More Frequent Sundowning

@gratia
I have no idea, but since no one else has offered suggestions I shall brainstorm here:
-does she likes baths? Something that will soothe or calm her? If not a bath, a foot soak or foot massage perhaps (or hire a masseuse with a heads up to what they'd be dealing with potentially)
-would going for a walk help (if she's mobile), or walking her outdoors in her wheelchair if that's the case; some exposure to fresh air and hopefully sunshine
-Something to distract her temporarily, like her favorite music, watching her favorite band on a YouTube concert
-would she do chair yoga? Would moving her body a little give her some relief from her demons?
-what were her hobbies? Would she do a puzzle, play a game (a simple one if that's all she can handle), help cook or bake something, paint, etc.
-plant some seeds, work outside in the garden transplanting a flower you buy from one pot to a bigger pot, something her hands could handle
Well, I am out of ideas, and not knowing her capacity makes it hard to know what she would or can do.
All the best to you. 🫠

@judimahoney

Dear Judi,
These are all excellent and thoughtful suggestions~ I hope others read them as well. Sundowning is really challenging on caregivers. 💔

Mother’s temperament has always skewed cranky, negative and stubborn; currently, these traits seem to be accentuated. 😐

Baths- she’s a “never bather” at this point - I give her “bird baths” with gentle cleansing wipes which seem to help a bit. 🛁

My sister takes her out on deck as weather permits- it’s good for vitamin D and to enjoy fresh air.🌞

When she gets in sundown mode…we let her walk & she walks… aggressively with walker.. even slammed it against cabinet in kitchen once in a rage fit. 😵‍💫 Hoping this was a “one-off event”.

My sister is always trying to entertain and distract but it doesn’t work much - plus she’s always played that role in our family and it’s not her responsibility. I’m on autopilot and low battery mode, “keep calm & carry on.” “One step at a time” are the go to mottos in my head.

Our mother used to do so, so much…painting -writing -gardening and cooking
But she’s not interested and hasn’t been for a while. It’s very sad. She does “read” all day. She likes to eat and seems happy with food we cook (for the most part).

Thankfully she stopped fixating on her ex husband (our deceased dad) - that was an obsession for a while and very triggering.

Overall, I take this experience as a life lesson to keep engaged in our own interests, and work on our “issues” the best we can now. With caregiving, use radical acceptance & reframing, enjoy the ‘wins’ as they come and find humor wherever we can. 🤗❤️

@gratia
Radical acceptance indeed! You are doing the absolute best that you can.
Wonder what your Mom says when you ask her what she wants to do? Just a cranky, negative answer? It's all so very hard. Virtual hugs. 🤗

@judimahoney she doesn’t answer if I ask. I try to engage. I’m sure it’s also hard for her to communicate so that’s part of it. 😔

@gratia
Sundowning is a very hard time and I am especially dreading the time change when the evenings/nights will be even longer. My husband has been a real handful in the evenings staying very agitated and into everything, even more so than normal. About the time he is catching his second breath I am ready to wind my day down. His neurologist has been working with his medication to find the right mix and the right timing and I think we may have found it.🤞He is currently taking an antidepressant in the morning at 8:00 when he gets up. At 11:00 I give him his antiagitation medicine and he gets it again, doubled, between 3:30-4:00 in preparation for the sun downing hours. I also try to keep him as active as possible in the earlier parts of the day to tire him and keep the evenings relatively quieter. By 7:30-8:00 he ready to go to bed, and I have some quiet time. It’s taken several weeks for all of this to get into his system, but I think I am starting to see a real change in his behavior (more settled in the evenings) which gives me hope because honestly I have been at my wit’s end! You may need to consider some changes in your mother’s meds and routines. Keep trying until you find what may work. Good luck to you.

@gratia
My husband's typical reply to almost any question is, 'I don't know'.
There are so many hats we wear. Now we are super-sleuths, trying to figure out what they want, need, prefer, and as mentioned before, cruise directors (and nurses, cooks, etc.).
I want to slap people that say, 'You got this', because I don't always 'got this'.
Anyway, we have each other.
Take it easy. 🤙

@labrown I hope the new regimen works so you and your husband are able to get the rest you need.

The “dreading” of sundown hour you mention…it’s so accurate/ I start to feel anxious around dinner time in anticipation… and then that time change with sundown earlier 😵‍💫

We give her magnesium gummies evening after dinner, and it seems to help. Also an epsom salt foot bath- the magnesium again. Soothing and calming.

I send you positive thoughts and pray for all of us to get through this dementia caregiver journey intact. We are doing the best we can.
❤️🤗

@gratia
I'm still thinking about this. When I was a teacher we worked to modify each student's environment to help them thrive.
If your Mom doesn't respond or engage to your spoken word, have you tried visuals, like holding up a picture of her favorite beverage to see if she'll somehow communicate that she's thirsty, or a photo of her pain meds to see if she'll let you know she's in pain.
Perhaps a referral from her Doc to see an Occupational Therapist to try and modify her environment, since she is no longer communicating in her previous way.
Just brainstorming here. 🦭

@judimahoney Oh, no, you're going to slap me because I always say 'You got this." but that's because from a motivational standpoint, I have to be up for the day, not down, and there's something about the words that showcase positive momentum, regardless of how we're really feeling.
Best, Karla