You are the reader, the last free standing empire of human beings who want to view a life not your own as it unfolds upon the pages before you. I assure you that this read will not be for everyone, as nothing usually is. This is my life, and while I am not famous, I am a legend…if only to myself. If you decide to dive into this post, then I suggest you open your mind to the world around you, the world you exist in, the world I exist in, the world we exist in. Who are we, how did we get to where we are, and more importantly can we ever get back. I have been, and am many things, the one thing I am not is, ashamed of my disposition or condition as it me be called. I have a mental illness and am not afraid to admit that.
When I was young, I would hear the term mental illness and think of people with down syndrome or perhaps a learning disability. Xanax tastes bitter does it not? I just took one and the bitterness never gets any less on the taste senses. I have taken to putting them in my mouth and letting them melt away, but I decided against it just now, I dont think I could take the even more bitterness of it. As I type my chest feels tight and I feel as if I cannot catch enough air. Can you relate? I just put a pulse ox on my finger and my heart rate as well as oxygen levels are fine. The mind is powerful and becomes the enemy. We become the victim at times, and the moods change ever so quickly. It is almost 10 PM where I am. I can hear my fingers strike the keys and in the background on television, I can hear relaxing music as some show is on, actually a movie about the journey of a sea turtle. I just glanced up and wonder if his or her life is better than mine at times, looks so peaceful on the screen. The waters so blue. I want to be there. The reality: I went from being able to fly to being scared to fly and hating it, to flying not being an option unless pumped full of something thru an IV and then I am not quite sure. So I will just sit and look at the screen from time to time and pretend that someday, I will be there.
Have you ever looked in the mirror, or just had time to reflect and wonder how did I become this way? What brought me to here? I am far past the point of looking to blame anyone. I made my own decisions in life. I joined the Marines, I decided to go fight for...well nothing really. You see, they cured me for a while. I was like this before, so I do not blame them. If I wanted to blame I would start with the mother who locked me in a closet to have sex with men while my father was at work. I would blame her for leaving me at 3 locked in a car in my car seat and never coming home. The neighbors called the police and my father home from work. I admire my father, his world came undone around him. He loved her. Why? I am not sure. I am past the point of being angry at the people I see out who appear to do normal things that are hard for me at times. Can you relate to that? I used to see the most out of shape people walking around thinking you smoke drink and eat the world away and I do the opposite and I am punished. Was I a bad person in another life? Why did this happen to me? The movie just ended. I would like to replay it but it always seems I cannot find the television remote once I have had it. Can you relate?
I have had anxiety for 11 years or more now. I have been on Xanax 11 years or more. Once a fearless recon combat marine who is reduced to this...this being...this left over shell of something or other. I wanted to say hello to everyone. My apologies as I did not use brevity in doing so.