Anxiety Will End Me
I’m 17 years old and I don’t know if I’m going to live to be 25. I’m not talking about suicide, I’m talking about my anxiety. I have emetophobia which is the fear of throwing up. I’ve been restricting my diet for the last two years to only pasta and chips. I want to do better and eat healthier, but it feels impossible. I am not brave enough to make a move and I wish my mom cared enough to help me make that move. I know I should be able to make the move myself, but it feels impossible. I’m in therapy but I’m not sure if it’ll help with this. My mind won’t let go of the anxiety. I’m scared my diet will kill me. I’m scared I’m going to die. The way I am living makes me not care if I die. I want to get better but I feel like I can’t do it. Like I’m not capable of it. I know there’s other stuff that’s more serious on these forums. Some people are unable to eat due to chemotherapy or other medical issues. I’m able to eat. I feel selfish for not eating and I’m dumb for not being able to shake this anxiety. I feel trapped in my brain. My doctor won’t take me seriously and has always pointed out how underweight I am. I am aware of it and hate it. My mom won’t find me a new doctor and I’ve found a new one before and she never called them. It’s so hard to go anywhere because I’m so anxious. I’m considering going back on medication again which was hydroxyzine. I just don’t like how at first it makes me feel so sleepy and out of control. I fear throwing up because I’m not sure why it’s happening and I’m out of control of what’s going on. I can’t do anything because I hate being out of control. I just feel like no one cares or takes me seriously. I go to online school because of this. I’ve wasted my teen years being anxious and depressed. I’ve isolated myself and made myself socially awkward because of my phobia. I hate myself for it. Anytime I talk out loud about my feelings I end up laughing a little or smiling because I’m not used to anyone taking me seriously and I’d really like to tell my therapist how I feel helpless and stuff about it but I don’t want to cry in front of her. I don’t know. It’s hard. I don’t want to die.