Lost Hope, Last Resorts...

Posted by tricks @tricks, Thu, May 9 11:46pm

Hi. I'm Robbie, I'm 19 years old and I have been struggling with a plethora of mental health issues seemingly my whole life (yes, when I was a very small child as well).

I've been hospitalized (inpatient, suicide watch) 7 times in one year during the 6th grade. I've seen over 6 different therapists, 4 different psychiatrists, been to outpatient programs more times than I can count or even remember, even up until recently. I also have physical health issues that are severe (IBS and another GI disorder they're trying to figure out, and can't, despite the ridiculous amounts of tests I've done this year). I'm always fatigued and always feel a dull ache. These health issues worsen my unaddressed eating disorder as well as my depression and anxiety.

I could really go on and on. But the point is, I dont know what to do anymore. I've seen so many therapists my whole life and as the years go by things just seem to keep getting worse and worse. So, so much worse. I've been on a million different meds, tried so many different therapies. Right now, ketamine treatments or ECT are the only two options any of my docs can think of that might help because I am so treatment-resistant (evidently). Although I do my best to exercise, expose myself with anxiety, practice healthy coping tools, I've developed a dependence on a few drugs (kratom, Adderall, and Klonopin. the former two are prescribed to me, and kratom I can legally buy OTC where I live). I feel like it's the only way I can get through every day, and at night time it's even worse. I have no passion, no motivation, no matter how much effort I put into trying to change things and cope with things. It's EXHAUSTING. and expensive. I'm exhausted, and my friends don't understand the severity, I feel isolated and alone. No amount of support groups seems to help that. They only make me more sad, sometimes. My parents are unhappy, my partner (who lives with me) also struggles with depression and anxiety. The whole world seems so unhappy.

Lately, I've been terrified there is no fixing any of this. Trust me, I've researched and looked into so many things. It's not like I don't have plenty of resources at my disposal. So I'm at a loss. I'm not living for myself, I'm only still here out of guilt, because if I ended my life it would hurt those who care about me and depend on me. But I'm just getting too tired. There is no hope or optimism. My doctors haven't said it out right, but I think they're losing optimism, too. I don't know how much longer I can do this; how much energy I have to keep going. I can't even rely on myself or be as independent as I like, such as holding a job for more than a month or consistently attending classes — I even dropped out of high school and am supposed to be working towards my GED. My plan is to become an EMT. That is, if I make it that far in life. Envisioning my future has always been hard and it now feels impossible to see a realistic, even short-term future.

I didn't know if anyone had any words of wisdom or experience with this, whether personal or if you're a caregiver of someone struggling in similar ways. Anything would be appreciated, but I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here.

Robbie, I’m Kay. My 14 year old daughter is displaying the same unmotivated, uncaring behaviors. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As a parent, it breaks my heart that you, and others, feel this way. Have you told your parents how you’re feeling, you sound like you’re in the verge on attempting again. Please call the suicide prevention hotline to talk to them and see what they say. Their number is 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t want to talk to them, please call your counselor, psychiatrist, or the hospital. I’m praying for you!

REPLY

Robbie I too have had depression all my life and I am 67 now. Unfortunately life is not easy, but I am living proof you can make it through. Actually you may be coming to a better time in your life. If your depression is related to your brain not working to get you feeling good at times, then your brain may work better without the strain of growth and when your brain reaches it's full growth. Your brain develops until age 30 so you still have time to get better. Have you tried therapy? Studies show therapy with antidepressants works the best. Even if you don't have issues that caused the depression, therapy can help you deal with the depression by finding ways to cope with it. I am resistant too. The doctors at Mayo have concluded that if you have tried a number of antidepressants and they do not work, you may need a very large dosage. I take about 4 times the normal dosage. A genetic test can show if some antidepressants do not work with your genes and what they are. Otherwise trial and error works too. If you have tried something at a high dosage and it does not work, then it probably means it will not work for you. Have you tried different doctors? Another doctor may have a different idea of what to do. Be aware that Klonopin can cause depression and tiredness as side effects. I was much better without it. Do not stop any medicine without talking with your doctor and getting his approval.
Please know that I am here with you on this. It is not easy, but it is possible to get through. We are all here with you to let you know we care and are ready to talk with you about your depression. I am praying for you too.

