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Hi, I'm Marian. A lot of things led me to my current

Posted by @missnanforever in Just Want to Talk, Apr 12, 2012

Hi, I'm Marian. A lot of things led me to my current state of deep depression. I have been dedicated to all of the ways I've heard to combat this awful feeling I wake with daily. I tried a couple medications, which were like horror dreams times a million. I couldn't believe the result of following the advice of the Psychiatrist that treated my deceased Daughter during the last year of her life. 3 different anti-depressants, 1 was a 20 hour nightmare the likes of which I have never been in, 2 was I thought I was going to die~I kid you not~I made my husband call into work, and 3 was that I wanted to kill myself, not that that's new, but this was an entirely different level. I have a Certified Wildlife Habitat on my 1/3 acre property. I planted it over the last 12 yrs. since we built the house for retirement. Cottage style house that had dirt, rocks and beautiful boulders. I spent years planting trees, shrubs ~ herbaceous & woody~bulbs galore to cover the ground.I have literally hundreds of plants, no lawn since the property is only flat in front, thousands of bulbs, corms & rhizomes etc. Anyway, I digress. The prescription for home help that I've found says to get dressed, wash, brush, hair, make~up, all that stuff even if I'm staying home. To go outside daily. I've learned to meditate and I practice yoga. All of the things to rise above. I wake up every day wishing I was dead. 3 years now. I have lived here in the desert for 30 years. I want to move to somewhere green. A garden community. Volunteer with kids at school gardens. My husband won't even consider moving. We are lucky to get 1" of rainfall a year. It is either hot & windy or ... biting cold and windy. I can only garden 7 months out of the year. I've been cooking & cleaning since I was 7. I used to love to cook, now I am sick of it. I hate cooking. I hate cleaning up after him. I have a blood and nerve illness that keeps me in constant pain. Not like the old pain I have always been plagued by. I had endometriosis and I have kyphosis. I had to quit work not from the back pain, but because I got a rare ecxema that attacks the palms of hands. It forms callouses that tear from the surrounding skin and bleed. Pretty deep cuts, all the time. 8~10 fissures at a time, all the time. I have to glove up for everything. I have tried literally 100's of remedies. This dry climate is certainly a factor. One can't deal 21 or serve food with blood on cards or plates. It effectively stopped me from working, which I liked. I like people. I am good with people because I genuinely like them. Good thing gardening requires gloves. I can't sleep with my self laying down, my legs burn & cramp, seriously like a seizure. I dose on the couch sitting kind of slumped with my feet on the floor. No doctor listens. "Take anti-inflamitories" they say RIGHT. Useless. No painkiller helps at all. My physicality is making my decisions for me. So that's part of my self absorbed story. I used to be a happy, content, crazy busy Mom and wife and had a job. Kids are grown. My youngest Daughter died when she was 27. She would have been 32 yesterday. We tried to save her. I spent no less than 50 hours a week with her the last year of her life. Another time I will tell the story if I find anyone here who wants to be my friend. I hope so, my old friends went away. I am totally alone & lonely. Jim cares more about this house than me. Maybe we can help each other. I know I talk a lot at times. I listen actively too. Marian @azure

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