Long-term depression

Posted by seeker70 @seeker70, Oct 11, 2017

I have been depressed, when I think about it, since I was a kid (I”m a senior now!) I have been treated off and on with meds and minimal talk therapy, but nothing changes. In the past it has been underlying but as I grow older it is becoming more intense. People ask: ‘why are you depressed? I never get depressed, just get a better attitude’. Or they don’t hear my (probably passive-aggressive) cries for help. Or they say: ‘what do you have to be depressed about?’ Actually although I agree with these opinions to a certain extent, it does not address the problem that depression is not a ‘why’, not is it a ‘choice’. It’s almost like being gay, you just are. Maybe I should just accept it (guess that’s what I have done for decades 🙂 But I don’t want to. I want to feel better now. Earlier in my life I was able to enjoy things, although the depression would keep popping out. But now I seem to have trouble enjoying anything, including my own family, and it’s harder and harder to ‘push depression down’ once it’s popped. So I have longer periods of depression and sadness and sleeplessness and lonliness, an shorter periods of being able to enjoy my life. Or want something. Or look forward to anything. I will say too that I have as much to be happy about as I do to be unhappy – but as I said, it’s not a ‘why’. I’m looking for people to explore this idea, and to help each other begin to overcome. Or maybe it’s just me and there’s no one else who feels this way — 😉 Thank you for reading all this.

@parus

For now the joy is ebbing a way. I tell myself I have much to be thankful for and how much worse things could be. This is true. I saw a blurb on celebrities with mental illnesses. Okay, now it is the in thing. Of course they can get more attention this way too. Attention I do not want. I don't want to be depressed either and surely must be weak if I cannot turn my depression over to God or some other sublime being. Does anyone else ever feel they are being punished for some unknown malady? Okay, cannot enter this line of thinking. Side effects of the thyroid med are beyond uncomfortable. By 3-4 pm things will not be so uncomfortable physically. As a child I would pray that God would send angels to take me home…I was a child then and have put aside childish things. Would that I could escape depression.
Keep trying/wanting to be of some value and feel I have a place or purpose. To think I could have been a depressed actress. Money does not buy happiness. I live within my means and do not have to pay others to keep my life in order.

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@parus

Self value is a tough one for me. I think that it used to be much better, but the dive into the depression hole, and being slandered in the process, gave my self value a big hit. I'm still trying to rebuild 12 years later. It's much easier to see the value in others.

You have surely established value with us here at Connect.

Jim

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@parus

For now the joy is ebbing a way. I tell myself I have much to be thankful for and how much worse things could be. This is true. I saw a blurb on celebrities with mental illnesses. Okay, now it is the in thing. Of course they can get more attention this way too. Attention I do not want. I don't want to be depressed either and surely must be weak if I cannot turn my depression over to God or some other sublime being. Does anyone else ever feel they are being punished for some unknown malady? Okay, cannot enter this line of thinking. Side effects of the thyroid med are beyond uncomfortable. By 3-4 pm things will not be so uncomfortable physically. As a child I would pray that God would send angels to take me home…I was a child then and have put aside childish things. Would that I could escape depression.
Keep trying/wanting to be of some value and feel I have a place or purpose. To think I could have been a depressed actress. Money does not buy happiness. I live within my means and do not have to pay others to keep my life in order.

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@jimhd Your words remind me of words from an old Simon and Garfunkle song-"I've been slandered, I've been libeled, I've heard words I've never heard in the Bible". My self worth has taken many a hit from judgmental people who relish in using the scriptures as weapons. There was depression even among the Old Testament Saints.
Low self esteem is a tough one and I can make that dive down the depression hole as well.
As to the value in others…? The judgmental ones I avoid. We all have value. It is one thing to be humble and another to become a doormat.
All white outside as we had snow last evening. Wonder if that thing about rain on Easter means rain the next 7 Sundays applies to snow??

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@parus

For now the joy is ebbing a way. I tell myself I have much to be thankful for and how much worse things could be. This is true. I saw a blurb on celebrities with mental illnesses. Okay, now it is the in thing. Of course they can get more attention this way too. Attention I do not want. I don't want to be depressed either and surely must be weak if I cannot turn my depression over to God or some other sublime being. Does anyone else ever feel they are being punished for some unknown malady? Okay, cannot enter this line of thinking. Side effects of the thyroid med are beyond uncomfortable. By 3-4 pm things will not be so uncomfortable physically. As a child I would pray that God would send angels to take me home…I was a child then and have put aside childish things. Would that I could escape depression.
Keep trying/wanting to be of some value and feel I have a place or purpose. To think I could have been a depressed actress. Money does not buy happiness. I live within my means and do not have to pay others to keep my life in order.

