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Dealing With an Addict Boyfriend

Posted by @adnsemma in Mental Health, Oct 14, 2013

I have a question, or more so, I need encouragement.

Since June, I have been dealing with a boyfriend who is addicted to cough medicine, and more specifically, dexomethorphan HCl.
He says he takes cough syrup in excess because it produces similar effects to smoking marijuana, however, I think otherwise.

He's had a history of abusing substances, and says he's tried many different substances in his past, and he's only 18. He's been an inpatient twice at different rehabilitation facilities, and an outpatient rehab three times a week now until January. And yet, he still uses.

I feel like his mother more than this girlfriend most of the time. He doesn't like to keep a tidy room, doesn't like to do the little chores of daily life that (I think) make a person content with life. He often states that he misses smoking weed, and how he wishes he didn't have to go to treatment and give a UA each week.
This is why he says he uses dexomethorphan (DXM), or cough syrup - it won't show up in a drug test, and it heightens his sensitivity to, and enjoyment of music. I think this is ridiculous.

He has used DXM several times without telling me, and I found out a few weeks ago that he's actually been in contact with his ex girlfriend, whom he told me he had severed ties with as she's absolutely crazy. I have since found out about all of those little shortcomings. I've given him chance after chance to stop lying to me, stop using, and to be honest and true to me, but he seems incapable.

The worst part of having an addict boyfriend, especially this one, is that I love him. When things are good between us and his addiction is under (some) control, things are wonderful. We are happy together, we laugh, we talk, we bond. But then when things get bad and I have to find out about him having used DXM one night... it's bad. I feel so betrayed.

Even worse is that he loves me so very much, and when I get mad at him and start talking about a break up, his tears always ruin me. He begs me not to break up with him. He says he can't do this addiction thing without me, that he needs me, that he needs my support and my love to get through this. He says he's not going to use again because it hurts me so much, but he's said that before, and then used only a few short weeks later... It seems that my support, love, and compassion aren't the things that he needs, or at least, not enough.

I guess I'm looking for support here. I know it's over between us... it has to be. I'm a full time nursing student and I need to be focusing on the copious amounts of work and clinical activities. But I'm just so sad. I feel like I'm abandoning him when he needs me the most, but then I remember that I need someone that I can count on and trust, and I realize that with addicts, the cycle of behavior repeats itself over and over again, and that I can't fix him.

I need support, I suppose. I feel so guilty, like I'm going to ruin him. But I can't do this anymore. I can't be with someone that I don't trust or have faith in, no matter how much he claims to love and adore me. Says he'd do anything for me out of love.

Help me.

Tags: addiction, relationships, mental health, Abuse, manipulation, womens health


Posted by @norris, Oct 15, 2013

I am a recovered addict of 30 yrs.You are not abandoning him he is doing this all to himself.It is his problem to fix.You can not help him if he refuses to help himself,the cough just another drug for him.Tell him you love him but if he contiunes you can not see him anymore-he needs some tough love.You cannont stay with him, he is destroying himself and you will go down with him.You seem to be a bright person who is trying to make something of herself--go do that walk away--I know this because of experince and hard times myself. Get out!! If you would like any more information from me feel free to ask Jodi

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Posted by @adnsemma, Oct 16, 2013

Just as an update...

I broke up with him shortly after writing this. It was forced over the phone as when I called him to ask if we could meet up later that evening and he knew it was coming, which says to me, he knew he'd done wrong. He then told me that if I was to break up that the meeting would take place, he'd rather not, and he'd rather I just do it right here.

So I did it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but the next day (yesterday) I remembered he had some of my headphones and a few other valuable possessions and I texted him to say I would be back that night while he was away to get my things and drop his possessions off. He told me he threw them away, and to stay away from his house.

I knew he hadn't. So I said I'd be there within 10 minutes and when I got there, he'd taken off with my things in tow and said I wouldn't get them back until I promised to talk about this because it wasn't fair that he wanted "his girlfriend back" and he couldn't have me. So it seemed logical to him that I couldn't have my possessions back.

So I promised to talk and it ended just the way I knew it would - in tears. He cried, he cried, he begged, he pleaded, he promised never to do this again. But I stayed cold. I got my things back half an hour later and left. As I left I heard him slamming and throwing things around in his room. Destructive behavior. He continued texting me, begging that if he cleaned up and grew up then would I give him another chance. I said I didn't know. I didn't promise him anything.

The worst part about that whole thing yesterday was, even though he's done this to himself, I still hated seeing him hurt so badly. I felt like I knew I could make the pain go away, and to know that I caused it made it even worse. But I knew I could make the hurt go away if I was willing to suspend everything I know to be right. That's what made me the most heartbroken - I had caused him pain, and I couldn't fix it.

Thank you for your support the past couple days.


Posted by @norris, Oct 16, 2013

Good girl, you did the right thing. You are not responsible for his happiness --he is.I know you think you could help him but you can't----only he can help himself, he will drag you down with his illness,believe me I have tried this myself and ended up worse then he was.He needs AA an rehap.and at least a yr. of sobriety before you see him again. If he is serious and cleans himself up still remember this is a life long struggle for him and addicts think different then every one else. How old are you? Are you ready to make a life time commitment to him? You are a smart girl and did a difficult thing--you are very strong to have done this


Posted by @anon55071286, Oct 16, 2013

I feel sorry for you. Yeppers, if someone is addicted don't waste your time on them. My neighbor is an alcoholic and has been for years. He doesn't want to quit drinking and smoking so after 6 years of trying to help him I won't let him on my property any more. Addicts can quit if they want! Stop wasting your time with this loser!! Take care of you and don't let him pull you down anymore!!!!

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Posted by @christylynchtdcom, Oct 22, 2013



Posted by @agianf, Oct 22, 2013

Dont feel anything for him..your life will be ruined. Concentrate on school and your career..You will be very surprised to find another out there that you will bond with. A Big part of love is the history that you create together . I don't think the way you described this guy that part of the history is worrying about his addiction. The word Respect also enters in this ...If this person gets himself together , then maybe he does respect you enough to quit.

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