I used to model for photographers off model mayhem. I began to diet when I started modeling. Before modeling I was always insecure with my body. I had body image issues when I started college. Usually I would eat with my hallmates and every time I did, I had a great dinner. Only when I was alone, did I notice that I did not feel the urge to eat. I was depressed for leaving all my friends and family from northern california. I was going to a university in southern california, UC Irvine. Irvine… I have never been to or heard of. My sophomore year in college, a guy left me to study abroad and I had a lot of free time. I spent most of my time alone, I would either exercise or try to perfect my body. I wanted Shakira’s abs, so I decided to eat strawberries for dinner one night. yeah just strawberries! At the time I did know anything about a healthy diet… I thought doing 500 sits ups and running on the tread mill would work to burn the fat.
I started to diet and exercise obsessively when I wanted to be a model. I would run three miles every other day and try to eat less than 1000 calories. I remember one night I was so tired from exercising, I did not have the energy to eat. I recalled a time when I was doing yoga at the park and crying because I felt alone and hungry.
Of course the time when I was dating, all of this changed. I let loose and I ate whatever I wanted with the person who was interested in me. I did not feel such a need to diet anymore because the guy was into me for me. We ate normally like normal couples- thai food, indian food, greek food, chinese good, you name it. We ate out and cooked at home because food was good to us.
After college I moved back in with my family. It has been the most emotional phase of my life. Losing your freedom and independence that you had for five years. Losing my legal assistant position because it was a “temporary assignment.” I did not know it was unprofessional to ask for more hours…Most of my friends are now busy working with full-time or two jobs. I am the only one unemployed and I blame myself for choosing to be picky in this frighteningly job market. I spend most of my time alone again now- taking dance classes or studying for my political science courses. I do not like being at home because my family hates my eating disorder. They comment that I am too skinny and that I do not eat anything but processed food. My dad says I am going to die in two years and my mom says why do you have an eating disorder, why don’t you eat my food every night, why sometimes only, why you like sugar and junk and not my healthy nutritious food? why are you dieting why are you not being my child? It hurts to see my family this way. The truth is sometimes I like to starve because I like to be in control of my life. My mom has always been in control of me since I was a child- telling me what to eat, what to say, where to go, what to do, etc. I know her worries translate to maternal love, but hey this is my body my life! I am so tired of not knowing what to eat, or rather I just want to eat sugar to feel better about my life right now. I like to snack, I think meals are too big. I want to not eat anything processed but every time I go to the grocery store I can’t stop thinking about processed food. I am scared of food because of my frequent episodes of binging. I notice that sometimes I eat when I am already full or I eat so fast that I can’t even taste the food that I am eating anymore. Sometimes I am so dissatisfied with what I eat, I do not want to eat. Other times I can’t stop eating when I start. I just want to eat normally, but I am afraid to eat in the morning not knowing what will happen at night. I want to get better, I don’t want to always think or talk about food. Life is so much more than that.