My family is increasing my depression

Posted by aliali @aliali, Aug 10 1:52pm

My mum has suffered much in her life; I still remember myself seeing her crying while I was a kid. She would cry due to my dad insulting her and taking her money illegally. I remember my old brother who is mentally unstable attacking her physically; I still remember the scene of blood on her hands due to his knife attack! She has infinite patience, which is bad for her and our family! Probably one of the reasons why I am depressed is her patience! She must have phoned the police and/or hospital to arrest this mentally unstable brother; she should have get divorced instead of being insulted by her husband. Those scenes have affected all of our family members, I can assure you!
But this is not my concern. The issue is as follows.
After living such a life, I notice her behaving in an unusual way. She is always irritated, talking violently and harming others with her words, even babies of less than two years! But her deeds reveal love. When I ask her: "Why are you irritated mum?" , she suddenly talks softly and lovely "I am not. This is my nature".
I feel a great lack of love[bear in mind that I am a male]. I need to keep reminding her again and again: "Mum, I am depressed and I need special care. Don't complain me. Don't shout at me. Talk to me softly. Show love to me". If I say this, she tries her best to change her behaviour momentarily, because change is hard, especially for a 60-yr age widow whose health is suffering.
I really consider doing the following: seeking her help for one more time; I need to talk to her one more again clearly about the issue and that I am on medication for several years and my physician states that I will not stop medication unless I get a minimum of 6-month replace-free period. I need to tell her the following: "If you do not change you behaviour towards me, then this will negatively affect my health and I may continue to take this medication which may have long-term side effects such as developing kidney failure". She is so sensitive and this statement will have impact on her behaviour, I believe. If I get no promising output out of this last attempt, I am really considering leaving home. I feel it is my minimal right [as a depressed person] to experience love within my family.

1. What is your advice? Are my plans wise?

2. Why is my mum behaving like this? Is it a certain mental health issue? If yes then what is it?

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It sounds like you’ve dealt with a lot of trauma throughout your life, as has your Mom. Are you seeing a counselor to help work through these feelings and process the trauma? Until you process it and deal with the emotions, it will always be there. Your Moms behavior, while hurtful, is out of your control and you need to find it within yourself to acknowledge your feelings and recognize that no one else controls your happiness. Take special care of yourself, and that will help you feel more in control of your circumstances

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Reading this made me realise you both need help.
You write that the past is not your concern, but if it were not you would not have written it.

Your mother may finally have been through too much. Life has been hard for her.
This was, and is, her life though. You cannot change the way she is, only help make it more beautiful.

You write that you are depressed and that you need your mother to show you love even though you yourself do not really feel love, you say. But you DO notice her deeds are filled with love. So clearly she is showing you that she loves you, but maybe not in a way that you would like.
It is possible that your mother is very tired, drained, even.

Your plan does not strike me as yet thoroughly thought through. What you write is, in a way, playing the guilt card. You're trying to make her feel guilty for not being able to make you happy. As an adult: you yourself are the one who should try to make yourself happy. It seems you're on the way with medication. What your mother does is out of your hands, and that's good. What if you could have that kind of influence on her? It would be pure manipulation, a bit like what you're trying to do now.

I don't think your intentions are bad, mind you! But please think this through. Someone who feels guilty is not good company and is not in a healthy place. Don't be the person who sends her to that place: she already had too much on her plate.
As for you: grab some good therapy, get yourself sorted out, get help to help you see yourself in a better light, with energy and determination, and love. Remember though: love is not a right. It is a gift. It does not come from a manipulated heart.

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@aliali In reading your post and as a person dealing with bipolar, depression and family trauma all I can say is that you need to take care of yourself first even if that means leaving so that you can have a life. Yes we want family but maybe those family members are incapable of giving something that was not given to them which is hard to understand and accept. Having the “title” of mother doesn’t make them a mother. This is difficult to understand and accept as I am experiencing this in my family. Take care of yourself and in doing so you can be the example to your family of how to live a better life.

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Your post aliali reminded me of a friend who use to take their elderly mother-in-law shopping weekly. He would immediately have to go to bed for several hours afterwards to recover. This relative of his had become deaf and now spoke so loudly everyone around her could hear what she thought she was mentioning in private. So for example standing in a market checkout line she would make a comment about the people just in front of her like "You can tell why the daughter is so ugly, just look at her mother." This woman had once been an ordained minister! I know my friend could not have managed living with her, as a weekly outing required hours of post visit solitary rest on his part. Age does not seem to treat some people kindly no matter what their upbringing or past. You will not be in a position to help others in the future should you sacrifice your own health, put it first!

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You are describing a similar situation I go through. I d love the opinion of an expert on this issue. I believe our mothers were victims in the past and now they are aware of it and maybe feel bad for not taking action in the past. They become aggressive and hurtful towards the ones around them. They can’t see they are hurting us because we are still trying to heal from all of the past. I don’t have an answer , in fact I would like to be stronger and stand up to them and tell them that if they don’t stop or receive help for the way they treat us we are going to leave

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