Having a tough day today (trigger warning)

These always come as a shock. My best friend in college did it (over a Dear John letter). He left a short note asking people not to blame themselves. He was on the Dean's List (of academic achievement) at Caltech & had a great future. It was 60 years ago & I remember to this day, all the details of being notified & my reaction (like a short video). It profoundly affected me (in my case for the better). I had been somewhat of a loner & ended up reaching out to people & having more friends.

There is often the desire to blame oneself, but in reality there are often no signs. My friend mentioned that he thought it shouldn't be illegal, but college kids talk about a lot of philosophical things & don't mean much by it. His parents were really hurting & reached out to me from afar. I didn't know what to say to them. I should have responded to them; that is my regret.

Be sure to reach out to others. Usually they won't know what to say. Sometimes survivors just want to be near people, as there often is not much to say. If you are so inclined, try going to church; that can be a big help.

I hope that helps a bit.

Hi Scott,
To feel grief is alright.
But with regards feeling guilty, I would like to share with you the experience a psychiatist-author whose book I read a couple years ago.
He had a patient for over 20 years, dealing with depression. Soon after the last time they met, he heard from the patient's mother that his patient ended his life.
The man received cost-free care from our best mental health institution, from a top psychiatrist (recipient of our highest civilian award, the Order of Canada), but nobody had a clue he would end his life. The psychiatrist wrote that he felt sorry he didn't see the warning sign. But not guilty, he has done his part.
I believe you have done your part too, seen him doing well the last time you were together.

Scott, it's ok to feel everything you're feeling right now. Don't fight it, even if it's irrational. It's good to be around people, but don't self-censor (except with the family) or try to be the pillar of strength. If you're annoying, it's OK. If you keep repeating yourself, it's OK. If you contradict yourself, it's OK.

Once the initial shock has subsided, that will be the time to wake up your rational voice and start untangling the threads. But in the initial madness of sudden grief, you don't have to put any expectations on yourself. Just try to have faith that it won't stay like this: in a short while, things will start to settle. You can figure out how to learn to live with this loss and not blame yourself then.

We'll be here for you, as will be your in-person friends. ❤️

You never know what caused your friend to take that route, it may have had nothing to do with the cancer or maybe cancer was only one of many factors.

I'm 9 months out of RARP and my life, with a few minor exceptions, is as it was before. No side effects as of yet. This is to say that your statement of having a normal life after is not only possible but it's happening for many, many men. The posts you read here are often from those still dealing with issues because if you weren't then why would you be here? To that end, remember that far more guys walk away from PC these days relatively unscathed than have ongoing issues.

Hang in there.

@scottbeammeup
Thanks for reaching out to us. I too have had some real stress years but nothing like yours.

Can I suggest possibly reaching out to a counselor that specializes in life events like this? For us on MCC (at least for me), hard to know what to say to help.

I was diagnosed with PTSD anxiety/panic disorder back in 2015. Several medical reason, my time in Vietnam, incidents as a police officer, family. My primary care doctor referred me to Mayo Psychiatric department. I was at first embarrassed. But when I met counselor of just how common my feelings were it made me relax. With consultation and medications I have been able to have a normal life but with my sadness always right there.

I do see the psychiatric counselor/medication specialist every 6 months. Back in 2015 I had many test done and all were at the extreme levels for PTSD and anxiety/panic disorder. In the last 2 years I lost two nephews (one to cancer the other overdose), both brother-in-laws (one to covid), and my only one sibling my sister who had no other family member alive other than me.

I was handling it so much better that I thought I should. I discussed with with my Mayo specialist at Psychiartic Department and she stated the prescription I am on helps keep a hormone up as a certain level. I will be on that drug for life.

I mentioned this as a lot of us shy away from seeking counseling like I did for so many years. Consider it as have this level of stress on you it can help. As I mentioned hopefully I was able to pass on my experience with this and what I did. I feel for you and it comes from empathy of me losing so many family relatives under some really stressful circumstances.

@jc76 So glad you got help for PTSD. I know two vets who've talked about it a tiny bit with me, and I have huge respect for the courage and commitment it takes to start down the recovery road.

I also admire the way vets support their former brothers and sisters in arms these day, dropping the tough façade of the past and offering each-other real empathy and support.

Thanks for sharing here.

ScottBeam, A very sad situation. I had a close friend that did this and he was one of those guys that could make you feel special but couldn't do the same for himself and hid it well. The only way I could console myself was knowing that I was there for him. I went through all the stages of grief. I'm grateful that he had you in his life. Best wishes as you heal from this.

@vircet Yes, I also knew a psychiatrist who was the head of a large institute. He told me that he still couldn’t believe the many, many suicides which came out of the blue, totally unexpected.
He had personally written very positive evaluations for many patients, even adding notes that their meds could soon be decreased.
And then they would be found the next day, dead by their own hand…very sad.

@scottbeammeup - how are you feeling now? Did you have an OK day?

@northoftheborder Yes, I am feeling OK, thanks for asking! I've been keeping busy. As I mentioned in another thread, just got back from a long trip to Spain before this happened so there's a lot to catch up on at home--mostly bills unfortunately. I also finished a song I've been writing about my prostate cancer experience (it's more metaphorical--I don't literally mention cancer at all in the song).

I got my PSA test results yesterday--undetectable--which the doctor says is great for someone who just had radiation and not surgery. So now I'm "graduating" to the six month plan so am good until spring.

Tomorrow I start my volunteer work back up, and have a month's worth of fallen leaves to deal with!