Share this:
menodummy

Down n Out

Posted by @menodummy in Mental Health, Oct 23, 2012

Not looking for pity, just some solid advice. I am not trying to hide my depression though some may not see it, many look at me and it is obvious they see something. Since I can remember I have heard and continue to hear, "are you angry"? or "are you sad"? The truth be told, there is something wrong. On a scale of mild to moderate I have most always dealt with depression. This morning I awoke to some of the worse depression I have ever felt. Long story very short, I feel like a complete failure and have so most if not all of my life. I experience a lot of heartache, worry, stress, anxiety. 10th grade drop out, ex felon (30+years ago and in trouble since the age of 7). About a half dozen foster homes. Yet though that and so much more I have been blessed with some decent income producing careers, over time I gave up on them, lost motivation to try. Just sent my youngest off to college and am now an empty nester. Do not have a lot of friends probably of my own choosing. In general I do not feel I have anything to offer. The fact that I have 5 kids is probably the single reason I am alive today. Just being honest. Due to the economy along with my own lack of preparedness, I spend most of my time in front of a computer looking through the events of the day. No motivation, even when things get dropped into my lap. So why am I here? I have spoke to many counselors, psychologists, and the like and I am sorry but they just are not happening or I am not receiving it. Tried some meds for about a month or two to no avail. Seriously do not know where to turn. I do not have the finances to go through any counseling. Any advice will be appreciated, but if you are going to tell me to look at my inner self or try to psych myself into thinking of myself more highly then I am, it is not worth your time. Thanks

Tags: mental health

Driftwood likes this
driftwood

Posted by @driftwood, Oct 24, 2012

I can't offer advice, but I identify with you, and your honesty felt comforting.

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 26, 2012

Thank you, really

driftwood

Posted by @driftwood, Oct 26, 2012

Was feeling way low this morning and watched this program on the arts, it helped me somewhat. Maybe it can help you. The program shows how Art changed hundreds of people's thinking. In one part, teens voiced their individual frustrations in dramatic monologues, Use your sensitivity in any medium that works for you. Here is the link. http://video.pbs.org/program/arts-mind/

larry305 likes this
colleendonovan30

Posted by @colleendonovan30, Oct 31, 2012

Get your thyroid checked out too for hormone imbalances. Focus on the positive and do things to take your mind off of things. If you believe in god than get into his word.

colleendonovan30 likes this
jaydedlayde

Posted by @jaydedlayde, Oct 24, 2012

Hey, Menodummy 🙂 Honey, don't you 'dare' go and give up before this jaded one gets a shot at you! I have been where you're at (or at least were when you posted) more times than I care to remember. Will you let me try and help you? No, I'm not a professional. I'm just a crazy old woman with a penchant for taking in strays. With a little bit of trust and a little bit of work, we can start making things better and then...well...it will take more trust and more work, but it 'can' and 'will' get better. I'm not saying you'll be "normal" because anyone who says they are needs more help than either one of us. I'm a crazy, strange, off-her-rocker, bats-in-the-belfry woman who's ornery, funny, caring, friendly, and sympathetic, but is as blunt as a ... well, I'm blunt. I'll tell you like it is. I won't pull any punches. So, all of that said, if you think you can put up with me, send me a message and we'll see what we can do to get this darned thing turned around! (Hmm...for some reason, I feel the need to add: "I'm not here to play games and don't you play me for a fool, boy.") So yeah, like I said, I'm strange...but I'm here and I wanna help and I won't give up on you. I promise.

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 26, 2012

That is very to the point now isnt it. Thanks for that. I have to tell you I am a sceptic. But not because of you but I think mainly it is because I have shared once or twice with some that I trusted has the answers only to be let down. Not because they intended to but because they were not qualified. I wonder if qualifications are very simply put, been there. So I am listening and want to be hopeful.

wargirlb4

Posted by @wargirlb4, Nov 14, 2012

HELLO! from one crazy old lady to another! You sound like me. as for you, Menodummy (love your ''handle''), Lyrica works for me, and I study the Law of Attraction, and some other really "far out" stuff. That's about my only motivation these days, dunno why. Good luck, and listen to JaydedLayde, she sounds like the best bet, and she takes in strays! There are many days I feel like a stray myself, and a whole buncha days I just feel STRANGE!!

