Long-term depression

Posted by seeker70 @seeker70, Oct 11, 2017

I have been depressed, when I think about it, since I was a kid (I”m a senior now!) I have been treated off and on with meds and minimal talk therapy, but nothing changes. In the past it has been underlying but as I grow older it is becoming more intense. People ask: ‘why are you depressed? I never get depressed, just get a better attitude’. Or they don’t hear my (probably passive-aggressive) cries for help. Or they say: ‘what do you have to be depressed about?’ Actually although I agree with these opinions to a certain extent, it does not address the problem that depression is not a ‘why’, not is it a ‘choice’. It’s almost like being gay, you just are. Maybe I should just accept it (guess that’s what I have done for decades 🙂 But I don’t want to. I want to feel better now. Earlier in my life I was able to enjoy things, although the depression would keep popping out. But now I seem to have trouble enjoying anything, including my own family, and it’s harder and harder to ‘push depression down’ once it’s popped. So I have longer periods of depression and sadness and sleeplessness and lonliness, an shorter periods of being able to enjoy my life. Or want something. Or look forward to anything. I will say too that I have as much to be happy about as I do to be unhappy – but as I said, it’s not a ‘why’. I’m looking for people to explore this idea, and to help each other begin to overcome. Or maybe it’s just me and there’s no one else who feels this way — 😉 Thank you for reading all this.

I have a millstone around my ankle and at times my neck. I will try some positive input as soon as I can. For now back to my little world of creativity-sort of. Yup, in blah mode. It is not an instant process and I will continue with this process the best I can at the moment.

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

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Hello @kdo0827

I just read Jim’s, @jimhd, response to you and feel that he is offering you some good examples of small steps you can take to get out of the house. Even if just to walk outdoors for 3 minutes and take a look around you and allow yourself some deep breaths of fresh air. Often @parus has mentioned going to a store and just seeing people smile will help her.

Change can occur with a “small-step” approach. What small step can you take today?

Teresa

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@mrmaid11

I have written before regRding my dealing with long term depression. I was doing pretty well but have begun feeling like i’m Slipping back. I have cut all ties with people I knew and spend my time with my daughter who has some special needs. I have been widowed for 12 years after 52 years of a somewhat tumultuous marriage. I think about the many things I did wrong and so badly wish I could have been a nicer person. I was raised in the Midwest in a home where my parents fi ghting was the standard that was there every day. Other terrible things happened and so many I blame myself for. I was a child but I could have behaved better instead of ad ding to be he the e siting problems. I ruminate on my past. And see that I wasted my whole life. I have become a useless being who adds nothing to this world. I’m just here. Am going to go back into therapy hoping that might give me some relief. I’m onmeds and have managed to stay out of the hospital for the depression the past two years. I have had two bouts of cancer during the past 5 years and hold my breadth each time I go or Che Kip’s. I think…. not will it comeback. But just when. I’m sorry for sounding so negative but I can’t seem to hold on to any positive thoughts. I need some people to talk to.

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Hello @mrmaid11

I just read Jim’s @jimhd post and noticed that he said some important things about guilt. Did you know that a symptom of depression is guilt? Perhaps today you and think a bit about lightening your load as he suggested (removing one rock at a time) and see how you feel.

The guilt of childhood behavior is a common one. Children tend to take blame for family problems. This blame does not belong to children. It is an adult problem – not a child’s problem.

Keep posting, we are here to listen and encourage you.

Teresa

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

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Hope you do make it home safe and sound! It seems lots of people tell me to get out of the house. I understand it may be helpful but forcing myself to do it is very hard. I did get out to Walmart this week and I’m taking my mom to run errands today. I’ll try to notice if it makes a difference. I also volunteer at Hospice, go to church, keep the nursery twice a month and I feed the homeless once a month. I’m not on any medication for my depression. I’m now encouraged to have found this group. Thank you for caring!!

