I have a question, or more so, I need encouragement.
Since June, I have been dealing with a boyfriend who is addicted to cough medicine, and more specifically, dexomethorphan HCl.
He says he takes cough syrup in excess because it produces similar effects to smoking marijuana, however, I think otherwise.
He’s had a history of abusing substances, and says he’s tried many different substances in his past, and he’s only 18. He’s been an inpatient twice at different rehabilitation facilities, and an outpatient rehab three times a week now until January. And yet, he still uses.
I feel like his mother more than this girlfriend most of the time. He doesn’t like to keep a tidy room, doesn’t like to do the little chores of daily life that (I think) make a person content with life. He often states that he misses smoking weed, and how he wishes he didn’t have to go to treatment and give a UA each week.
This is why he says he uses dexomethorphan (DXM), or cough syrup – it won’t show up in a drug test, and it heightens his sensitivity to, and enjoyment of music. I think this is ridiculous.
He has used DXM several times without telling me, and I found out a few weeks ago that he’s actually been in contact with his ex girlfriend, whom he told me he had severed ties with as she’s absolutely crazy. I have since found out about all of those little shortcomings. I’ve given him chance after chance to stop lying to me, stop using, and to be honest and true to me, but he seems incapable.
The worst part of having an addict boyfriend, especially this one, is that I love him. When things are good between us and his addiction is under (some) control, things are wonderful. We are happy together, we laugh, we talk, we bond. But then when things get bad and I have to find out about him having used DXM one night… it’s bad. I feel so betrayed.
Even worse is that he loves me so very much, and when I get mad at him and start talking about a break up, his tears always ruin me. He begs me not to break up with him. He says he can’t do this addiction thing without me, that he needs me, that he needs my support and my love to get through this. He says he’s not going to use again because it hurts me so much, but he’s said that before, and then used only a few short weeks later… It seems that my support, love, and compassion aren’t the things that he needs, or at least, not enough.
I guess I’m looking for support here. I know it’s over between us… it has to be. I’m a full time nursing student and I need to be focusing on the copious amounts of work and clinical activities. But I’m just so sad. I feel like I’m abandoning him when he needs me the most, but then I remember that I need someone that I can count on and trust, and I realize that with addicts, the cycle of behavior repeats itself over and over again, and that I can’t fix him.
I need support, I suppose. I feel so guilty, like I’m going to ruin him. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with someone that I don’t trust or have faith in, no matter how much he claims to love and adore me. Says he’d do anything for me out of love.