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mvestuto
@mvestuto

Posts: 15
Joined: Aug 30, 2016

Impotency Problems

Posted by @mvestuto, Oct 10, 2016

I am a 53 year old woman married to a 66 year old man, who has completely lost all interest in sex. He says he has no desire, doesn’t even think about sex. We have had his testosterone checked. It’s normal. He has tried Viagara, but stopped, as it gives him bad headaches. We saw a Urologist, who determined that his problem is 100 percent psychological, due to the fact that he has occasionally woken up, with a morning erection. He just started on medication for anxiety problems; Zoloft, in hopes that it will help his anxiety, that might be giving him performance problems. This has been difficult for me. I’m an attractive, thin woman, who works out five days a week. Does anyone have any experience with this issue? Ideas? Insight?

REPLY

Am 76 have a desire but can’t get it up without help you have to help even if it means going down on you

Hello mvestuto, thank you for sharing your concerns regarding this topic as that must not have been easy. I understand this may be a difficult time for you as well.

I would like you to meet @mlemieux who has experienced similar symptoms as your husband with sex drive that may be related to taking medication for stress or anxiety. He may be able to offer some insight as to what your husband may be going through with his lack of a sex drive unrelated to testosterone levels.

Mvestuto, how have you discussed this subject with your husband? Have you been open about how you are feeling and how difficult it has been for you? What does your husband say when you discuss how this situation is making you feel?

My husband has been embarrassed and anxious about it. That’s why he was just started on Zoloft, to maybe remove some of his performance anxiety, which actually doesn’t help. He does not talk about it because he says he feels bad. We have acknowledged how it makes both of us feel.

My husband has a very difficult time attaining and maintaining an erection. I am 56 and he is 63. We are both in good shape and attractive. He takes a pill occasionally, but I don’t like him taking them too much because I worry he’ll have a heart attack or something! I found that not focusing on an erection helps. We take things much slower, sometimes getting in the bath or shower together and just having that skin to skin contact. I am going to be extremely blunt here, so I hope I do not offend anyone. We use “toys” on occasion, also. This takes the pressure off of him. I also find that if I give him oral sex (can be lots of work), he can eventually get an erection, and we can subsequently have intercourse. And at times I just masturbate and let him help or he will give me oral sex. I know it isn’t easy, but you have to try to really hide your frustration and disappointment. It only makes it worse. The more fixated they are on an erection, the more difficult it can be to achieve. Usually their disinterest is shame. They do not want to start something they think they can’t finish. If you give him alternatives, your sex life may improve. Just experiment with the idea of simply enjoying each other’s bodies without focus on the erection. Let him know he is still a man even if he isn’t able to get an erection – he can still satisfy you in many other ways. A lot of this is the ol’ male ego. Too much pressure from you to “perform” will just make him more anxious. Start with being romantic and just cuddling. Get reconnected with no pressure. Then slowly introduce toys or whatever else you may feel comfortable with – act excited about him pleasuring you without the pressure of an erection. You may have the big “O” more than him, but that’s okay. I understand you want to feel desirable. Do you think he isn’t aware of how attractive you are and that other men may be interested in you? That can really hit his ego. He feels like he can’t compete and, thus, withdraws.. Anyway, this has been my experience. I hope I have been of some help. You probably aren’t going to have sex every day again, but even once a week is better than never!

