Housemate has vascular dementia and is volatile

Posted by ocotillo @ocotillo, Mar 30 6:26pm

I moved into a house and was not told by the family the woman has vascular dementia. I was just told she has some memory issues and is sometimes confused. The family claims they did not know she had gotten as bad as she was as they live in another state. I admit nothing seemed way off until a week after I moved here and she started having volatile verbal meltdowns over nothing. It has been 7 months of hell as she has shown how bad she can get (stealing, hiding things, lying, letting my animals run loose, etc). I am on a wait list for an apartment. I don't know how to keep it together until I can get out of here. It's crushing me.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Apr 12 5:28pm

@ocotillo, I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. It is quite possible that the family, who live far away, didn't know how bad their relative had gotten. Your safety (and the safety of your pets) is important. Have you considered a backup plan, like staying with a friend, until an appartment becomes available?

Has the family responded that they are going to find care for her?

memoriestomoments | @memoriestomoments | Apr 13 1:26am

@ocotillo This sounds terrible. It is also unacceptable that both you and she are being handled with neglect. Continuing to believe their assertion that she was not this way until 7 months ago can be the baseline you use to keep things civil but something needs to change dramatically.

First, let's talk about you. I cannot tell how much you have pressed on the family to do something. It is not something that you should have to live with and if you move out, another person should not be subjected to this. If you have been being "understanding" and supportive, that time should be over. They need to be mad the recipients of constant communication of everything that is happening in that house. They have to feel the same pain that you are feeling. Have you talked to a local legal aid organization? This sounds like it may violate a basic tenant right to safety, security of property, etc. You may be entitled to rent relief at minimum.

Now about the poor lady. She may need medication to be able to live in peace. If they are simply dumping her there and washing their hands of her, then Adult protective Services needs to intervene.

I understand that engaging in these conversations adds to your burdens, when you are probably 130% full-up with just surviving in that situation and trying to find alternative housing asap. I offer them as ways to assert your rights and perhaps to get both you and this lady some near term help.

Wishing you relief soon!

Teri | @tsc | Apr 13 2:20pm

Hi @ocotillo, I agree with @memoriestomoments comments. They are helpful.
Do not hesitate to call 911 if she gets violent or threatens you.
I just had to do that, but it was the best thing to do. The person got medications that calmed him, stopped violent outbursts and was admitted to a secure Memory Care Unit where he is now doing well.