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???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011

depressed, single mom, please help

Posted by @2, Aug 29, 2011

Professionals, single-parents who identify, or insightful people; please respond. I do not feel comfortable seeking professional help. (I had a friend who’s husband left her. She was seen for depression & given med’s. Her X dragged her health records through a custody battlle & won. She killed herself) . That’s 1 example of y I don’t want records or RX’s. I thought there might be a way to talk to someone anonymously??? I’ve become isolated over the years & have no support system at all. I’ve mostly just worked & tried to maintain(barely) home & family(of 2) for 13 yrs. Not getting along w/ son now & it makes me feel like I have failed & everything was for NOTHING.

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b0nnie
@b0nnie

Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @b0nnie, Aug 29, 2011

Hi. Read your post I do relate. My children are grown and on their own now but there are still issues. I also deal with depression, panic and anxiety. Professional…in a sense of the word. Not degreed or licensed but worked 14 years as a casemanager at a domestic violence shelter. Very sorry about your friend. I have never had such an experience with a friend. I can’t even imagine.
I suppose this is as anonymous as the net can be…’-)
About your son, how old is he? My oldest is 40 next week and there are times I think I taught her nothing but for some reason she learned all the dysfunction her father had to offer. Had a talk with a friend and myself just today about the fact that she is an adult and she has her own life to live. I can do no more. Possibly your son is not at the age you cannot do that.
Bonnie

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???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 29, 2011

Bonnie, now I can’t tell if I submitted an unviewable response to you directly in addition to the one to myself in error. But thanks for responding .


Just A Grandma
@justagrandma

Posts: 5
Joined: Sep 05, 2011
Posted by @justagrandma, Sep 5, 2011

“My oldest is 40 next week and there are times I think I taught her nothing but for some reason she learned all the dysfunction her father had to offer.” Sounds so very familiar…I have a 30 y. o. son that I think the same about at times.

To the Mom who originally posted: You may want to take a look at something I have written…. http://www.squidoo.com/finding-your-way-back-from-depression to lead you into it…here is a little bit included that tells a little about my story:

One day, upon being asked, “How are you?” A woman responded, “I have been told all my life, when someone asks how you are, you should politely respond, “Fine. Thank you and you?”…or something similar as people really don’t want to know your troubles. Today, I would like to have just a few moments of your time in hopes that perhaps my story will help you in some small way now or in the future.”

“I am a wife, of almost 30 years, and friend, of almost 35 years, who has found herself separated from her husband and friend the past couple of months. I am a mother with 3 sons, of which 2 are in jail at the present time. One is there because of being irresponsible and not paying legal fines in a timely manner. The other is there because of being accused of molesting a 4-year-old little girl. I am the grandmother of that beautiful 4-year-old little girl who can be quite the eloquent storyteller. I am the mother-in-law to a young woman who could have unknowingly led her daughter into such an accusation because of unresolved issues herself. You see, she carries a fear that her daughters not go through what she did as she was molested by 2 different family members when she was a child herself…one of which, no one believed her when she told…the other recently confessed to the police and she would not press charges. Sadly, she has never been able to close either door and has cried upon my shoulder many times about these incidents through the years we have known each other.”

“I am having a very hard time comprehending what has been set before me and have none of my own strength left. Each day, God is my strength. He picks me up, puts me on my feet and begins the process of putting one foot in front of the other so I can accomplish something besides being consumed by this darkness that seems to have taken over the life of my little family. I used to wonder what it must have been like to be Mary…I think I understand now…but with none of the glory.”

“I hope, in some small way, my pain might bring you comfort in a time when you yourself may be faced with what you consider a “Bad Day”. I pray you will remember God is your strength when you think you have none left. So, in answer to your question, I pose one of my own in response…

How do YOU, think I am today?”


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 29, 2011

He is 13. He went to my mom’s which was o.k. but now several weeks have passed. My mood has deteriorated during that time. I’ve considered that I may have some social phobia/anxiety as well.


b0nnie
@b0nnie

Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @b0nnie, Aug 29, 2011

You don’t want to talk with a dr. is the problem ? Have you discussed the issue of med. records with your dr? Are you concerned about a custody issue?
Gosh, you are not in a good place if custody is a concern. However, if it is an issue you will need to be as together as possible for that. No since going down the tube when that will assure your issues could become a medical record. Had I known then what I know now…trust me. I was so beaten down I just wanted to deal as little as I had to and was always up in the air over custody. I just didn’t have what it took to keep on guard and fighting with him. I just wanted the roller coaster to end. Well, it didn’t and because he had me so down I just went down further. Nothing good came from it. That is what ended up sending me over the edge so to speak. My sons’ father was abusive and relentless. Eventually I thought my strength was gone…actually it was then I know now was the time to do what I could to depend on my friends and family who would be supportive, do what I could to get out of the emotional and into the logical…even though I had very little logical to work with. Is there a shelter in your area where you can see a casemanager and attend a community group? Do you have friends or family who can help you? I don’t know any of your background but keep reaching out. You really can’t do it alone. I was determined I could and I learned we really need to find a support system. In my case, I had been so abused I was bursting with emotion and friends and family actually thought the problem was all me. Eventually they realized but so much had to happen before that…
Do you feel safe regarding your moods and anxiety? Do you have someone you could reach immediately if you were to consider harming yourself? I am offering ideas here and I really should be getting more information from you. I understand you want to remain anon about this…you may able to do that but be ready in the event you do need to reach out for professional help.