REPLY

@tricks– Hi Robbie- My heart aches for you for all you have and are going through! No wonder that you are discouraged- anyone would be !
Have you undergone genetic testing for psychiatric medications? If not I would suggest you do that. Also I would try the Ketamine and then if necessary the ECT. It seems theses treatments have helped some people who have not had success with others. Don't give up there is still hope!
Best wishes
Ainsleigh

REPLY
@kaybird

Robbie, I’m Kay. My 14 year old daughter is displaying the same unmotivated, uncaring behaviors. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As a parent, it breaks my heart that you, and others, feel this way. Have you told your parents how you’re feeling, you sound like you’re in the verge on attempting again. Please call the suicide prevention hotline to talk to them and see what they say. Their number is 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t want to talk to them, please call your counselor, psychiatrist, or the hospital. I’m praying for you!

Jump to this post

Hi, yes, my parents are aware as I still live with them. They're starting to see how severe this is getting and I know my mother is very worried, it's been going on to a degree since I was 7 years old. All these treatments are so expensive, I feel bad putting my parents and friends through all of this, and feel the least I could do is try and stay alive a little bit longer for them, and try these "last resort" (at least it feels like they are) treatments. Thank you very much for your response, I appreciate the support right now more than ever.

REPLY
@johnhans

Robbie I too have had depression all my life and I am 67 now. Unfortunately life is not easy, but I am living proof you can make it through. Actually you may be coming to a better time in your life. If your depression is related to your brain not working to get you feeling good at times, then your brain may work better without the strain of growth and when your brain reaches it's full growth. Your brain develops until age 30 so you still have time to get better. Have you tried therapy? Studies show therapy with antidepressants works the best. Even if you don't have issues that caused the depression, therapy can help you deal with the depression by finding ways to cope with it. I am resistant too. The doctors at Mayo have concluded that if you have tried a number of antidepressants and they do not work, you may need a very large dosage. I take about 4 times the normal dosage. A genetic test can show if some antidepressants do not work with your genes and what they are. Otherwise trial and error works too. If you have tried something at a high dosage and it does not work, then it probably means it will not work for you. Have you tried different doctors? Another doctor may have a different idea of what to do. Be aware that Klonopin can cause depression and tiredness as side effects. I was much better without it. Do not stop any medicine without talking with your doctor and getting his approval.
Please know that I am here with you on this. It is not easy, but it is possible to get through. We are all here with you to let you know we care and are ready to talk with you about your depression. I am praying for you too.

Jump to this post

Thank you for this.
It's just hard when it feels like I've been trying to cope with SOMETHING every single second of every day since…my whole life. I have PTSD (likely c-ptsd) as well, which started from various reasons in my environment from a very very young age (< 3yrs).

The thing with medications is complicated too because they aren't sure whether I have bipolar or not, my episodes are very very unpredictable and don't necessarily always fit into the criteria. Antidepressants cause manic episodes, but I am currently on a mood stabilizer for that and an average dose of Zoloft. I have seen many many therapists and psychiatrists for over a decade. I did do genetic testing a while back, but there were some issues involved and my current psychiatrist wants me to redo it, which I hopefully will soon and get some conclusive results.

REPLY
@ainsleigh

@tricks– Hi Robbie- My heart aches for you for all you have and are going through! No wonder that you are discouraged- anyone would be !
Have you undergone genetic testing for psychiatric medications? If not I would suggest you do that. Also I would try the Ketamine and then if necessary the ECT. It seems theses treatments have helped some people who have not had success with others. Don't give up there is still hope!
Best wishes
Ainsleigh

Jump to this post

Thank you very much Ainsleigh (love that name by the way!). I did do genetic testing but something went wrong with my results I think, I can't remember, so I'm most likely going to redo that as well as try out ketamine therapy and, if that doesn't work, then ECT.

REPLY

I am also wondering about genetic testing. Did anyone do that and find meds that suited them or experience any helpful difference in the long run?

The meds I'm currently on (Trileptal, Adderall, Zoloft, Klonopin) seem to be the closest I can get to anything that even slightly helps me, and my whole life has been trial and error with drugs, so I can't imagine there's many left for me to try. It seems like the doctors already have decided I'm just treatment resistant, which I believe I am, and don't feel the genetic testing is all that necessary and are instead looking into the therapies I listed in my original post (ketamine or ECT).

REPLY

@tricks Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. We truly are glad you found us, and we extend a helping hand attached to shoulders to lean on! I hope the genetic testing will give you and your doctor better insight to help solve issues. Remember, you are posting here, and that alone shows great promise. Remember that! Can you contact a nearby chapter of NAMI [Nat'l Assn for Mental Illness] for tapping their resources and help? When you state things are sporatic, keep a journal detailing the symptoms [time/day/what you're going thru]. Many times the act of releasing the power of the symptoms, by getting rid of them in writing, will help. Keep talking to us! Can you do that?
Ginger

REPLY
@tricks

I am also wondering about genetic testing. Did anyone do that and find meds that suited them or experience any helpful difference in the long run?

