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Anxiety ruining anyone else's relationships?

Posted by @kjt in Mental Health, Aug 4, 2012

The short of it: As far back as I can remember, I've worried about friends or romantic interests loving me less than I do them. I'm in constant struggle with myself to get/stay content because of this fear I have that the people I love will abandon me. Notably, when I extend an invitation and am turned down I feel horribly rejected, no matter what the reason. Also, when I call or text someone important to me and I don't hear back within what I think is a reasonable amount of time, I panic and go into "they're blowing me off" mode. Then two years ago, my fiance was out with his pals, I expected a text saying he was home but never got one. About 10 minutes after I'd got up to check my phone at 3a to make sure he'd gotten home, the sheriff knocked on my door to tell me my fiance had been in a fatal accident 300 yds from his house. Since then, I am so anxious about contact with people I care about that I smother. Besides the crippling fear of losing someone like that again, I'm alternately thinking I'm being cheated on or will be or my friends are trying to ditch me. I know I'm doing it but can't stop myself from feeling completely crazy when these thoughts start to creep in. One more thing, the anxiety is worst in the morning or late at night. Yes, I'm currently looking for a good counselor for some cognitive behavior therapy and I'd like to avoid medication if at all possible. I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt like this and what they've done, besides therapy, to help alleviate the anxiety. PS- I exercise daily, eat moderately well, and fall asleep with no problem (staying asleep is a different story).

Tags: mental health, Anxiety, abandonment


Posted by @toughingitout, Aug 11, 2012


Yes, I too have issues with anxiety, depression, and relationships. My issues stem from thinking that I'll never be happy and my relationships will never work out.

I can see how your anxiety gets worse when someone passes away though. The fear of losing someone you love makes it just that much harder to get close to anyone again. I've had a lot of friends in the last few years who have moved or our relationship has just changed. It's really hard and takes a toll.

I am taking Cipralex for my depression and anxiety. I am starting cognitive behavioural therapy this week. I really hope that it helps with all the excessive worrying and especially the anxiety attacks. I've been in therapy on and off for years, with varying levels of success. I've read a lot about CBT and it sounds like it might be something that would be good for you, so I do wish you luck with that.

I was hesitant to try medication for a long time, but I think that it's important to recognize when you might need it. You can talk to your doctor or counsellor about this. I tdon't know if this soudns like you, but I worried that it would make me someone who just didn't notice anything or make me numb. Or that it would make me weak to rely on something like medication. But I realize that it's important to get the help that you need. And at the end of hte day, I don't want to feel like this. I hate being anxious and depressed. And I wish that I didn't need the meds or the help, but I do, and that's just part of my life.

I don't know if any of this helps....I hope that it does.


Posted by @newwick, Sep 30, 2012

Hi kjt, I've had to deal with fear all my life and firmly believe the only way to get over it is to confront it which is very anxiety producing. Don't know how you would confront yours because it sounds quite nebulous however since it seems to be in your consciousness most of the time that may not be a problem. Discovered about 12 years ago that I'm paranoid and it sure looks to me, from your conversation, that you are also. If I were you I would look for a behavioral therapist and not a cognative behavioral therapist who, among other things, will try to get you to realign your thoughts to reality. I cannot see how that can possibly lessen your fears. But once your fears are lessened your thoughts will automatically realign themselves. It just so happens klt that I had my own research program which might lessen one's anxiety when they confront their fears and it also might reduce the time needed for therapy. Google DOI:10.4235/psych.2012.38093 and be sure to tell your therapist because it just published and he probably hasn't seen it.
Hope this helps klt.

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