Awkward moments in doctors’ offices

Posted by elsiecow80 @elsiecow80, Sep 25 9:18am

I guess I’m struggling with the concept of having a perfect scenario and that you can’t control outside factors. I want to be perceived as a perfect ideal parent. I know I want to do my best. But not getting validation is really hard for me, and sometimes when things go sideways and the kids misbehave, and I feel like I fell into power struggle and the trap of being on the down side of a power struggle, I feel ashamed of not being the perfect parent! I go into this downward spiral of being no good and wanting to run, hide. I suppose it is the flight mechanism of getting out of there by means of “it’s not my fault” instead of regaining a calm composure and regaining a regulated sense of self. By then the dismissiveness of the doctors and the inability to listen is really difficult for me to accept without validation. I need to hear “”you’re doing a good job, you need to stop. Don’t be so hard on yourself “ and trying to find that voice inside. Myself is very difficult and almost obsolete. Almost trying to find it anywhere, I possibly can, I think I’ve drained a lot of people by trying to do that. I’m really struggling with doing that for myself. Has anyone ever felt that way and had it start with a simple doctors appointment and just feeling depleted, dysfunctional and incapable??

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gravity3 | @gravity3 | Sep 25 10:04am

First of all..thank you! Thank you for having the courage to talk about your struggle. We need more brave people like you. You are speaking for millions of people who think that they need to be "perfect".

These words helped me.
The best any of us can do is to be good enough. To practice compassion toward ourselves and recognize how much life we can miss by trying to be perfect....whatever the heck that is!
I am a good enough parent.
I am a good enough spouse.
I am a good enough employee
I am a good enough doctor (yup, docs too)
I am a good enough (fill in the blank)

We live with constant media messages that tell us we are
inadequate.....
..marketing to support our crazy capitalist culture.

You are good enough!!!!!!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-parenting-playbook/202412/the-myth-of-the-perfect-parent/amp

mbixler | @mbixler | Sep 25 3:23pm

I didn’t have to deal with this issue, but my oldest sister did. She was the first one of six siblings to have children, so none of us knew how to help her handle these feelings. An aunt told her that you can only do the best that you can do in any moment, and that you need to realize that other people are going to judge you - just as we tend to judge others - and that’s not something you can control. Realize that if you are doing your best, their opinion isn’t valid for your reality. We should strive to improve how we handle situations we currently struggle with, but that doesn’t mean we beat ourselves up in the moment. Give yourself a break and realize that people often judge others for issues they have struggled with themselves. They convince themselves that they handled it better, because things that they look at in the rear mirror, look smaller than they actually were. You’re God’s child, reach out to him and ask for help in dealing with your feelings. You would be amazed by how much he can help you. I am praying, right now, that he will help you with your issues and give you strength. God bless.

celia16 | @celia16 | Sep 26 1:18am

I suspect most people have some anxiety or sensitivity when seeing doctors. They examine our vitals, weight, labs….it can seem rather judgmental. I’m embarrassed if I’ve gained a couple of pounds. Or, if my A1C is higher than I expect. People with type 1 diabetes are extremely concerned with that number and we feel like it’s our fault if it’s not good. Fortunately, I have great endo and primary and they encourage me without judgement.

Your post seems to say that your children’s presence somehow caused this uncomfortable feeling at the doctor’s office. If so, there’s nothing wrong with admitting there’s an issue and ask for assistance. I’ve seen children have meltdowns in public and people stare and then look away. Some feel empathy because we’ve been there before and others think the parent isn’t in control of their child. It happens all the time, so I wouldn’t let it bother me.

I see one specialist who just doesn’t have a pleasant personality. She seems low and gives me no positive feedback. I prepare myself before going in and try to cheer her up. Lol I intend to find a new one as soon as I can. Specialists appointments are difficult to get, though.

gravity3 | @gravity3 | Sep 26 7:12am

If you have time and feel like it, please let us know how you are doing. In the meantime take care. You are not alone.....

nycmusic | @nycmusic | Sep 26 8:02am

You are not alone….so many people, especially women, feel these things about parenting and about dismissive doctors. We tend to blame ourselves for the slightest wrong. That can accumulate , rob us of joy and affect our health….perfect is the enemy of good in many cases….blame, self-blame and guilt take up too much space….i try to forget comparisons and measuring everything negatively….as a now retired performer, i can say that those thoughts really mess with the joy of performing and communicating with others—I learned to walk on stage accepting that there were those who didn’t like me/my work—but mostly, people just wanted some nice music to make their lives a little bit sweeter…..letting go of these pesky negatives leaves more room inside of us to truly enjoy our lives in any possible way. Wishing everyone happier days !

nycmusic | @nycmusic | Sep 26 8:06am

In reply to @nycmusic "You are not alone….so many people, especially women, feel these things about parenting and about dismissive..." + (show)

@nycmusic people aren’t thinking negatives about us as much as we think…they are basically plenty busy dealing with their own issues….dismissive docs stand in the way of healing…sometimes one can engage them, but maybe time is better spent seeking a doc(s) who are positive partners in healing…they can make a huge difference…good luck !

gravity3 | @gravity3 | Sep 26 8:20am

In reply to @nycmusic "@nycmusic people aren’t thinking negatives about us as much as we think…they are basically plenty busy..." + (show)

@nycmusic

It is so true. Others are so wrapped up in their own lives they don't have the time to spend thinking about others.

This is another thing I heard from one of my mentors a long time ago. It set me free.

"What other people think of you is none of your business."

donnademps | @donnademps | Sep 26 8:48am

"What other people think of you is none of your business."

I am going to write this on a paper and post it on my wall where I will see it everyday!
Thanks so much for sharing....

elsiecow80 | @elsiecow80 | Sep 26 2:22pm

I want to thank everyone for all the response, encouragement and positive advice. Everything said is the truth and worthy of the hard work. I’m appreciative of all the experience and strength. I will definitely be putting in the effort.
I am managing much better. I anticipate next visit with much more hope and confidence. Thank you all very much.