves animals and is now happy.

Also, I think that the harder that society works to make life easier with technology, support and medications, the more difficult and anxious our lives become. I speaking from my experience as a Manager in the Information Technology field. Telliing your boss that technologically it cannot be done and done yesterday is unacceptable. I see that my doctors are going a little crazy trying to input data into their laptops and it's taking forever for them to input all of thatt stuff. I'm so distracted watching them ticker with their computer that I forget half of what I'm supposed to ask them.

Even though I never really dwelled on my unhappy childhood while it was occurring, I certaily have had times when I do it in recent years. But I grew up feeling like I didn't deserve things and was unworthy of having a good and decent father.

Now, I too have been on some strong meds for my arthritis. I was on morphine for a few years, and I decided after seeing people on Dr G accidently kill themselves on morphine, pain patches and methadone, to go off morphine cold turkey. The nights of terrific pain in my neck, hips and legs were difficult, and it takes awhile, but it can be done. All of the Benadryl and Tylenol PM in the world didn't help me sleep. My doctors said that I had to take something for the intense pain after 2 neck surgeries etc., so I started back up on Lortab at a high dose. But, I liked that short-lived pain relief I felt, and started taking too many. The drawback was that I eventually ran out and found myself without Lortab for 3 weeks. I solved that problem with muscle relaxers.

It goes on and on, because it's like one doctor told me about smoking, overeating and drugs. He said that you have to eat, so moderating what and how much you eat is extremely difficult. You can't tell my sister this but, you don't need cigarettes to live. Well, I learned one thing, I cannot live without pain meds either, so just like the issue with dieting, I'm the only one who can take control of what goes in my mouth.

When I told my doctor that my husband had prostate cancer she immeiately put me on anti-depressants, and those pills immedattely resulted in my gaining 15 pounds. After getting a gastric bypass 5 years ago to get control of a life time being a fat woman, I gained 15 and now 20 ponds. That alone is certainly enough to make me feel suicidal The good news is that his prostate was removed, (his choice) and his cancer was in such an early stage that he's completely cancer free. Now all he has to worry about are his bouts with skin cancer..

And, mortgage default. Since he decided to retire and we couldn't sell our house, we are in default. Our bank refused to discuss one of the government bail-out plans with us, their response, was just pay it like yo've been doing all along. They didn't want to discuss anything until we got a lawyer and stopped paying our note. Any day we do be foreclosed on.

But, even though I get depressed when I think too hard about it, but since we're not alone in this boat, I feel as though we'll survive. The mystery of not knowing what's going to happen next is kind of interesting and almost adventurous. I'm looking forward to where we'll end up and where life is going to take us.

And, I'm willing to bet that LIFE has some interesting places to take you.

You don't say whetherr you're single, married, or gay. So, i assume that you're alone and free to go and do whatever you please. It doesn't have to be an abrupt change either.

I've always loved dogs so much and my husband and daughter do also. I went with my daughter to the animal shelter and wanted to take all of the dogs home. I opted for 1, she adopted another and so together we had 3. I immersed myself in loving and caring for them as well as dog training.

It wasn't intentional, but focusing on my dog's needs instead of taking the time to worry about mine, and finishing up my degree kept me busy and I was doing something I love. I also met people who shared my love for dogs. That is what changed me and how I feel. Sure, I still feel depressed from time to time, but I cut myself some slack because no one is perfect.

Some people find that if they change how they're living or making their living, they could make a more joyful life.


Posted by @bstevens1, Feb 24, 2012

Thank you.


Posted by @deliasanderson, Mar 12, 2012

the fact that you cried a yr after your father died and hadn't prior is indicative to me that you were numb with vicodin. Plato/Socrates said that the measure of a man is shown in one yr after his father's death. Of course, this meant that a person is entitled to cry for a yr and then resolve to take care of themselves and their own lot they have built (i.e.,family, career, etc.) You seem to be coming into your own skin due to the intense pain. I think it was Sydney Jourard who said, "I choose to value my pains". You have succeeded in being a dr. Did the circumstances of your father's death leave you with a feeling of helplessness. Perhaps you might want to talk about this now since you may have been out of it at the time. Pain sometimes can wake you up when it's deep.