Jaynie likes this

Posted by Anonymous-48bbe1fe, Oct 26, 2012

Hey bro,
I am not sure I got much to say. I've had similar feelings in my life and I know how vacuous good intentions might sound. I what it was like when I felt similar - one the agonizing things about our situation is that we feel alone and that there is no one out there who cares. I guess I'm not what you call religious guy, so I am not about to invoke the power of God as a means to help, but I know that life can be hard and if there is one thing, one small thing that I might have to offer it is that I've been there and I've been there so many times for so long, where I was so fed up being fed up with my life, where I'd lie on the couch almost unable to move as though my body was like a rock, a thousand pound rock...

I am doing pretty good these days, and I don't know why, don't know how, (I have some sense, but not sure) all I know is that things seem better than they've been for years. Maybe that can give you some encouragement. I saw therapists, but it always seemed so - hopeless. Sometimes it felt as though I was there to help the therapist and not the other way around, other times I felt some skill may have been there in the therapist, but he or she couldn't touch me. Other times it just seemed like - how can I afford just finding a therapist...they're so bloody expensive! And sometimes their words seemed so empty. Like all those techniques that seemed like fuel for the bonfire of cynicism I was tending. And yet somehow things got better. Time seemed to make a difference, even though I've been struggling with this since I was 6 - I remember as a young boy, sitting in the family basement, hockey equipment on, 30 minutes before dad was to take me to practice and I'd be there on the floor, despairing, knowing in my bones that my situation was hopeless and no one could ever understand. Over 30 years of flirting with that same despair - and somehow something has changed, just in the last few years, despite everything I ever thought possible, something has changed.

You are so not alone, and our world really is f*ed up, there is so much sorrow and aimless selfishness in this world that depression is almost a sign of sanity. Don't mean to bum you out by being negative, but I find saying a truth like that can be kind of empowering. No, don't tell me of the beauty of life if you just open up to it. But in spite of my sadness, I'm not going to let anybody, least of all myself convince me things really are hopeless. Things change, truly they do, and our belief in our own despair is just a perverse stubbornness we seem to have. I don't need to cultivate more illusions to free me from despair, but we have to find ways to reach out to our family, friends, neighbors, strangers - find ways to accept love, and then one day to give it back. When the time is right. There's no rushing this process, but don't give up man, Don't give up.

Yati

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 26, 2012

Thanks for the encouraging words Yati. Actually God is my only source of strength at this time. Thanks for sharing, I hope I too can one day say things are better.

bettyann

Posted by @bettyann, Oct 27, 2012

Here is an idea! And I have a feeling you would be really good at it. Do you have an organization close to you of some sort whereby you could help the less fortunate...a volunteer job. I am sure that with all you have been through, you could relate to what many people are going through.
There is nothing as rewarding and gratifying as HELPING OTHERS ...and it would take your mind off of yourself, because such actions are very healing.
You need to distract yourself from yourself and focus on what you can do successfully and I have a feeling you could be a real blessing to others. Think it over. And good luck to you. 🙂

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 27, 2012

Interesting you mention that. I feel exactly the same and I do quite a bit of it which not only takes my mind of of my own insecurities but I feel really good at the same time. In fact I recommend that to others as well. You are right, I can relate very well with them. I find myself back in my depressed state though when I head for home and remain there much of the time. I appreciate the reply and would strongly recommend to others as well. Thank you

monicacakes

Posted by @monicacakes, Oct 30, 2012

You have a lot of stuff going on on your life and its been that way from the beginning. I have depression along with other mental illnesses and I'm medicated (have been for almost ten years now) and I see two people regularly. Depression isn't really something that goes away.. You can control it, but that's about it. If someone asked me for advice concerning what you told me, I'd say not to give up although its hard not to, to try and see a doctor (it took me four tries to get to the doctor most helpful to me) and don't feel discouraged if the first few sessions are awkward. There is so much I could say to you in hopes of trying to help, but I'll leave it there for now.

But remember, keeping your mind occupied with positive things is key. Occupying yourself is key as well. Take walks. Volunteer somewhere. Don't stay in your house all day. I know doing this keeps me a couple steps ahead of my depression.

Stay safe.

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 30, 2012

Thanks Monica I think that is some very wise advice and have heard the same from others. Hopefully you will come to the end of yours at some point.

