Building trust after infidelity

Posted by fabfiftiesfemale @fabfiftiesfemale, Nov 6, 2017

I decided to stay with someone who cheated in the early stages of our relationship, he said he wasn’t ready to be committed, but never shared that with me for the 6 months he was involved with someone else. He knows I don’t trust him because of the things he’s done in the past, so he gave me the code to his phone to listen to his messages (to try to build trust I guess). Before I left on vacation, I told him that my gut still feels like something is wrong and he assured me nothing was. While on vacation without him, he didn’t answer, so I listened to his voicemail and found out he had been talking to an ex girlfriend of 5 years who was married ( which infuriated me) . Both say nothing was going on other than talking, but she begged me not to talk to her husband about it. I was ready to leave, but he talked me into staying again. Feel like I’m living in a soap opera! In both situations, I was hurt beyond belief and it just reinforced my feelings of not being “good enough” In the past, I always picked people I knew I could trust 100% because I knew I would have a hard time dealing with it. Now I’m on anti anxiety meds and antidepressants, which have helped but just not sure I want to start all over again with someone new…

Hello @fabfiftiesfemale
Trust is such a valuable feeling. It’s not until we loose it do we really understand it’s value. It applies to every single aspect of our lives, whether in relationship or work or our medical teams.
It sounds as if you have been dealing with this for quite some time. You mentioned being on medication to help with some coping mechanisms related to this, have you discussed with you Medical team in regards to this and have they suggested and couples counseling?



Thank you for sharing what you are dealing with in your life. I can only imagine what a roller coaster ride this has been for you. The situation raises a few red flags for me. First, your boyfriend should have been responding to you while you were on your trip. Secondly, if he and the past girlfriend were doing nothing wrong she would be fine with her husband knowing. I would tell her husband because his wife is emotionally cheating on him. They need to do some work in their relationship. It is not your job to keep secrets. It is also not your job to babysit your boyfriend’s behavior. I’m sure you’re a lovely woman who can do much better for herself in a different relationship.

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