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 30, 2011

No custody issue at present but I just don’t assume one would never occur. I’m glad you made it through, you deserve a lot of credit. The friend’s story I mentioned was before my son was born. It was a horrible situation. No abuse so shelter not nec. Also, do not like to add mental health to create a pre-existing condition in health records. Social type anxiety or real concern, I think it is discomforting to have a every personal detail put on electronic med.records. I was educated in th process from getting special services for my son(add & 0cd). I am not sure of what type of community groups there may be. The only one I could think of is ACA. I think that my goal here is to find sources of help if crisis & if it’s something that doesn’t cause too much anxiety build some support system.


b0nnie
@b0nnie

Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @b0nnie, Aug 30, 2011

???
I agree with the direction you see for yourself. A plan for if you situation gets to the point of needing more and develop some support. I have to tell you the longer you rstay unengaged with the outside…as in just work and and clean…the longer and harder it will be to take action. Why don’t you locate the resources in your community in the event you get in deeper crisis. Are you familiar with the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)? Since I have no idea where you live I can tell you that you can do a search to see if there is one in your area or near enough to see if they have a ny community programs you can attend. I do not imply you have a mental illness. NAMI has support for all levels of MI such as what you have described, possible social phobia/anxiety. I am in that category as well. Not sure if you realize how much help it is to be among people with similar issues. Yes, these programs do serve the full spectrum of the population so many are in much more difficult circumstances…however, a social phobia is nothing to brush off. A few of my friends have been in treatment for it and I see the impact it has had on them.
You mentioned your son has been treated for ADD and OCD. You probably do then have the conditions you believe you have. These issues, I am sure you know, are biological as well as learned fears.
I have to share with you that I was not able to seriously begin to take my life back from depression, anxiety and panic attacks until I, myself, sought shelter (which you say is not the issue) and had contact with the greatest staff. Sadly, however, my children saw so much of me when I was depressed and fearful and unengaged. This can sure have the “nurture” impact on the children. We sure don’t have to be a bottomless source of strength and “You go girl” because that is not real either. They didn’t see me begin to take my life back until they had seen a lot of my not being well. If I could ever change anything in my life it would be that. But we just do what we can with what we have when we have it. I am sure you have shown great strength as well.
Are there any groups or organizations you have an interest in? I got into a reading group at the library and it reminded me I could “fit in.” The longer you are not involved the easier it is to just forget who you really can be and I imagine have been.
If you can handle the social situations there may be places you can volunteer. Many organizations offer things you can also get your son involved in.
Do you think your son is difficult beyond his age and the conditions he has to deal with? My son was with his father a while and back with me at 13. I also have a daughter. I have some black humor that saved me during those years. We all know what being 13 is like…let alone dealing with it. Let it suffice that being 13 again is not on my Bucket List nor is raising a 13-year-old.
Bonnie


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 30, 2011

I have already been unengaged for years & I don’t think it can get harder. My lifestyle changed from single & free person who would not engage in a comitted relationship to single parent, too busy & always putting off time w/friends plus job change & people move,etc. The years have caught up to me & I realize I never really put my emotions out there(including never an on-line discussion). Your responses are really helpful & and a relief because this is really difficult to do. I have been on vacation for over a week, at home, doing nothing except being depressed & unable to focus on something productive. I could find normal distractions but I blew my engine in my 14 yr old car. A few months ago, I thought I had it pretty together except for a couple of issues. Going through psych stuff w/my son & reading about things turned out to be educational & a rude awakening. I realized my entire life has been spent coping & trying to compensate for issues I have. I live in the twin cities,mn & will at least look up what u said to.


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 30, 2011

Bonnie, I had anew lengthy reply written, my phone lost the data connection & erased it all. I am going to try this again but thoughts may not seem as orderly. I am not sure if I am going backwards or forward. I have been obsessing that I went online(like, omg, what did I do). I even considered trying to go back & edit/erase all of my words. Resulting in possible revelation that its emotions that I’m ‘not allowed’ to have vs. Social contact. Clearly, if I could withdraw & resume normal functioning ,that would be the path I would choose. I did go to NAMI site, didn’t feel comfortable signing in, not sure if I will call. Also, ran across m.medlineplus.gov/topic/depresion . Under news topics it mentioned moms effect on kids (like what u said). Fyi l don’t act depressed around my son normally but have been accused of being non-emotional. Also thought the artical re:mistreated children & depression might apply to me in addition to cause of being so guarded. Thinking adult children of alcoholics might be where I should start but am unfamiliar with. Plus I really want to completely withdraw now(like this is ovedoing it). Bonnie, i think you have a gift for talking to people & I am grateful you responded. You are very wise. I think you are probably like the good people you met when you went to a shelter & you would be good at a suicide intervention or crisis call center. I take it u r done being a casemanager?
fyi, this was 2nd of 2 responses.
Not sure what to do now, putting things out there makes it seem like I should follow up w/ some sort of action but don’t feel like I can. Still feel like erasing words.