Peace

perrychristlike

Posted by @perrychristlike, Oct 31, 2012

Hello, Meno
I hope this isn't to frank, but after reading everything you wrote, my advice would be to 1st: FORGIVE YOURSELF. I say this because you mentioned a lot of disappointing things you've done in your past. We make mistakes, and no body's perfect. 2nd: After forgiving yourself, START OVER. You mention you've had many opportunites to rebuild your life but gave up on them. Keep trying till you get it right, and if you fall down get right back up again! Thank your Higher Power for time and pray for more. You have a purpose in life and it may not be as spectacular as other ppl, but it is your purpose! You mention your kids; maybe that's your purpose, to stay alive just for them. The rewards you're looking for to come through you may come through them, and from this, you have fulfilled your purpose. 3rd (and most important): I recommend you STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE AND START CONGRAULATING YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE; even if it means just staying alive for your children or just waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, and getting on the computer; SOME PPL DON'T EVEN DO THAT!
I personally don't believe in meds being the answer for everbody, and I do believe in training the innerself, but you don't want to hear about that, so I bid you good luck, peace, and self love.

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

If only it were that simple and I am no suggesting what you have suggested is easy I am saying it is a very difficult spot to be in. I appreciate your response though. You have a good heart Thank you

piglit

Posted by @piglit, Oct 31, 2012

Hi I think that to have positivity is a good thing to try to keep in our lives. We have all been faced with many challenges in our lives, and I think that at the end of the day they make us stronger. I myself feel saddened at the way that you feel. I have had depression and anxiety for the majority of my life, and at times you do feel the way that you do. But if I can be honest you are the only one that can try to turn things around for you and your family. Each and everyday that we are here is a blessing and should be so treasured with what we have in life I find that to focus on the things that bring us happiness is the way to go, even if it's going for a walk. You can change the way that you are feeling, try not to be so hard on yourself, you have acheived things in your life be proud of them always. I speak these words from many years of focusing on the positive things that life has had to offer and believe me challenges have been placed before me healthwise one after the other. over the past six months. You just have to have the faith and yes the inner strength that we all have to improve and change the way that the road is travellling for you at the moment. Please take care and I'm always here anytime if you need to talk. Annie

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

Thanks for the encouraging words Annie. I hope you are also encouraged by the strength you have in dealing with your own challenges.

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

What is getting in your way of looking at your inner self?

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

When I look to my inner self I see failure. Probably leftovers from childhood but thats behind me. The inner self is not.

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

What do you want to see?

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

I wish I could answer that but since I have nothing to compare to what I see now and throughout life, I dont know. Maybe one who loves himself?

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

How would loving yourself make a difference?

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

I suppose It would help me to see myself the way God sees me. Make sense? I think a person who feels good about who he or she is probably will feel better at accomplishing things. Have an I can do it attitude sort of speak

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

It makes perfect sense. What is it that God wants you to accomplish while you are here on earth?

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

Well, great question. I know He has a plan just not sure what that plan is long term. I have a trust issue and not much hope so that puts me in a place of being sort of unusable for lack of a better term. Here is what I have felt. I have the ability to understand others who are struggling with many of the same things as I had in the past. Once again though, because of my own despair I lack any motivation thus useless.

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

So what does a trusting relationship look like to you?

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

I'm asking these questions - not because I want to analyze you - but because I believe you do have the answers within yourself... they're just buried deep inside you.

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

Pretty scary, huh?

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

oops looks like I jumped the gun on that last question.

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

I can be intuitive at times:)

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

So I am getting all your replies to my email even though I have this site open. I am having to click on the link to get to these replies. Maybe i am doing something wrong here?

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

Same for me - but I just signed up for this not really knowing what it's about.

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

Thanks for the chat On my way to a study Take care

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

Anytime!

