I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost friends to suicide and it leaves you with such an empty feeling. I just want you to know that you must not blame yourself for anothers actions. You have to accept that a person decided it was too painful to continue existing. I know how that feels and the feeling is ugly and overwhelming. Just make sure that you are taking care of yourself because I don’t think she would want you to toture yourself the way you have been..