b0nnie
@b0nnie

Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @b0nnie, Aug 30, 2011

You know what, ???, everyone spends their lives coping and trying to compensate for issues. ‘-) The statement I truly believe says it all and is not a reference to you but to life…”The mentally ill are the same as us, only more so.” Says it all. On every level you can think that applies…from being overwhelmed with life at times to chronic anxiety to chronic and persistent mental illness. When we look around at other people it is easy to think our issues are so much more severe. That is simply not true…just different.
You do sound as if you could benefit from some brief talk therapy and possibly some meds. I understand your reasoning. What you experienced with your friend can be life changing. There is rationale to your thinking, but try to think thru how your friends’ situation is like yours. No two situations are the same. I believe I hear some sincere suffering in your situation and, while I also hear your concerns, is continuing to suffer the real answer?
The region you are in is widely known to be in the lead on women’s issues. From what you have written so far I bet getting some understanding and support in that area, plus some help with meds to get you on track could help you a lot.
Are you aware of what happened a couple of months ago that has hindered your progress? What I see is a person who is suffering with probably depression and anxiety (I have been there and know what it is to feel the effects). Treatment will ease that and give you energy to move forward. Maybe that would help ease the concerns of medical data possibly being shared in the wrong places. I have heard others have similar concerns, but it certainly makes me wonder if the fear of a possibility is worth the anxiety and burden of carrying the weight of the struggles day in and day out. Not pushing…just sayin’.
Bonnie


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 30, 2011

Bonnie, note I sent you asecond response almost at same time, at least to read part about you. I like your saying. Group may be ticket to anonymous talk. Meds out of question, avoidance still feels like overpowering option. Also, have personal theory to share w/others (not nec. In regards to this conversation but about general well-being) I think peoples happiness are dependent on their identity & when they suffer loss (family death,divorce,custody,job even) their identity is destroyed,removed, or messed up. I think it would help people to realize that. Creating a new identity, deciding what you want, who you are, & the time it takes to start over may seem really daunting, though
Would you agree that applied to you?

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???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 30, 2011

Reply # 4 since yesterday,seems confusing like they show up out of order. It’s really bothering me that I’ve come across as really needy & at least know that it is in complete contrast with my normal personality. Your insight & advice is good & I seem to be hanging on everyword in addition to seeking them out in responses. However, I do not wish you to feel you have assumed a burden when you turned out to be the only responder & with dialogue. Your responses are insight filled & it takes a good person to help a stranger. Please let me know when it is time for dialogue to end(so I can absorb)


b0nnie
@b0nnie

Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @b0nnie, Aug 31, 2011

???
Yes, posts seem to appear out of order..confusing. I do not see you as needy. I see you as a person who was looking for a healthy outlet for some issues. I don’t see you as a stranger…just someone who was asking a question I thought my experiences my allow me to offer something to. Feel free to post when you want. I don’t plan on going anywhere and if I had to I would tell you when and why ahead of time. I get the fear of overdoing and concern some I was sharing and learning with would simply disappear. I guess it goes with the anxiety issue. Somewhere I believe you mentioned ACOA may be a direction for you. Definately worth checking out. Have you been involved with them before? If you don’t already have a group you know then check out their philosophy on the net. I have nothing for or against 12-step. The programs have saved lives when none others could. Each person in the groups have their own history and beliefs and sometimes group can take on the dynamics of the strongest person in attendance. That can be good and maybe not. If a group is a right fit, and you will know, then that is what is good for you.
I did have some very good mentors and thank you for your kind comments. It is a tribute to them as well.
Keep doing what you are doing. You appear to be an intelligent woman. You were aware things were not exactly what you wanted and you have been looking for answers. Not that I have the answers but I have to say once I realized a direction I could not absorb enough information. I craved it.
No not a case manager any longer. That was an environment I had to leave for my own sake. It ended up there was just not enough support and that is critical that field.
Now, I am on my own time and direction for 6 years. For me it is a good place to be. I hate to be so cliche’ but honestly life is a journey and not a destiny. Keep in mind I was searching the same website for some answers for myself when I ran across your post. We were both looking. It is a journey.
Bonnie


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Aug 31, 2011

Trying to post since yesterday, can’t say why but having trouble…had a positive to share, also.


b0nnie
@b0nnie

Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @b0nnie, Aug 31, 2011

This post came thru. You might continue to try. Looking forward to what your good news is.

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