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Dear Andy,
Please forget about what that family member said about what 'should' have taken place. In the first place, no one KNOWS if that would have prolonged his life even by a few hours.
It sounds as if this family member is the one who truly has a 'problem' with facing death... not the rest of you. I do not say that out of disrespect, but what I feel to be the truth.
Andy, I also don't mean to tell anyone 'what to believe'... but I will share with you what I firmly believe. The soul of your father chooses his own time of when he makes his transition. Some people say 'god does'...but I believe God is IN everyone and everything and not a separate entity. Neither you nor anyone else will determine when he dies....if anyone has had a 'hand in it.' it is because your father's soul/higher consciousness has gone along with that....
Pancreatic cancer is one of the most aggressive and difficult to deal with. To me, he definately belongs in hospice where they will be able to help him deal with what otherwise would be intolerable pain. BLESS YOU ALL for doing what was best for him. Any other 'guilt' is totally self imposed and DOES NOT come from the Loving Spirit of which we are made.
Perhaps soon, no one knows when, your father will re-emerge into total Love and feel WONDERFUL again. Just TRUST you have all done the right thing. I'm sure your father agrees, if he can express that or not.
Much love, understanding, and peace to all of you.
Bettyann
Replies to "Dear Andy, Please forget about what that family member said about what 'should' have taken place...."
You all sound like a most wonderful and amazing family!! Just please know all is well. It really is. I know it can be SO difficult to Let Go of a situation... but it doesn't sound to me as if any of you will 'really' be separated...you are so close.
One of the hardest things to do is to Let Go in your mind....and wish him whatever HE chooses. I have worked with a number of dying patients who seem to patiently wait for the loved ones to Let Him or her go... that is a TRUE act of love. Unconditional Love.
A Chaplain from Swedish Hospital (Denver) told of a man who was dying (hospital room) and he had been surrounded by loving but grieving family...some of whom were saying "Please, Dad, don't leave us" ... Finally, at the suggestion of the Chaplain, they all left and went to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. Only a few minutes passed before the old gent took a big sigh and left his body....feeling free to go. My own mother died within several minutes after I left her hosp. room to make a phone call to my Aunt.
The Chaplain taught our class many valuable lessons, and that was one of the most memorable. Letting Go with Love. Just keep (silently or outloud) wishing your father well and a wonderful time ahead... That kind of love will be so healing to everyone.
Bless and love you all.
There are many books written by hospice nurses who say that the dying choose when they go. If they passed away when you weren't there it's because they didn't want you there or that they wanted to spare you the trauma of being there- that they thought you wouldn't be strong enough to deal with it. Listen to BettyAnn here. She is right on.
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Thank you for your kind response, Bettyann. Perhaps I have reached a point in my journey through this experience where doubt settles in. I was awake at night asking myself if we are doing the right thing. The doubt led me to the Mayo page... thinking perhaps we should have taken him there... perhaps it's the drugs, more than the disease putting him in this condition... perhaps it's a total misdiagnosis... all this was going through my mind.
The doctors diagnosed this terrible disease and I am, perhaps selfishly, thinking I don't want to let him go. Dad is 79, but I had ideas that he'd be with us another ten years or so (just as a round number). There's still so much more to do... with my mom, his kids, his grandchildren.
Dad is strongly guided by his faith and has accepted the disease with grace and honor. He understands what is around the corner. He's been spending conscious time with us relaying his last wishes and conveying what life is really all about for him. It's hard for all of us, to try to get a handle on this when there is so little we can control. Dad's bravery (and Mom's) is carrying all of us. He's being the leader that he always was...
Andy