REPLY
@mrmaid11

I have written before regRding my dealing with long term depression. I was doing pretty well but have begun feeling like i’m Slipping back. I have cut all ties with people I knew and spend my time with my daughter who has some special needs. I have been widowed for 12 years after 52 years of a somewhat tumultuous marriage. I think about the many things I did wrong and so badly wish I could have been a nicer person. I was raised in the Midwest in a home where my parents fi ghting was the standard that was there every day. Other terrible things happened and so many I blame myself for. I was a child but I could have behaved better instead of ad ding to be he the e siting problems. I ruminate on my past. And see that I wasted my whole life. I have become a useless being who adds nothing to this world. I’m just here. Am going to go back into therapy hoping that might give me some relief. I’m onmeds and have managed to stay out of the hospital for the depression the past two years. I have had two bouts of cancer during the past 5 years and hold my breadth each time I go or Che Kip’s. I think…. not will it comeback. But just when. I’m sorry for sounding so negative but I can’t seem to hold on to any positive thoughts. I need some people to talk to.

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Thank you for your reply. Intellectually I know the guilt shouldn’t belong to me but my emotions say differently. The two can’t seem to hear each other. I clearly understand that I was not responsible for the crime my father committed but I want it to go away so bad that it seems easier to take the responsibility for that and the following chaos.

REPLY
@mrmaid11

I have written before regRding my dealing with long term depression. I was doing pretty well but have begun feeling like i’m Slipping back. I have cut all ties with people I knew and spend my time with my daughter who has some special needs. I have been widowed for 12 years after 52 years of a somewhat tumultuous marriage. I think about the many things I did wrong and so badly wish I could have been a nicer person. I was raised in the Midwest in a home where my parents fi ghting was the standard that was there every day. Other terrible things happened and so many I blame myself for. I was a child but I could have behaved better instead of ad ding to be he the e siting problems. I ruminate on my past. And see that I wasted my whole life. I have become a useless being who adds nothing to this world. I’m just here. Am going to go back into therapy hoping that might give me some relief. I’m onmeds and have managed to stay out of the hospital for the depression the past two years. I have had two bouts of cancer during the past 5 years and hold my breadth each time I go or Che Kip’s. I think…. not will it comeback. But just when. I’m sorry for sounding so negative but I can’t seem to hold on to any positive thoughts. I need some people to talk to.

Jump to this post

@mrmaid11

You have a lot of insight and I appreciate that. Have you worked through this false-guilt with a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea.

In the meantime, try writing affirmations to that little child who took the responsibility for father’s wrong behavior. Give compassion to what that child endured and see if it might help.

Will you give that a try?

Teresa

REPLY

Dear Depressed Friends,
Depression is a disease that takes away most of our will to do anything. I, also, find it so easy to just sit in my recliner and watch TV and try not to think.
I’m so fortunate to live in a county that provides a program “Senior Renewal” that uses Cognitive Behavior Therapy that helps us learn to interact with others within the program and develops the same skills to use outside of the group and interact with others. I’ve always thought of myself as a extrovert, but my therapist has told me that I’m an introvert. After much thought, I finally agree with her. My introvert personality causes me to feel really deeply, I feel other peoples pain and I get depressed because I want to help them, but I know that isn’t my talent. I’ve recently gone thru several months of depression due to the death of my father several years ago. I was sad and depressed to the point that I didn’t realize that I was sad and depressed. One day, I realized that I was angry with my father for dying and leaving me without him as a friend. I know that anger is part of the grieving process as well as depression. Denial is a strong method of not looking at reality. Once I realized that I was sad and depressed, I was in a position to get past this and became living again. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel of sharing
charlie75

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@parus

I have a millstone around my ankle and at times my neck. I will try some positive input as soon as I can. For now back to my little world of creativity-sort of. Yup, in blah mode. It is not an instant process and I will continue with this process the best I can at the moment.