The meds I'm currently on (Trileptal, Adderall, Zoloft, Klonopin) seem to be the closest I can get to anything that even slightly helps me, and my whole life has been trial and error with drugs, so I can't imagine there's many left for me to try. It seems like the doctors already have decided I'm just treatment resistant, which I believe I am, and don't feel the genetic testing is all that necessary and are instead looking into the therapies I listed in my original post (ketamine or ECT).

Jump to this post

@tricks– Yes- my Grandson took the genetic test.It indicated he was on the wrong medication .His doctor weaned him off and put him on one in the category the test indicated was good for him.
Hang in there!
Best wishes
Ainsleigh

REPLY
@tricks

I am also wondering about genetic testing. Did anyone do that and find meds that suited them or experience any helpful difference in the long run?

The meds I'm currently on (Trileptal, Adderall, Zoloft, Klonopin) seem to be the closest I can get to anything that even slightly helps me, and my whole life has been trial and error with drugs, so I can't imagine there's many left for me to try. It seems like the doctors already have decided I'm just treatment resistant, which I believe I am, and don't feel the genetic testing is all that necessary and are instead looking into the therapies I listed in my original post (ketamine or ECT).

Jump to this post

Hi @tricks, I want to add my welcome as well. Have you heard of OK2Talk https://ok2talk.org It is a website by NAMI for teens and young adults. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to send you somewhere else, but I thought you might want to know about it. I'm glad you're here, especially to hear stories like @johnhans, who has lived with mental health all his life. He, too, was 19 once and is here to tell you about at 67.
Who is the dog in your profile picture? She looks so alert, curious and ready to play. I say "she", but I of course don't know her gender. Is she your dog?

REPLY

Hi Robbie! You write you have a few stomach issues. There is more evidence coming forward that our gut health is somewhat related to our mental health. I believe even Mayo has research on this. It could help to learn more about your gut health …maybe could help a bit. Stool tests for candida, probiotics, foods that may be making you feel worse. Also a complete blood panel for hormones and perhaps lacking some vitamins/nutrients. Magnesium…vitamin D etc Functional medicine or Integrative medicine seems to do more extensive testing on these issues. Just an idea to try. Keep on keeping on!!

REPLY

I am 52 years old and have complex P.T.S.D. and childhood trauma and have been told i have bipolar by some and that i don’t by others. I was in the military and have gotten my 4 year degree. i wanted to strive to be anything but what my family was and some still are. but that being said i lost medication that did work due to my husband losing his job and have been on a roller coaster of generics to find what works. apparently i am in the class of people that generics throw them all over the place mentally. so i just winged off everything and yes it can be done slow process but i was frustrated and angry from growing up with both to now having my world turned upside down again. i am tired warn out and have had all i can take of life and myself at times. but i have experienced being off and trying other alternative means from herbs to amino acids you name it i tried it. but i know i need to be on something because nothing i have done works without its own set of long term problems. so i am bound and determined to make this square peg in my life fit this round hole. I have been through mental heal this past year and with my family that’s still living. i cry most of the time grieving what i will never experience with a mother or father on a love, caring compassion supported level and i will probably grieve it till i die. but i’ll be &#$’l if they are going to win. I have an inner light that guides me and keeps me fighting to the bitter end whenever that may be. but i have lost pretty much everything u cannot buy, and some that can be bought, but i persevere. i will find what works for me even if it isn’t perfect because i’m worth it. Even though i was brought up thinking i wasn’t, i hope this helps in some way, because i totally get what you are saying i have been through med hell. the thing is you are on here talking and sharing and people are listening and replying that’s freaking awesome in itself that you are worth listening too. you matter, people love you in your family. i hope something i have shared helps you.

