Hi. I’m Robbie, I’m 19 years old and I have been struggling with a plethora of mental health issues seemingly my whole life (yes, when I was a very small child as well).
I’ve been hospitalized (inpatient, suicide watch) 7 times in one year during the 6th grade. I’ve seen over 6 different therapists, 4 different psychiatrists, been to outpatient programs more times than I can count or even remember, even up until recently. I also have physical health issues that are severe (IBS and another GI disorder they’re trying to figure out, and can’t, despite the ridiculous amounts of tests I’ve done this year). I’m always fatigued and always feel a dull ache. These health issues worsen my unaddressed eating disorder as well as my depression and anxiety.
I could really go on and on. But the point is, I dont know what to do anymore. I’ve seen so many therapists my whole life and as the years go by things just seem to keep getting worse and worse. So, so much worse. I’ve been on a million different meds, tried so many different therapies. Right now, ketamine treatments or ECT are the only two options any of my docs can think of that might help because I am so treatment-resistant (evidently). Although I do my best to exercise, expose myself with anxiety, practice healthy coping tools, I’ve developed a dependence on a few drugs (kratom, Adderall, and Klonopin. the former two are prescribed to me, and kratom I can legally buy OTC where I live). I feel like it’s the only way I can get through every day, and at night time it’s even worse. I have no passion, no motivation, no matter how much effort I put into trying to change things and cope with things. It’s EXHAUSTING. and expensive. I’m exhausted, and my friends don’t understand the severity, I feel isolated and alone. No amount of support groups seems to help that. They only make me more sad, sometimes. My parents are unhappy, my partner (who lives with me) also struggles with depression and anxiety. The whole world seems so unhappy.
Lately, I’ve been terrified there is no fixing any of this. Trust me, I’ve researched and looked into so many things. It’s not like I don’t have plenty of resources at my disposal. So I’m at a loss. I’m not living for myself, I’m only still here out of guilt, because if I ended my life it would hurt those who care about me and depend on me. But I’m just getting too tired. There is no hope or optimism. My doctors haven’t said it out right, but I think they’re losing optimism, too. I don’t know how much longer I can do this; how much energy I have to keep going. I can’t even rely on myself or be as independent as I like, such as holding a job for more than a month or consistently attending classes — I even dropped out of high school and am supposed to be working towards my GED. My plan is to become an EMT. That is, if I make it that far in life. Envisioning my future has always been hard and it now feels impossible to see a realistic, even short-term future.
I didn’t know if anyone had any words of wisdom or experience with this, whether personal or if you’re a caregiver of someone struggling in similar ways. Anything would be appreciated, but I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing here.
Liked by Mamacita, Alumna Mentor