Caring for Mother: She doesn't trust my care. Suggestions?

Posted by Leonard @jakedduck1, Jun 12, 2019

<p>It’s only been about two months since my Mom fell and broke her shoulder. The problems started 4 days later when her hand and elbow became contracted and she became fearful of standing, walking, being pushed in a wheelchair, riding in the car, scared of the dark. She is scare of everything. All of a sudden she’s lonely, she wants me to sit in her room all night. She calls me all the time starting 30 minutes after I put her to bed. “Are you awake,” when she asks if I’m awake she doesn’t wand anything just wants to know. “What time is it,” she has a clock a inches away. “Is it morning?” “Can I get up” 2, 3, 4, 5, 6am “I’m thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable, adjust my pillow, open the window/door, I’m hot/cold. When I walk with her she screams out “SLOW DOWN, YOUR GOING TO FAST… we are stopped, not moving at all or “I’m falling” or “I’m going to fall.” It NEVER stops, NEVER. My Dad was paralyzed from the neck down and was more independent and he had total confidence in me. My Mom doesn’t trust me at all. She was independent prior to the fall and now she’s totally dependent on me for everything. Under the best of circumstances I seldom sleep. I’m often up for days. Good thing I guess. But I can’t keep this up. I don’t know how to get her to trust me. I don’t mind doing everything that needs doing, well cooking and cleaning isn’t at the top of the list but I keep us alive and the house hasn’t been condemned. So I suppose my question is, is she being reasonable?<br />Thanks,<br />Jake</p>

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@jakedduck1

I’ve been thinking about her seeing a gerontologist. Is that a specialist or a primary care physician for the elderly. I’m concerned if she goes to one and it doesn’t work out how receptive will her current doctor be in taking her back if the gerontologist is a primary doctor.
I know she is scared. She keeps saying “I can’t” every time I try to get her out of bed or her chair. She leans way back instead of leaning forward. I show her by sitting and bending as far forward as I can showing her how I don’t fall. I took a few videos of her trying to get up and how as soon as I hold her to help she leans way back. I try to explain it is to hard on me to lift dead weight and instead of trying to do it like I show her she says “I don’t want to hurt you. Cant we hire someone. She doesn’t seem to understand if she gets up like that it’s going to be hard on anyone helping. Does she need to see a Psychologist?
Jake

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@becsbuddy
Hi
I already asked, doctor refused. I’ll just buy one if I can without prescription otherwise I’ll borrow one from Society for the handicapped. That’s where I donated all my dads equipment.
Jake

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@jakedduck1

@becsbuddy
Hi
I already asked, doctor refused. I’ll just buy one if I can without prescription otherwise I’ll borrow one from Society for the handicapped. That’s where I donated all my dads equipment.
Jake

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Hi @jakedduck1 From personal experience I would suggest you do a fair bit of homework before investing in a Hoyer lift. We finally had one through hospice that was quite solid and well built. However along the way we encountered several cheap, to me unsafe, rickety, varieties, which I truly believed were downright dangerous. A lift chair often can be of help at these times as well. We also found that an adjustable hospital bed was a huge help in helping to manage transfers.

Continued good luck with your insurance appeals as well! When I tallied up all my wife's bills, etc. over her years of being sick I found I had appealed on average three times on every one!

Keep up the good fight!

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@IndianaScott

Hi @jakedduck1 From personal experience I would suggest you do a fair bit of homework before investing in a Hoyer lift. We finally had one through hospice that was quite solid and well built. However along the way we encountered several cheap, to me unsafe, rickety, varieties, which I truly believed were downright dangerous. A lift chair often can be of help at these times as well. We also found that an adjustable hospital bed was a huge help in helping to manage transfers.

Continued good luck with your insurance appeals as well! When I tallied up all my wife's bills, etc. over her years of being sick I found I had appealed on average three times on every one!

Keep up the good fight!

