Holidays make it worse
Im pretty bad right now. I havent cut in years, now I find myself grasping for any sort of relief or distraction. The holidays make it worse. My first year without my grandma, she passed earlier this year, she was the last living grandparent. My second holiday without my brother and his family. Ever since I confronted my brother, everything went south. So they moved away all of the sudden. Hes a huge Narcissist-needs control. Also my abuser.
Im having health problems and living with parents. They are crazy in different ways, being judgemental and unreasonable, have me out of my mind at times.
Example, Im tired, we both are, but my mom starts a fight about something, blames me for making it something and i just sat there and said, im not gonna win, it doesnt matter. Then i walked away and she continued being nasty. At this point i have to distance myself, or we could kill eachother.
I already feel like shit emotionally and physically. They have always been poor at communication, im the one whos been working for years, but she cant shut up and listen for once. But i can only do so much. It just hurts, even when they say it shouldnt.
I feel duped every time she goes off on me, it scars me. Trying to build boundaries and grow trust around here feels like pulling teeth without the novocaine.
Oh, and I confronted my parents too. Ya, that went well…
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@januaryjane I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It is hard at holidays for those who have lost loved ones. It seems to be made harder for you due to your living situation. I had a hard time with my father when I was young. Then I realized he had poor self-esteem due to the family situation he grew up in. I stopped trying to have a normal conversation and simply let him get upset and then told him I loved him. It made all the difference in the world. I tried also to try and find something in what he was saying that was positive as a reinforcement for him. Maybe your mom had the same family problems and praising and love may help. I had a counselor who said sometimes when the parents do not know how to do a relationship, it is up to the children to be the parents and show the way. Please let me know how things are going with you. We care and are willing and available to talk.
@januaryjane I am also very sorry for your situation; it sounds like you are stuck. Can you see a Counselor or have you? Maybe you could go to counseling with your parents, if they are willing? Can you move out? I guess I don't know your whole story. Please don't cut. My husband and I said that we would never have a tattoo, which puts a mark on your body. You need to take care of yourself. If you talk to someone yourself, either a counselor, social worker, or other positive programs out there, they may have solutions for your situation. Not sure if you work or if on disability. My daughter is on disability and she doesn't work. She is living in an apartment complex that she pays 30% of her income for rent. This may not be something related to you. I think it is good that she is on this plan, disability, 30% off rent, free or reduced medical, visits from nurses and social workers. She sees a nutritionist, a counselor, and a Psychiatrist. There are many good things for her that she needs. They all keep track of her and let her know when to go to the dentist, doctor, etc. I believe they also make her appointments. I am a state away from her, but I am okay with this. She has a close male friend who keeps a very good eye on her. It seems like you are living in a dysfunctional setting that needs correction. I think your only solutions are to talk to a counselor, social worker, or even go to a church. I can understand how you feel about the holidays. They can be very stressful and there can be a lot expected of you. Life is always changing. Myself and many others have to deal with change over the years. My father-in-law passed away, so I am doing Thanksgiving. My husband's son and family moved, so we won't see them over the holidays. You just have to be creative and try to stay positive for yourself. It is also hard for me. I have to push myself. Holidays are so overdone now. You send cards, get presents, have less money, have a holiday at your house, or go somewhere else. The people you are used to seeing aren't there. Then there are babies/children that make things more happy. My daughter also goes to free holiday meals, when she is unable to come home. Those can be nice and you can meet new people. I hope everything gets better for you and that you can stop feeling bad. I will pray for you. I forgot to add a group called NAMI. It is free and there are a group of people who have similar or different situations. There is a person in charge and everyone takes turns talking. They try to help you with solutions. They have different things you do, like write things down, or get a partner, etc.
Since you touched on topics like loss of a family member, dealing with a brother who you believe is narcissistic and abused you, cutting, and relationship challenges with family, I'm tagging @parus @peach414144 @georgette12 @amberpep, who may be able to identify with some of what you've mentioned and provide support, @januaryjane.
Losing a member of the family or a close friend can bring on a large sense of loss. It takes time, much time to overcome this. Do cry, yell, scream or whatever it takes but when your id knows, then it will slowly, slowly become easier to accept. Take care, Peach. (we understand)
@januaryjane – thinking of you and wondering how you are doing today?
Thanks all. Im doing better. The other day I got to my dr early so I just sat in the car, I pretty much had a meltdown and couldnt stop crying. I called my mom later and said, I just cant bicker, i have nothing right now. Anyway, yes, my family has been very dysfunctional my entire life. I started therapy and meds at 12 when I discovered what my ocd was. I see a good therapist once a week or so. My mom denied ever coming with me to talk until the last few years. She went to an old therapist I didnt really prefer, but I was desperate, didnt go well. Then last year she came to my current therapist and it was mixed reviews. All i wanted was once a month with her. Shes not the kind of person you just point blank ask or talk about feelings. Anyway, not gonna happen.
I think for me, I get triggered a lot and I try to explain it but sometimes i cant get through to my parents.
Ive grown and let a lot go, but with Cptsd, and everything else…I slip back. Im not healthy enough to live on my own right now.
I miss working, and want to go back to school. There are no groups here, which I miss. There are substance abuse groups, I actually tried a aa church group but there wasnt a connection.
Seems like I just keep coming up short handed on my efforts. But im still here.
I really appreciate all of your comments, they help me through.
@januaryjane thank you for getting back to us. You made an attempt at getting a better relationship with your mother and that was a great first step. It was not easy for me to change the ways of relating to others. It took a long time, but you are already on the journey to a better relationship with your mother. Please keep us informed on your progress.
@januaryjane Good to hear that you honestly spoke to your mother the other day. I hope doing that made you feel stronger! Speaking with family members or friends about what triggers you is usually a 50-50 proposition, as we cannot control how they will think and respond/react to what we say. But we try anyways, and know in our heart we did as much as we can from our standpoint. Keeping on your work with your therapist, growing in your resolve and journeying towards better mental health takes a lot of energy. Seeing that you cannot live on your own right now, is there a less-stressful environment where you can live? We're here for you.
This is kind of it for now. A few years ago I moved and lived in my own apt. But my health wasnt getting any better and my depression got bad. I wanted to go back to work but managed a volunteer job for awhile.
@januaryjane Keep moving forward little baby steps are really good. Keep a journal if you'd like to, and you can look back to see the progress. I have found out that "getting it out" onto paper helps me to not keep dwelling on an issue so much. As you keep working on being stronger, you'll find the right-for-you situation.