Liked by spott

@blindeyepug

My husband has a very difficult time attaining and maintaining an erection. I am 56 and he is 63. We are both in good shape and attractive. He takes a pill occasionally, but I don’t like him taking them too much because I worry he’ll have a heart attack or something! I found that not focusing on an erection helps. We take things much slower, sometimes getting in the bath or shower together and just having that skin to skin contact. I am going to be extremely blunt here, so I hope I do not offend anyone. We use “toys” on occasion, also. This takes the pressure off of him. I also find that if I give him oral sex (can be lots of work), he can eventually get an erection, and we can subsequently have intercourse. And at times I just masturbate and let him help or he will give me oral sex. I know it isn’t easy, but you have to try to really hide your frustration and disappointment. It only makes it worse. The more fixated they are on an erection, the more difficult it can be to achieve. Usually their disinterest is shame. They do not want to start something they think they can’t finish. If you give him alternatives, your sex life may improve. Just experiment with the idea of simply enjoying each other’s bodies without focus on the erection. Let him know he is still a man even if he isn’t able to get an erection – he can still satisfy you in many other ways. A lot of this is the ol’ male ego. Too much pressure from you to “perform” will just make him more anxious. Start with being romantic and just cuddling. Get reconnected with no pressure. Then slowly introduce toys or whatever else you may feel comfortable with – act excited about him pleasuring you without the pressure of an erection. You may have the big “O” more than him, but that’s okay. I understand you want to feel desirable. Do you think he isn’t aware of how attractive you are and that other men may be interested in you? That can really hit his ego. He feels like he can’t compete and, thus, withdraws.. Anyway, this has been my experience. I hope I have been of some help. You probably aren’t going to have sex every day again, but even once a week is better than never!

Jump to this post

Thanks for sharing. The problem is that nothing is happening at all. I wish it were that simple. We’re not doing anything sexually.

Hmmmm. Okay. Perhaps start off nonsexual? Sometimes we need to feel close and connected before we can be intimate. Perhaps he feels so much pressure (most likely from himself – as all men seem to do), that he is afraid to be involved at any sexual level. Is there something y’all enjoy doing together? Can you think of ways to connect that are nonsexual? Have you bluntly asked him what turns him on and what turns him off? Was your sex life satisfying for you and for him prior to this moment in your life? Have you thought of seeing a sexual therapist? Even if you have to go alone, it may help. In fact, you may not want to tell him you’re going at first simply because it brings the issue front and center. Perhaps after some advice from a professional (and I mean a licensed sexual therapist), you can gain some insight of what may be helpful? I would try really hard not to show my resentment and frustration (easier said then done, I know). Try to have some laughs together. Do something new together – ever been sky diving? Perhaps you’re not that adventurous, but salsa dance lessons or cooking together. Anything new and different that could connect you and cause a little spark? I will be praying for you. I understand it is difficult. I know I felt is was my fault, that I wasn’t attractive enough (I used to model and am still in good shape), that I was doing something wrong, or that he was having an affair. None of that turned out to be the problem. Perhaps there is even an issue in your marriage unrelated to sex that he is resentful of and hasn’t spoken about? Again, I will be praying for you. Hope you can find and are able to go to a good therapist!

@blindeyepug

Hmmmm. Okay. Perhaps start off nonsexual? Sometimes we need to feel close and connected before we can be intimate. Perhaps he feels so much pressure (most likely from himself – as all men seem to do), that he is afraid to be involved at any sexual level. Is there something y’all enjoy doing together? Can you think of ways to connect that are nonsexual? Have you bluntly asked him what turns him on and what turns him off? Was your sex life satisfying for you and for him prior to this moment in your life? Have you thought of seeing a sexual therapist? Even if you have to go alone, it may help. In fact, you may not want to tell him you’re going at first simply because it brings the issue front and center. Perhaps after some advice from a professional (and I mean a licensed sexual therapist), you can gain some insight of what may be helpful? I would try really hard not to show my resentment and frustration (easier said then done, I know). Try to have some laughs together. Do something new together – ever been sky diving? Perhaps you’re not that adventurous, but salsa dance lessons or cooking together. Anything new and different that could connect you and cause a little spark? I will be praying for you. I understand it is difficult. I know I felt is was my fault, that I wasn’t attractive enough (I used to model and am still in good shape), that I was doing something wrong, or that he was having an affair. None of that turned out to be the problem. Perhaps there is even an issue in your marriage unrelated to sex that he is resentful of and hasn’t spoken about? Again, I will be praying for you. Hope you can find and are able to go to a good therapist!

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Thanks so much for all your thoughts and suggestions and prayers. That means so much. Our sex life was average but as he aged, he would experience anxiety about it, till finally, it became easier not to try. We do things together, such as dining out, vacationing, having coffee together, church activites. Doing those things, actually makes me more sad, knowing that nothing more, will happen. I’m hoping the Zoloft will help him to relax.