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@becsbuddy
Well the good bad news continues, well maybe not but I was concerned about a spot on my arm but he said not to worry about it. He ended up freezing virtually the top of my head off and did some biopsies. Oh well, good news or bad I’m ready for it, lol. I took my Moms watch in to be fixed. The jeweler said nothing was wrong with it, he didn’t mention what he thought was wrong with me but I can imagine. How embarrassing.
Jake

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@jakedduck1

@becsbuddy
Hi
I already asked, doctor refused. I’ll just buy one if I can without prescription otherwise I’ll borrow one from Society for the handicapped. That’s where I donated all my dads equipment.
Jake

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A thought…local MDA Association folks may have equipment that can be borrowed, and any purchases might be deductible at tax time….

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@vickys

A thought…local MDA Association folks may have equipment that can be borrowed, and any purchases might be deductible at tax time….

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@vickys
Hi Vicky,
Thank you, I hadn’t thought of that.
Jake

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@vickys

A thought…local MDA Association folks may have equipment that can be borrowed, and any purchases might be deductible at tax time….

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@vicks That's A great idea! I know down in my area there is a private group that loans out all types of medical equipment at no charge or donation $$ only. My husband donated his knee scooter and a good pair of crutches to them.
Ginger

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I was in my office this morning and I overheard her praying to be taken home. She’s been praying all morning and I can’t understand everything but it all has to do with going home. I’ve had a wonderful journey. I can’t last much longer. She is giving up.
Jake

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@jakedduck1

I was in my office this morning and I overheard her praying to be taken home. She’s been praying all morning and I can’t understand everything but it all has to do with going home. I’ve had a wonderful journey. I can’t last much longer. She is giving up.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Hello, again. This must be so difficult to deal with especially when it’s your mother. But at the same time, it’s very common. Hospice says that people talk about death and dying as a journey. For your mom, her journey is to go home. It may be difficult for you, but try to engage her in conversation. Ask if she’s seeing someone special, if she’s remembering good times. And, also be sure to let her know how much you’ll miss her and what a great mother she has been. Say all the things you might not have said before. Let her know that you will be OK, that you have friends here. Reminisce about special times together. This was neither of you will have regrets as she continues her journey. It might also help to call her doctor and request Hospice. They are the real experts. I hope all goes well for you

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@jakedduck1

I was in my office this morning and I overheard her praying to be taken home. She’s been praying all morning and I can’t understand everything but it all has to do with going home. I’ve had a wonderful journey. I can’t last much longer. She is giving up.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Leonard, that must have thrown you for a loop. Like Becky said, talk to her. Tell her what you want to say, in case she slips into a state where she cannot process your words. You have been a faithful son, and I'd bet you have most if not all arrangements figured out for the "what if" times. Now is the time to call on your close by friends, for a physical connection, not just us as we are cyber only. My mother did that as her cognitive abilities diminished. We're here for you.
Ginger

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When my father made the remark "I wish I could die", I responded God isn't ready for you yet, and that seemed to comfort him.

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I can certainly understand why they want to go home. It's a normal response to lots of people when this life seems just too hard to bear. Sometimes they say that when what they want is to be back in the home of their childhood where they felt safe and secure with their loved ones. So sad!

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@jakedduck1

@becsbuddy
I think all this bad luck comes my way because I eventually manage to handle it. Although there seems to be a lot of bellyaching along the way. My tire situation cost $1200.
Now she can’t stand. Very hard to transfer now.
Some good news though, I asked for occupational therapy for her arm, hand & wrist and it was denied twice but I persevered and heard yesterday we lost our first appeal but won our second appeal so she has appointment Monday afternoon. I will try and get her more physical therapy then. As it stands now I can’t get her in the car. We will probably have to take a wheelchair taxi. Her doctor is being a jerk. He ordered OT that was denied them refused to order it but the therapist got him to reorder it. I thought doctors were suppose to help patients. He won’t give me prescriptions for some equipment either. I’m willing to pay for it myself so I can’t understand his reasoning.
I’m off to dermatologist now. No more bad news I hope.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 I remember you mentioning that your mother had an OT appointment this past Monday. How did it go? Did you learn anything to help both of you? Let us know!

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