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@shoregal45 I am hypo. I take Nature-Throid as I am allergic to the synthetic Synthroid as well as the generic. I have been told to keep taking it and allow my body to adapt. Currently doing my best to comply and deal with the discomfort. 10-12 hours after taking it the side effects start to improve and I am thankful. Stay with it and see how it goes. I have had a lot of trouble with medications since I have gotten older. Goes with the territory. I know I have to take it or be in worse shape.

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@parus

For now the joy is ebbing a way. I tell myself I have much to be thankful for and how much worse things could be. This is true. I saw a blurb on celebrities with mental illnesses. Okay, now it is the in thing. Of course they can get more attention this way too. Attention I do not want. I don't want to be depressed either and surely must be weak if I cannot turn my depression over to God or some other sublime being. Does anyone else ever feel they are being punished for some unknown malady? Okay, cannot enter this line of thinking. Side effects of the thyroid med are beyond uncomfortable. By 3-4 pm things will not be so uncomfortable physically. As a child I would pray that God would send angels to take me home…I was a child then and have put aside childish things. Would that I could escape depression.
Keep trying/wanting to be of some value and feel I have a place or purpose. To think I could have been a depressed actress. Money does not buy happiness. I live within my means and do not have to pay others to keep my life in order.

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So sorry you have to deal with side effects. I've been on Synthroid for over 20 years. The thyroid is tricky – it's a balancing act with the numbers. I had palpitations for a long while and when my dosage was lowered the palps stopped. We have to be our own advocates. Good luck to you.

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This depression thing is forever lurking. No answers, just deep and dark depression.

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I feel the same way you do, always have. Feel I was also “born this way.” Exercise does help. Cannot always feel an immediate serotonin boost.

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Hello i totally agree with you. I have same symptoms. Also nothing that i get interested lasts long. I get a feeling of" cant be asked" . When watching telly nothing seems to interest me for very long. Anxious all the time. I feel my whole insides shaking. I hate this condition. I am 62 yesrs old and have been suffering for about 20 years. I get alot of peeps saying the same thing. Pull yourself up. Its just laziness. NONE OF THE ABOVE. Please someone find a solution to depression. But some of the symptoms also resemble chronic fatigue. Good luck.

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Hi, @daddylonglegs — I am so sorry you are feeling anxious all the time and your insides seem to shake. Feeling like this for about 20 years is a long time.

I'm so sorry that people have told you anything about being lazy and to just pull yourself up. You are right on — this is a real illness. I'm thinking that @parus, @amberpep @jimhd and @seeker70 would have some thoughts about what people have said to you.

Sounds like you have depression and anxiety? Are you taking any medication for either condition?

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Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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@daddylonglegs

Hello i totally agree with you. I have same symptoms. Also nothing that i get interested lasts long. I get a feeling of" cant be asked" . When watching telly nothing seems to interest me for very long. Anxious all the time. I feel my whole insides shaking. I hate this condition. I am 62 yesrs old and have been suffering for about 20 years. I get alot of peeps saying the same thing. Pull yourself up. Its just laziness. NONE OF THE ABOVE. Please someone find a solution to depression. But some of the symptoms also resemble chronic fatigue. Good luck.

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Hello @daddylonglegs

I am sorry to hear of your symptoms. It sounds like they must limit your activities and your life. Have you ever been seen by a neurologist? While I'm not a medical professional, I have heard of these symptoms before in relation to neurological diagnoses. Over the past 20 years have you had other symptoms like balance problems, double vision, etc.?

Some of your symptoms, especially the one about nothing holding your interest for very long, can be related to an ADHD diagnosis or another neurological condition. I have found that many folks with Parkinson's have what is called "internal tremors." The PD disorder makes you feel "shaky" on the inside.

A good neurologist might be able to help you sort this out. I have known many people who have been treated for anxiety to later find out that it was a neurological problem. While your problem might be anxiety, it might be helpful to look at other possibilities.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Teresa

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McLean Hospital and Harvard Medical School researchers believe they have uncovered a method that could be useful in predicting a depressed patient's treatment prognosis, prior to starting treatment.

Read more https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180411111103.htm

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This depression I carry will always be my companion whether I want it or not. It never goes away and now all I want to do is go away-far, far away. There is no "away".

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