Liked by spott

@blindeyepug

Hmmmm. Okay. Perhaps start off nonsexual? Sometimes we need to feel close and connected before we can be intimate. Perhaps he feels so much pressure (most likely from himself – as all men seem to do), that he is afraid to be involved at any sexual level. Is there something y’all enjoy doing together? Can you think of ways to connect that are nonsexual? Have you bluntly asked him what turns him on and what turns him off? Was your sex life satisfying for you and for him prior to this moment in your life? Have you thought of seeing a sexual therapist? Even if you have to go alone, it may help. In fact, you may not want to tell him you’re going at first simply because it brings the issue front and center. Perhaps after some advice from a professional (and I mean a licensed sexual therapist), you can gain some insight of what may be helpful? I would try really hard not to show my resentment and frustration (easier said then done, I know). Try to have some laughs together. Do something new together – ever been sky diving? Perhaps you’re not that adventurous, but salsa dance lessons or cooking together. Anything new and different that could connect you and cause a little spark? I will be praying for you. I understand it is difficult. I know I felt is was my fault, that I wasn’t attractive enough (I used to model and am still in good shape), that I was doing something wrong, or that he was having an affair. None of that turned out to be the problem. Perhaps there is even an issue in your marriage unrelated to sex that he is resentful of and hasn’t spoken about? Again, I will be praying for you. Hope you can find and are able to go to a good therapist!

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I can totally relate to your dilemma, My husband and myself connect in every way day except sexual! At the end of the day we are mere “Roommates”, when I have in the past brought my needs and desires to him it resonates for maybe one day then it back to the same ole pattern!. My prayers and thoughts are with you as I hope you will also pray for my marriage as well!

Liked by spott

@blindeyepug

Hmmmm. Okay. Perhaps start off nonsexual? Sometimes we need to feel close and connected before we can be intimate. Perhaps he feels so much pressure (most likely from himself – as all men seem to do), that he is afraid to be involved at any sexual level. Is there something y’all enjoy doing together? Can you think of ways to connect that are nonsexual? Have you bluntly asked him what turns him on and what turns him off? Was your sex life satisfying for you and for him prior to this moment in your life? Have you thought of seeing a sexual therapist? Even if you have to go alone, it may help. In fact, you may not want to tell him you’re going at first simply because it brings the issue front and center. Perhaps after some advice from a professional (and I mean a licensed sexual therapist), you can gain some insight of what may be helpful? I would try really hard not to show my resentment and frustration (easier said then done, I know). Try to have some laughs together. Do something new together – ever been sky diving? Perhaps you’re not that adventurous, but salsa dance lessons or cooking together. Anything new and different that could connect you and cause a little spark? I will be praying for you. I understand it is difficult. I know I felt is was my fault, that I wasn’t attractive enough (I used to model and am still in good shape), that I was doing something wrong, or that he was having an affair. None of that turned out to be the problem. Perhaps there is even an issue in your marriage unrelated to sex that he is resentful of and hasn’t spoken about? Again, I will be praying for you. Hope you can find and are able to go to a good therapist!

Jump to this post

Thank you for sharing your story. I will certainly pray for you. Thanks for your prayers. May I ask how old you and your husband are and how long this has gone on for you? Thanks.

@blindeyepug

Hmmmm. Okay. Perhaps start off nonsexual? Sometimes we need to feel close and connected before we can be intimate. Perhaps he feels so much pressure (most likely from himself – as all men seem to do), that he is afraid to be involved at any sexual level. Is there something y’all enjoy doing together? Can you think of ways to connect that are nonsexual? Have you bluntly asked him what turns him on and what turns him off? Was your sex life satisfying for you and for him prior to this moment in your life? Have you thought of seeing a sexual therapist? Even if you have to go alone, it may help. In fact, you may not want to tell him you’re going at first simply because it brings the issue front and center. Perhaps after some advice from a professional (and I mean a licensed sexual therapist), you can gain some insight of what may be helpful? I would try really hard not to show my resentment and frustration (easier said then done, I know). Try to have some laughs together. Do something new together – ever been sky diving? Perhaps you’re not that adventurous, but salsa dance lessons or cooking together. Anything new and different that could connect you and cause a little spark? I will be praying for you. I understand it is difficult. I know I felt is was my fault, that I wasn’t attractive enough (I used to model and am still in good shape), that I was doing something wrong, or that he was having an affair. None of that turned out to be the problem. Perhaps there is even an issue in your marriage unrelated to sex that he is resentful of and hasn’t spoken about? Again, I will be praying for you. Hope you can find and are able to go to a good therapist!

