I See You

Posted by Bill @billjoe, Aug 26 11:20am

I am in a situation with my 95 year old mother as she is currently in a skilled nursing facility and refuses to work with the PT team. Sound familiar to anyone? I'm sure it does. I am the sole caregiver and am also dealing with some pretty serious health issues myself.

They are suggesting to employ the services of Hospice to make her comfortable on her (hopeful) return to assisted living, as she no longer wants to get out of bed very much and anytime the subject comes up, she digs her heels in even more. I have spoken until I'm blue in the face about the importance of her not staying in bed, but it's time to let that go. I don't want our last however long we have left to wind up in resentment and arguments.

I guess the reason for this post is to say I see all of you out there and also belong to the armies across the nation taking care of people they really love but are dealing with basically just a shell of their loved ones' former selves. It's heartbreaking and really takes a toll on us as caregivers.

I wish all of you peace and the strength to not take things to heart and to be able to detach somewhat emotionally without feeling too much guilt.

And believe me, I need to listen to my own advice more than anyone....

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI) & Dementia Support Group.

pierwell | @pierwell | Aug 26 4:47pm

Having just lost my husband to complications of Alzheimer’s, I have advice for frustrated caregivers. Try to store up memories of the brief moments you glimpse your person’s real personality. After a bit, I’m finding those recent memories are outnumbering the bad ones. Your person is still there!

judimahoney | @judimahoney | Aug 26 10:11pm

@billjoe
That emotional detachment is so important, and so challenging.
Thanks

kjc48 | @kjc48 | Aug 27 7:01am

@billjoe "I See You" is so comforting and so powerful this morning. We are not alone. I appreciate your kind post providing comfort to all of us - every caregiver - going through the same thing. I'm sorry about your mom. My own mother ended up on hospice, and that made her more comfortable. I hear you about wanting her to get up and move around, but sometimes, things are just outside of our control. And we turn "that shell of a person" over to a higher being. I know, I was an only child too where my emotions were up and down where I finally had to Let Go, Let God. I think the advice also from @pierwell about cherishing each and every moment and memory from "our person's real personality" is so true. What I'm trying to do every day with my beautiful husband.
Best, Karla

Fred | @fred1 | Aug 27 7:15am

bill, you are correct, in that you need to listen to your own advice, because you are incharge! However, the advice of clinicians who are recommending hospice care may be a bit more insightful in this case. Speak with them, get all of the information as to what they intend to provide, in addition to what the skilled nursing home is currently doing. Weigh the possible benefits, then make the decision. The additional assistance may even relieve you of some of the hardship of caregiving. All the best to you, hope you make a good choice and your mother benefits from it.