Posted by Anonymous-8efa72f9, Dec 11, 2011

I have wondered how you are doing many times since I saw your post. My concern and empathy has been for the despair you were feeling although I had wondered if you made it off of the vicoden. I hope you are staying strong and post back.


Posted by @bstevens1, Dec 11, 2011

Thanks for the reply. I have not taken a vicodin for 77 days now. I am past the shakes but the temptation is still there especially since I have thousands of patient samples at my disposal. Seems this next phase involves feelings of suicide which I have almost every day. I never had suicide thoughts while on vicodin for 20 years. The depression can feel crushing but I am plowing through. I hope to get completely better before summer.


Posted by @drashok, Feb 16, 2012

My God Stevens, you are suffering in vain. Please contact a psychiatrist and you will see wonderful results. Your life will be so easy and productive as a doctor. Doctor heal thyself.
- From a doctor who knows suffering.


Posted by @bstevens1, Feb 24, 2012

Thank you for responding. It has now been 152 days since I have taken Vicodin. I sometimes take a benadryl at night to get me to sleep. My mind does feel clearer, more like it did in med school and my first years at the hospital. I want to be optimistic but I have seen patients relapse, but I am determined not to. I have done this so far without any outside help from colleagues or family. I still think about my dad every day and between asking him to help me in some way, I also ask God to help me many times a day. I never before asked for His help while taking Vicodin. The battle continues.....

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Posted by @shawnbishop, Feb 27, 2012

Your post indicates that you have been having suicidal thoughts. These kinds of thoughts should always be taken seriously, and so we strongly urge you to seek professional help. Please call 1-800-8255 which is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They will place you in contact with professionals who can help.

Osiris likes this

Posted by @roxie43, Mar 16, 2012

Praying you're feeling a little better..don't give up there are people that care and haven't even met you. You do not suffer alone. Just reach out we're here.

Posted by Anonymous-3f3b8acb, Feb 25, 2012

You are worth living. It's ok to cry. For some people crying is taboo but tell me how do you feel after a good cry? I feel better after I cry and don't see it as any type of weakness. Let go of all that internal pain little by little and find someone objective that can hear the story you have to tell and help you explore how to best handle your situation. I wont give you numbers nor websites because you have those already so what you need to figures out which path to recovery you are willing to take
there are people with severe illnesses that exist in our beautiful world that simply want to be healthy and continue living. You have to continue living as well because no matter how you currently feel one day you will look back at these trying times and say I did it! I believed in myself, others encouraged me and I have so many things that I still want to do and see ........
Life is hard my dear. Living takes conviction and purpose. How about we explore how life can be a beautiful experience and work at it a little day by day until all the dark clouds become beautiful sunny days? ?
Please don't forget that people do care
Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary issue. Please reach out for help. I have lost 2 people that meant so much and they are missed immensely
May the angel's watch over you


Posted by @piglit, Mar 16, 2012

Hi Just wanted you to know that You have been in my thoughts and prayers. My Dad passed away many years ago. Please remember that the grief process takes time. A year is not's okay to cry. it helps at times. It will get easier in time it is such early days for you. Give yourself the time, and take each day at a time. You have so much more to give to people and you are needed. You are feeling sad at the moment which is so understandable., Although it's hard ,try to remember all the happy memories of your Dad, this will help. It still helps me to this day. I am so proud of you, with the way you have taken yourself of the medication. Always here if you need to talk. Piglit

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Posted by @nano, Mar 16, 2012

Suicide have never been a solution...What's the use of killing yourself? Plus you should think of what would be the condition of the people who loves you and need you? Would you love to put the people you love in this same condition?.... And yeah I agree the grief process takes time..we don't expect that the person we really love and dear dies...and we can forget about him within a couple of moths or years...So all am saying is try giving yourself little more time...And hopefully you'll get over it. And the best way to avoid suicide is never keeping it as an option. And Best of Luck :).

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