Loss of a relationship

Posted by Anne @surfergirl10, Jun 10 5:42am

My boyfriend broke up with me after 4 years of living together with no warning, no reason and no discussion. He refuses to speak to me since the day of the breakup 4 months ago. It is also the end of a 21-year friendship. Everyone says get over it and move on, he did. Apparently he was seeing someone else while we were living together. The question is how do you do that?

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No Commitment=No Chance
You have to have a commitment to keep you there and to get you through these “dry spells” when you’re really vulnerable to doing something stupid and the grass looks greener on the other side. You get there and find out it’s just spray paint. So on to the next one and you wind up with a life that could have been a lot better if you’d played by the rules. A woman is looked down on and a man just forgives himself and saves the Lord the trouble.

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I had a breakup after a very long-term relationship, nearly ten years.

It hit me very hard. I felt terrible, that it was my fault, that I should have done X, Y, or Z, and on and on.

I got some great advice from a divorced friend of mine. She said, "You are grieving. You have to recognize it for what it is -- it's like the death of a loved one. She isn't coming back. Don't feel bad because you feel bad. And don't make yourself feel worse chewing over the woulda-coulda-shoulda things. Give it time. And don't jump into another serious relationship right away!"

She was right. It took a while, but I began to see the old relationship for what it was -- not very healthy.

I eventually straightened out. I have now been happily married for a long time, to a wonderful girl who loves me for who I am, instead of wishing I was somebody else.

Take care of yourself. You are now one step closer to being with the right person.

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@cmodling

No Commitment=No Chance
You have to have a commitment to keep you there and to get you through these “dry spells” when you’re really vulnerable to doing something stupid and the grass looks greener on the other side. You get there and find out it’s just spray paint. So on to the next one and you wind up with a life that could have been a lot better if you’d played by the rules. A woman is looked down on and a man just forgives himself and saves the Lord the trouble.

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How true.

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@scottrl

I had a breakup after a very long-term relationship, nearly ten years.

It hit me very hard. I felt terrible, that it was my fault, that I should have done X, Y, or Z, and on and on.

I got some great advice from a divorced friend of mine. She said, "You are grieving. You have to recognize it for what it is -- it's like the death of a loved one. She isn't coming back. Don't feel bad because you feel bad. And don't make yourself feel worse chewing over the woulda-coulda-shoulda things. Give it time. And don't jump into another serious relationship right away!"

She was right. It took a while, but I began to see the old relationship for what it was -- not very healthy.

I eventually straightened out. I have now been happily married for a long time, to a wonderful girl who loves me for who I am, instead of wishing I was somebody else.

Take care of yourself. You are now one step closer to being with the right person.

Jump to this post

I think - and hope - you are right!

I overlooked the big red alcoholic flag and thought I could make it work anyway, but learned otherwise the hard way.

How wonderful to be loved for you, yourself. I hope I can say that someday.

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@surfergirl10

I think - and hope - you are right!

I overlooked the big red alcoholic flag and thought I could make it work anyway, but learned otherwise the hard way.

How wonderful to be loved for you, yourself. I hope I can say that someday.

Jump to this post

You will. Just keep in mind that you have to love yourself. That, in turn, means you have to believe you're worthy of love. Of course you are!

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@surfergirl10

I think - and hope - you are right!

I overlooked the big red alcoholic flag and thought I could make it work anyway, but learned otherwise the hard way.

How wonderful to be loved for you, yourself. I hope I can say that someday.

Jump to this post

Hi Anne,
I don't have anything profound to offer, but I have had a broken heart.

In the short term, just to deal with the immediate loss, try saying the truth to yourself:

"He is a total [ fill in your favorite, really bad word ], and I am SO much better off without him! And that's the truth, even though it hurts now." Or some such short, truthful phrase.

You know that's the truth. Keep repeating it to yourself-- especially when you feel sad and lonely and miss him-- until you believe it and remember it all the time. Then you will feel relief that he's gone and be glad about it.

Good luck to you! Time does help... Keep us posted 🙂

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Dear Anne ~
Sounds like you have no choice but to "move on". BUT ~ that doesn't mean that you can't grieve over such a loss. This isn't just a matter of having a broken heart, or having to go through a "dry spell". This was 21 years of your life! You can't possibly expect to just get angry and "get over it". You WILL get through this. Three years after losing my husband of 30 years, I am STILL grieving, and I still miss him. You will feel the pain of this loss, but we do survive.

You say there was no warning.... I'm not trying to be cruel, but my guess (and it's only a guess) is that you actually saw those red flags, but were in denial about it. You had invested so much, you couldn't possibly imagine a life without him ~ so you settled for what you thought was the best you could have. After 21 years, it's so much easier to tolerate what's comfortable and familiar, instead of going towards the unknown.

I'm also guessing that you're driving yourself crazy, trying to figure out what YOU did wrong? YOU did nothing wrong, aside from accepting his bad behavior. Shame on HIM for not having the courage or compassion for not even talking to you! PLEASE don't even consider getting into another relationship for a long time. Learn how to enjoy your own company and friends/ family you can trust. You deserve it! I also suggest a good support group for yourself. There are people out there, and here who do care! Best to you, Anne.

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