REPLY
@scrollsbc

I am 52 years old and have complex P.T.S.D. and childhood trauma and have been told i have bipolar by some and that i don’t by others. I was in the military and have gotten my 4 year degree. i wanted to strive to be anything but what my family was and some still are. but that being said i lost medication that did work due to my husband losing his job and have been on a roller coaster of generics to find what works. apparently i am in the class of people that generics throw them all over the place mentally. so i just winged off everything and yes it can be done slow process but i was frustrated and angry from growing up with both to now having my world turned upside down again. i am tired warn out and have had all i can take of life and myself at times. but i have experienced being off and trying other alternative means from herbs to amino acids you name it i tried it. but i know i need to be on something because nothing i have done works without its own set of long term problems. so i am bound and determined to make this square peg in my life fit this round hole. I have been through mental heal this past year and with my family that’s still living. i cry most of the time grieving what i will never experience with a mother or father on a love, caring compassion supported level and i will probably grieve it till i die. but i’ll be &#$’l if they are going to win. I have an inner light that guides me and keeps me fighting to the bitter end whenever that may be. but i have lost pretty much everything u cannot buy, and some that can be bought, but i persevere. i will find what works for me even if it isn’t perfect because i’m worth it. Even though i was brought up thinking i wasn’t, i hope this helps in some way, because i totally get what you are saying i have been through med hell. the thing is you are on here talking and sharing and people are listening and replying that’s freaking awesome in itself that you are worth listening too. you matter, people love you in your family. i hope something i have shared helps you.

Jump to this post

@scrollsbc Good morning and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. We're glad you found us. First off, thank you for your service. Your response is a breath of fresh air, to hear how you continue to overcome your past. We each have our own journey, and finding just the right combination to winning can be tiring, and difficult. Like you said, "don't give up". I am encouraged to hear your positivity, as it really hits home for me personally this morning. You are absolutely right, we are worth it, and we matter! Here's a cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate raised in toast to all of us on this incredible journey, grieving what cannot be replaced but determined to make our lives the best we can.
Ginger

REPLY
@colleenyoung

Hi @tricks, I want to add my welcome as well. Have you heard of OK2Talk https://ok2talk.org It is a website by NAMI for teens and young adults. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to send you somewhere else, but I thought you might want to know about it. I'm glad you're here, especially to hear stories like @johnhans, who has lived with mental health all his life. He, too, was 19 once and is here to tell you about at 67.
Who is the dog in your profile picture? She looks so alert, curious and ready to play. I say "she", but I of course don't know her gender. Is she your dog?

Jump to this post

Hi, thank you for the resource!
And yes, that is my dog, Dexter. He is very alert, curious and always ready to play, haha

REPLY

Hello! @tricks, Robbie, Welcome! I am a bit late getting into this conversation, but better late than never, right?

My beloved father would say "Better never late!!!" How I miss that man. He died a long time ago. 1976. I am five years older than he was when he passed away. But you know something really neat, Robbie? The people who are meant to find each other usually do. You and I are poles apart. Yet we have so very much in common.

I almost hesitate to even speak of the similarities. Can we just say that almost from the time I first arrived on the planet, I was overwhelmed with depression. I had plans to run away from home before I could even read. I knew how I was going to kill myself even as I watched the original Mickey Mouse Club on our black and white TV.

My father was my angel sent from Heaven.
My mother was a very unhappy survivor of childhood abuse, and did not want to be a mother.
I learned early on to mask, to lie, to minimize my own needs and dismiss whatever was going on with me to help my mother.
I was misdiagnosed all my life. One of the finest Psychiatrists in all history told me that she couldn't figure out if I was Bi-Polar or ADHD. She honestly did not know what to do for me.

Neither did I. I double majored in Psychology and Sociology in college, because I wanted to know everything I could to help myself and to understand my clan of "high strung" relatives.

Fast forward to my original point: We find each other. If we are lucky. We find the members of our "tribe"….the ones who have been through the same kinds of things, and survived. We help each other, we listen to each other, we encourage each other. We find ways not only to survive, but to thrive.

I cannot give you all the answers that I found for myself in one " fell swoop."

That would be too long, and too overwhelming, and that would be adding insult to injury. But bit by bit, if you will bear with me, I would love to share with you some of the roadblocks I have had. And where I am today.

One of the greatest blessings in my life is to have found this group of people called Mayo Clinic Connect. I loved it so much, in fact, that eventually I became a volunteer mentor. I have had many different occupations in my life. This is by far one of my greatest assignments yet.

My teenager says I talk too much.
He's right. I do.
But here's a secret…..I talk so others can speak.

You keep talking. Keep sharing. My friends here at the Connect Table are waiting for you. Joy and peace are not so far away from you as those thoughts inside your head tell you.

God has given me a great love for those who are going through tough times. I may only be words on a screen, but I am real. I exist outside of this space. I survived. You can too.

Love and light to you, my friend.

Mamacita

REPLY
Please login or register to post a reply.