Jump to this post

He is 76 I am 61

Intimacy problems can be tough on both partners. It sounds like you’re trying to be proactive about it and care about making things better. Couples or individual counseling can be helpful for talking through intimacy problems. A therapist can be a wonderful resource for helping overcome the frustrations and even self-esteem issues that come up. It’s not for everyone, so just wanted to throw it out there alongside medical interventions and trying to make things better through communication on your own.

Liked by blindeyepug

@caretothepeople

Intimacy problems can be tough on both partners. It sounds like you’re trying to be proactive about it and care about making things better. Couples or individual counseling can be helpful for talking through intimacy problems. A therapist can be a wonderful resource for helping overcome the frustrations and even self-esteem issues that come up. It’s not for everyone, so just wanted to throw it out there alongside medical interventions and trying to make things better through communication on your own.

Jump to this post

Thanks. Really appreciate everyone’s helpful responses.

@blindeyepug

My husband has a very difficult time attaining and maintaining an erection. I am 56 and he is 63. We are both in good shape and attractive. He takes a pill occasionally, but I don’t like him taking them too much because I worry he’ll have a heart attack or something! I found that not focusing on an erection helps. We take things much slower, sometimes getting in the bath or shower together and just having that skin to skin contact. I am going to be extremely blunt here, so I hope I do not offend anyone. We use “toys” on occasion, also. This takes the pressure off of him. I also find that if I give him oral sex (can be lots of work), he can eventually get an erection, and we can subsequently have intercourse. And at times I just masturbate and let him help or he will give me oral sex. I know it isn’t easy, but you have to try to really hide your frustration and disappointment. It only makes it worse. The more fixated they are on an erection, the more difficult it can be to achieve. Usually their disinterest is shame. They do not want to start something they think they can’t finish. If you give him alternatives, your sex life may improve. Just experiment with the idea of simply enjoying each other’s bodies without focus on the erection. Let him know he is still a man even if he isn’t able to get an erection – he can still satisfy you in many other ways. A lot of this is the ol’ male ego. Too much pressure from you to “perform” will just make him more anxious. Start with being romantic and just cuddling. Get reconnected with no pressure. Then slowly introduce toys or whatever else you may feel comfortable with – act excited about him pleasuring you without the pressure of an erection. You may have the big “O” more than him, but that’s okay. I understand you want to feel desirable. Do you think he isn’t aware of how attractive you are and that other men may be interested in you? That can really hit his ego. He feels like he can’t compete and, thus, withdraws.. Anyway, this has been my experience. I hope I have been of some help. You probably aren’t going to have sex every day again, but even once a week is better than never!

Jump to this post

Thank you for your bluntness. We as a couple have this “problem”, my hubby has had an AVM+stroke and erections just don’t happen.
He has tried the “little blue pill” but does not wish to take it anymore..

Sad for both of us. Him Age 66 and me/her 63. I had a total hysterectomy so shot the sex drive out the window. He has trouble with erections. Blue pill not real interesting. He says he gets a headache. I am too tight and dry. No one’s at fault both at fault and discussed sex therapist but small town USA makes it hard and not discreet. Both of us know we have hang ups. If I go down on him I feel used and cheapened as he falls asleep and that’s it. Neither of us are movie stars but had passable sex over our 43 years of marriage
We are roommates with different bedtimes.Perhaps that’s what it is and will be but when I think about it it makes me sad.

since there are both men and women with partners unable to function sexually, it would seem that those spouses without sexual partners could be surrogates for one another. America’s puritanical mindset is so entrenched most people would rather spend their remaining years in misery rather than find a cooperative solution. We should all wish our spouses to be fulfilled. We get but one life to live.

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