Just cannot shake this depression

Would you be able to look at a Partial Hospitalization Program? This is a daytime program where you go in, spend about 5 hours or so, then go back home. Insurance should pay for it.

There is no denying that you’re having a hard time of it, and if you do start having suicidal thoughts, perhaps checking into a hospital for inpatient services would work well for you. At least get you through the holidays.

wisco50, sometimes we just need to lay low, but it does sound like you are kind of stuck. I haven't tried laughing gas but https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0278584623001550 think it might be worth a try. Some things about life are just inescapably sad. I'm sorry for all the things weighing you down. I know I'd be lying about being sick and not wanting to give anyone else a really bad cold I don't think it always helps to be around all this boisterous holiday cheer. But you never know when something of someone might give a glimmer of happiness.
I have had a stellate ganglion block (you might consider). It's expected to reset the sympathetic nervous system. All I felt. even recognizing the struggles ahead, was that I could handle everything. It was such a light pleasant sensation that persisted.
Bless your spirit.

@gently
Thank you v much - yes, boyh as a patient and former nurse I just read that article with interest!
I’m going to talk c my MD after holidays are over.
The other thing I forgot to mention that I know plays a part is years back (2000-2009) I dealt with a physical issue I had on and off since late HS from an accident. Long odd story - but as it reared its head in 2000 and wouldn’t abate I began seeking help/an answer. The pain just kept increasing and long story short it became one of those issues where I couldn’t find a medical person to believe I truly was in severe pain as it kept increasing and I also had to fight with my insurance company also. 😳 I FINALLY found the right professional, once the (v pricey) surgery was finally approved and I had a day long surgery I rapidly improved. During that time however it was one of those “Pat the crazy lady on the head.” situations 🙄😡😡 it was pretty traumatic and I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD from it all. Argh. I was severely depressed those years and think it kind of surfaces now and then.

Wisco50,
I'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Yet, I can understand why with the losses of your pets, friend and your little grandchild being so sick. Plus the pain you are living with. That is a lot to deal with. I would suggest reading all the side effects of the medicines that you are taking to see if perhaps they could be causing some of your depression. If you find out that some of them may be causing your depression talk to your doctor before you stop taking them. Sometimes if we stop a medication too soon our body will react negatively and you don't need anymore problems.

Take your problems and feelings to God. Ask him to help you get through all of this and he will. My husband recently died in 2024. We were married for 30 years. I was all alone and missed my husband so terribly! I turned to God and prayed and asked for his help. He did help me and today I'm able to cope with my husband's death much better than I was.

As for your depression, try and think about the positive things in your life. For instance I assume that you are not blind. Some people are and it's a blessing that you aren't. Plus it sounds like you have a loving family. You are lucky. Many of us don't have a loving family. I don't. All I had was my husband and a son who hasn't spoken to me in 20 years. However, I have found some very nice people like yourself here on this forum and that helps.

Your friend who died is up in Heaven and one day in God's time you will be reunited as I will also be reunited with my husband in Heaven. Your pets that died also are in Heaven and I know that to be true because I saw my St. Bernard, Max after he died.

Your sweet grandchild who is so ill needs his Grandma's love now. Be strong for him. Pray for him and so will I.

By the way, my house is a mess too. I have started cleaning one thing per day. Today I vacuumed the living room. Tomorrow I will dust it. Eventually, the whole house will be clean!

Have a Merry Christmas with your wonderful family! If you need to talk, I'm here. I wish you the best.
PML

@suzleigh
Thank you for caring and sharing.
I know I would never commit suicide (unless I had some awful disease like ALS and that would be physician assisted type action). I have a strong reason - I was divorced when my children were 5&6. Their father had many issues that became profound and when my kids were young adults he committed suicide. Just seeing how this impacted my children and his siblings and parents made me realize I could never do that to them.
As to the day suggestion, I have 2 dogs and one is a rescue recently adopted who has had a hard life and so he is my “project” and I wouldn’t want to be gone that long.
Thank you again. Hugs back!

@wisco50 B-12 injections helped me overcome depression.

@wisco50 In addition to your history of depression and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) you identified some major losses and changes in your life. If I had a grandchild with the diagnosis you indicated I believe I'd be in a constant place of anxiety and depression.

Losing two beloved pets in a short period of time is something I've experienced. It's taken me quite some time to considering adopting again after such loss. I love that you took on a rescue dog that you are committed to as a "project". There were many times I did not feel I could take on the day but my dogs expected me to keep up their routine. So, of course, I did.

Do you see a mental health therapist? Here is the thing I like about mental health therapy. When I find someone I connect with - and this can take some trials with different therapists - I feel safe, heard and not judged.

Who do you talk with about your mood, anxiety, and your losses?

Hello…my depression started in 2020, when I lost 11 people in my life, including my father. I live alone, not married nor have kids. Friends and family never asked how I was feeling, except I should move in with my mother who has been depressed since childhood, or 60 yrs. I refused to listen and became estranged from everyone. I tried grief counseling in 2021 but it did not help. One day, I decided to walk away from everything, and posted my struggles in a company forum. Received a response from a coworker to not quit. This person and I talked daily there after for 30 days or until I felt better and did not quit.

Fast forward 2023, when I was diagnosed with male breast cancer. I was even more alone and had to figure out how to survive. My mom blamed weight and god for the cancer. Others assumed I would die. Work gave me purpose, and strength to get thru chemo.
In May 2025, I was interviewed to share my journey, how I managed emotions, self-care and processed.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cancer-caregiver/id1504166813
Bottom line is, I found strength and channeled my father, who grew up handicapped and took care of himself, until he passed at 80. He did not let emotions overpower him, or what other people say. Nor did he believe in therapy. I struggle with cancer treatment medication, my Mayo oncology team is awesome, and have a therapist.
Emotions are powerful, it will take much time and support from your tribe and eventually you will be able to control it, vs it controlling you.

1 best way to feel better, get out of your home, go sit in a park, feel the breeze, energy and be present. I do not have any pets but when I visit friends, pets know I need them. 🙂

Hi;
I don’t know if you’re able to exercise at all with your neck problem, but I find that to be an amazing “drug”.
I too have anxiety/depression, and sometimes I’ve had to force myself to go to the gym, but afterwards I feel like a different person and can’t imagine feeling depressed. Yes, it wears off but I keep going back, which is reinforcing. I know I’ll feel better, at least for awhile.

I just read your post, and it touched me deeply. I can only respond that I am thinking about you, and wishing you well. For me, just knowing that I am not alone, and that someone cares, is helpful.