Jump to this post

@parus — if you have any art you’d like to share as a result of your time in creative mode, we’d always love to see it. I believe our community finds it uplifting. No pressure, however, to do so. 🙂

REPLY
@charlie75

Dear Depressed Friends,
Depression is a disease that takes away most of our will to do anything. I, also, find it so easy to just sit in my recliner and watch TV and try not to think.
I’m so fortunate to live in a county that provides a program “Senior Renewal” that uses Cognitive Behavior Therapy that helps us learn to interact with others within the program and develops the same skills to use outside of the group and interact with others. I’ve always thought of myself as a extrovert, but my therapist has told me that I’m an introvert. After much thought, I finally agree with her. My introvert personality causes me to feel really deeply, I feel other peoples pain and I get depressed because I want to help them, but I know that isn’t my talent. I’ve recently gone thru several months of depression due to the death of my father several years ago. I was sad and depressed to the point that I didn’t realize that I was sad and depressed. One day, I realized that I was angry with my father for dying and leaving me without him as a friend. I know that anger is part of the grieving process as well as depression. Denial is a strong method of not looking at reality. Once I realized that I was sad and depressed, I was in a position to get past this and became living again. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel of sharing
charlie75

Jump to this post

@charlie75 I appreciate your sharing your insight into your depression. You are right when you say that anger is part of the grieving process. Sometimes we forget that.

Teresa

REPLY
@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

Jump to this post

@kdo0827

I’m pleased to hear that you have so many activities that you are involved in, that is great.

Teresa

REPLY
@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

Jump to this post

I wish I knew! I did go out today for a good little bit. I feel a bit better, my chest doesn’t feel so heavy. I hate having to get dressed and I just like snuggling up in my chair. I really appreciate those who have reached out to me. I think this group may be what I need.

REPLY
@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

Jump to this post

Hi, I just found the Mayo Clinic connect. I was hoping to be able to go to the Mayo clinic fo get a diagnosis but just found out yesterday my insurance won’t pay for anything out of my home state. I’m incredibly frustrated with my health problems which are to blame for my depression, anxiety, irritability and anger. Those emotional symptoms are turned on and off each week or so by my environmental – air allergies. This has been going on for 5 years in a severe form. I’ve moved twice – once out of state and once to the other side of my state, to escape mold allergy. Unfortunately, I have many other allergies – dust is the one that is my new big problem. I developed asthma last month from the dust, but it’s minimally active. Just got on insurance – haven’t worked since September. This week went to 2 new doctors in my new city – which is a small city. The allergist said there’s not much he can do. I left Texas a year and 7 months ago, and when I was there I got allergy skin testing done and took allergy shots for 2 x a week for 7 months, and the shots didn’t help, just made me sick. I went to a new primary care doc yesterday and they are doing more bloodwork than the allergist did. The allergist’s tests came back normal for kidney, liver, and inflammation. The Prim. care doc is doing a whole bunch of other tests for inflammation. I feel sure my brain is under attack because of my chronic fatigue, chronic memory and ADD-like symptoms, and chronic emotional ups and downs. I’m supposed to see a psychiatrist and am waiting for that office to call me and set up an appointment. I am taking Lexapro and the new doc gave me a baby dose of Abilify to try and help with my mood. Some days I don’t need help with my mood, but the allergies will kick in and then I’ll be really depressed and feel like impending doom is coming and that I might not be able to live like this much longer. I am 55 and have a daughter in TX that is on meth and heroine and just turned 20. She might need me someday if she decides to go into rehab, and she’s my only child. I also have elderly parents who would be devastated if I died, so dying is not an option for me. Besides, when I’m feeling normal (every few days), I am happy to be alive and death is not in the back of my mind at all. Thankfully I got a new puppy a few months ago and she is a great support to me as well. I am home bound and bed bound a lot and really need to find people to talk to. I’m hoping there’s someone else out there that can understand this bizarre situation that I’m in. Thanks for reading my long post, hope you are having a good day so far.

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