I lost my wife 4 months ago and still have a hard time sleeping and constant thoughts of quilt for not giving her enough attention. Alone a lot. All children live far away.
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Hello @jerrynord. Please accept my sympathies in the loss of your wife. Being alone a lot doesn't help as you deal with grief. Do you have any friends or organizations that you can connect with? I'm thinking of church groups, sports teams, community or volunteer activities? Please know that four months is not a long time after a loss. There is no time limit for grief so be patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need.
You might already know that sleeplessness and a sense of guilt are both normal responses to grief. We all can look back on our relationships and wish we had done more. That is very common to anyone who has lost a loved one.
It is well known that talking about your loved one and the feeling of loss is very important as you adjust to the loss. Would you like to tell us something about your wife? For example, how long were you married? Did she die after a long illness or was it a sudden death? Please share as you are comfortable doing so.
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We had been married for 57 years. She had gone through many medical problems from heart surgery, cancer, broken limbs, diabetes over the years. Recovering well from a broken hip and walking on her own and then started having balance, taste, sleep problems. Then high temperature which she was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with Sepsis. Four days later she died.
So this was sudden and unexpected. Church groups helped but I live in a very small community with no real close friends or family.
I am sorry to hear of your wife's sepsis, @jerrynord. Yes, that can be very difficult to treat when there are other pre-existing conditions. I would like to invite @IndianaScott to join this conversation. He also lost his wife after a long battle with cancer and he can undoubtedly share with you.
Are there any grief support groups in your area? Can you speak with a pastor or other counselor? Being all alone makes grief even more difficult.
I am writing to tell you that I lost my husband over 20 years ago in a car accident. Loss of a spouse is a very traumatic loss and no one can understand this pain. It is very unique loss and everyone goes through this differently. kubler_Ross says there are five stages of grief…. the first is denial…. I stayed in this stage for over 2 years.. No one goes through this the same way…. please talk and get it out…your wife would want your pain eased… God bless you May may please write when you can
Talked to our pastor but at this time I really don't feel like talking to anyone about it.
@jerrynord There is no timeline for grief, or guilt, or figuring how to "carry on". I am sorry your wife passed so suddenly, when it looked like she was recovering well. In these times of electronic communications, of course you can always come here to Mayo Connect to talk to us. Looking into a support group that meets via Zoom might help you, as well as reaching out to the social worker team at the hospital where your wife was, to get resources you can use.
It's difficult to go through changes in seasons, or memories of how you lived as a couple, when your spouse is not there to share with you. My dad kept a journal that he wrote to my mother, who dealt with Alzheimers and dementia for 10 years before she passed. They were married just shy of 53 years, and he wrote like they were not dealing with her health issues. He said he found it cathartic, and made his days more complete. Perhaps you could try something like that? I have found myself "talking" to lost loved ones like they are right beside me, and it seems to help sometimes.
Hi @jerrynord I'm Scott, the IndianaScott, @hopeful33250 referenced. My wife and I were married for 40+ years when she died after a decade and a half war with her brain cancer.
My personal perspective is that I believe each of us grieves in our own, unique way; just as we each loved our lost love uniquely. I, too, found no solace in talking with others about my grief. It made it worse, but I did find that being able to discuss my feelings here on Connect to be a big help to me. Again, personally, I found my grief path was my own and not something that was 'prescribed' by folks who called themselves experts on the topic.
I lost my wife five years ago and I still grieve for her every day, just in different ways than before. I think we grieve in proportion to how much we loved our lost one.
If you'd like to ask me any questions or for ideas about things I tried and found helpful through my grief journey, please let me know!
Strength, Courage, & Peace
What you said seems to be true for me too. Thanks.
Yes, I find myself talking also. And apologizing a lot.
I feel like this quite often…. it's as if no one can feel the way you feel right now… Job in the bible helped me, all the answers did not come right away …. faith helps…. maymay
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