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

Hmmm well, good luck with the analysis and I do not mean that sarcastically. You probaby mean well but after all these years I'm feeling a little bullet proof.

bbd

Posted by @bbd, Oct 31, 2012

Analysis? Not for me... it doesn't matter what I think about you, it only matters what you think about yourself. So, I'm just curious, what was the thought running through your head when you decided to write your initial post?

menodummy

Posted by @menodummy, Oct 31, 2012

Depends on whom I am putting my trust in. I have a tendency to trust people in general (though it is earned) I have a history of losing confidence in professionals eg; counselors. I feel anyone in a profession should be looking out for best interests of the person they are serving, something fairly rare I have found. So in answer to your question I suppose trusting means knowing the individual is genuine. Ok so now its my turn to ask a question. Are your questions leading to something?

marytexas

Posted by @marytexas, Nov 6, 2012

I suffer from major depression even at my best i always come up on quizzes being told to get help immediately. i take medication and see a doctor for an hour monthly. i am in the entire belief that in order to function at all i take medicine and get therapy. right now I am in a down cycle but experience has taught me I will get better. If you have never had relief my heart goes out to you. My journey from becoming a dentist then total non-function to taking a place in life and being able to write you are a combination of medicine and lots of retraining my thinking patterns. I was of the wrong belief at first that a magic pill would fix me. The truth is medicine only got me well enough to change myself and my thought patterns. I had to learn suicide was not a solution. It is a long journey to find the correct medications. I had to stop all medicine then add one at a time. i was seeing the doctor 2 times a week then. I feel blessed that I have gotten relief and gained hope of a better tomorrow. i felt helpless and hopeless for years. It truly was a hard journey and not but if you have stayed alive this long you must be a courageous man. I commend you for staying alive for your children. financially depression is hard. to depressed to work, not enough money to get help. being told to look at your inner self is rude and insulting. Major Depression is a disease that has real physical symptoms because your brain is not functioning correctly. If you had diabetes no one would say skip the insulin look at your inner self.

katycoyote

Posted by @katycoyote, Nov 10, 2012

And how are you doing now meno? I didn't see anything in the responses here that would make me feel better, hopeful, encouraged. I hope you did. I'm almost 65 and have been on various medications fo the past 10 years. Diagnosed with Major Depression of the medication resistent type. I have done the med upon med booster, psychology appts., time in a psych ward for threatening to kill myself (I've had suicide ideation for 50 years.....yep, and, like you I just keep hanging on because I hate to hurt my family that way.) I've exhausted my family, children, friends, spouse's patience as if I can just change my mind, go out and volunteer, exercise, etc and that'll work like it does for them. Everything works temporarily. I have no interest in getting out of bed, tv, talking on the phone, volunteering, working (I'm a retired RN) and barely care about my marriage, seeing my kids and grandchildren anymore, feeding my beloved dogs, etc.
I used to be distracted by raising children then heavily exercising (actually ran a very successful business, then going back to college, then working for 20 as many hours as I could, alcohol, partying, praying, and the list goes on. But each was a temporary fix. Even in my 20's I'd cry for hours after putting my kids to bed nightly. I'm tired of trying. I cry frequently and husband no longer responds sympathetically because he's just tired of it all. Frankly, I don't blame him. I spend a lot of time in bed now. Gave up drinking years ago and when I try to drink now it's no fun. Have been going to a shrink for 2 years I finally found who seemed good engouh. Even he is frustrated. Tried increasing my thyroid medication. Had every test of every system in my body. Avoided every food I was sensitive to. Gave up dairy, gluten, on and on.I even had a face lift, a breast reduction and a tummy tuck and I look fabulous when I try. Everything works for a little while, like meds....then drops out. I'm pretty sure the more meds I've tried the worse I've gotten, including aquiring anxiety and social phobias. I can ACT happy for other people's benefit. But I'm a good faker. Folks are always shocked when I tell them about the REAL me. I divorced after 25 years. I dated heavily. I married a sweet man ten years ago. I'm tired. I'm old before my time. I can afford all this, fortunately and STILL I haven't found relief. I've planned my suicide, my funeral, my will, and even gotten to the point where I no longer care if my family suffers. I'm 65. I'm tired of living. I don't have that many quality years left anyway. Why wait around? My last hope right now is trying to get treated with Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) only because I've heard it's now FDA approved, medicare and some insurance companies have started paying for it and because I have read stories of folks with protracted medication resistent depression have had success. If that doesn't work I'm done. I hope you find a therapy that works. You might consider trying to get on disability so you can afford to try help.....people DO get disability after a long period of trying and can go on to get the help they need. I hope you make it. It sounds like you might be young enough it's worth it for you. Good luck

anneinside

Posted by @anneinside, Dec 6, 2012

It doesn't sound like you gave meds a real try. Most antidepressants take 4 to 6 weeks to become effective. It may take two or three tries of different antidepressants to find one that works for you. Been there. Done that.

Please login or become a member to post a comment.