Addiction and Relationships - guilt and fear.
My husband and I were married 5 years when I found out about his crack cocaine addiction, also he has always been a regular marijuana smoker. When I found out, my whole world shattered. We have 2 small boys aged 4& 6 and I was angry. He had been an addict 8 years prior to this and before I knew him but I thought this was over for him and he told me as much before I ever even agreed to marry him. When I found out he refused rehab, and kept using so I left him. When I left him, I found out that our whole relationship he had done it once or twice a year, and he even at point was doing meth smoking and snorting. Also, he went to the bar every night (Seriously, Monday-Sunday) and stayed out until 2 or 3 am most nights.
Anyway, I left and in a moment of weakness almost 3 months after leaving him I took him back. He had stopped all marijuana and cocaine use, he had steady employment and seemed to be doing well. A condition of our reconciliation was that he not use anymore, at all. Well, he never stopped going to the bar or hanging out with friends. He frequented the bar less, but stayed out late when he did and then I found a text message about buying cocaine. Then after a lot of lies he admitted he had been using since we had gotten back together “once in a while”. Well I left again, and got an apartment. When he realized this he begged me to come, and said that he would change, etc. I relented and let him come because he always says that I’m not there for him, or I don’t take my marriage vows seriously because I left and I leave when times get hard, this is what a marriage is about etc. Now that he is here, I am miserable. I mean he is trying but we have been in this pattern for almost 7 years, and every time I try to leave he straightens up until I let my guard down and then he goes back into the same pattern. I’m not happy with him. I get so angry to even look at him or think about what he did to our family. I hate him for what he did to us – but I feel so guilty leaving which is why I let him stay. I am so depressed when I am around him and I feel so mean and not like myself. When I am not around him I feel just normal and happy.
Is it wrong for me to kick him out? I should mention my name is on the lease and he is not anywhere on the lease. He also only gives me money for half of our childrens daycare, and maybe $100 month and he work outs town during the week.