Down n Out

Posted by menodummy @menodummy, Oct 23, 2012

Not looking for pity, just some solid advice. I am not trying to hide my depression though some may not see it, many look at me and it is obvious they see something. Since I can remember I have heard and continue to hear, "are you angry"? or "are you sad"? The truth be told, there is something wrong. On a scale of mild to moderate I have most always dealt with depression. This morning I awoke to some of the worse depression I have ever felt. Long story very short, I feel like a complete failure and have so most if not all of my life. I experience a lot of heartache, worry, stress, anxiety. 10th grade drop out, ex felon (30+years ago and in trouble since the age of 7). About a half dozen foster homes. Yet though that and so much more I have been blessed with some decent income producing careers, over time I gave up on them, lost motivation to try. Just sent my youngest off to college and am now an empty nester. Do not have a lot of friends probably of my own choosing. In general I do not feel I have anything to offer. The fact that I have 5 kids is probably the single reason I am alive today. Just being honest. Due to the economy along with my own lack of preparedness, I spend most of my time in front of a computer looking through the events of the day. No motivation, even when things get dropped into my lap. So why am I here? I have spoke to many counselors, psychologists, and the like and I am sorry but they just are not happening or I am not receiving it. Tried some meds for about a month or two to no avail. Seriously do not know where to turn. I do not have the finances to go through any counseling. Any advice will be appreciated, but if you are going to tell me to look at my inner self or try to psych myself into thinking of myself more highly then I am, it is not worth your time. Thanks

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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How would loving yourself make a difference?

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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I suppose It would help me to see myself the way God sees me. Make sense? I think a person who feels good about who he or she is probably will feel better at accomplishing things. Have an I can do it attitude sort of speak

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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It makes perfect sense. What is it that God wants you to accomplish while you are here on earth?

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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Well, great question. I know He has a plan just not sure what that plan is long term. I have a trust issue and not much hope so that puts me in a place of being sort of unusable for lack of a better term. Here is what I have felt. I have the ability to understand others who are struggling with many of the same things as I had in the past. Once again though, because of my own despair I lack any motivation thus useless.

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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So what does a trusting relationship look like to you?

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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I'm asking these questions - not because I want to analyze you - but because I believe you do have the answers within yourself... they're just buried deep inside you.

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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Pretty scary, huh?

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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Depends on whom I am putting my trust in. I have a tendency to trust people in general (though it is earned) I have a history of losing confidence in professionals eg; counselors. I feel anyone in a profession should be looking out for best interests of the person they are serving, something fairly rare I have found. So in answer to your question I suppose trusting means knowing the individual is genuine. Ok so now its my turn to ask a question. Are your questions leading to something?

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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oops looks like I jumped the gun on that last question.

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@bbd

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

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I can be intuitive at times:)

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