Not Scott, but someone who has had both caregiver stress and stress from my own illness. Oh, I tried the pretending route, and you are so right that it is EXHAUSTING - as much as the work of being the caregiver. I found one friend in whom I could confide. Not who I expected, but a rather new friend who had been through some issues herself. She provided that sympathetic, nonjudgmental ear (and shoulder) I needed in the moment. It allowed me to feel enough relief that I then was comfortable being among others. Her best advice to me was "Don't pretend you are fine, your friends know that you are not. Simply say things are very tough right now, I am really struggling. I NEED this break to feel that there is still something good in life. Can we please talk about _______ or something pleasant. If anyone wants to hear my tale of woe, give me a call later."
Wow! two friends called later to express sympathy, and one became my lifeline.
Can you think of one friend or relative who might be your listening ear?
Sue

Hello @naturalebyjas Sorry for the delay in responding, but our daughter had surgery and I was pulling caregiving duties and playing Mr. FixIt for things she needed to have done, but can't yet.

I, too, as learned to be very guarded with my feelings. I believe this is one of those negative aspects of caregiving that are simply part of the package. In my wife's and my case, my reluctance came from two places, which may or may not apply to anyone else's journey, but I share JIC it can help others or perhaps others can relate.

First, I found many folks, especially close family, were fast to criticize my caregiving decisions, even though they were made based on my wife's express desires. I would bristle when I'd get criticized and then not be told why or what they thought might actually be a better path! I even had one of my wife's siblings tell me I should have let my wife die during her time in a coma.

Second, I also was told, or overheard folks saying I was 'complaining' when they'd ask 'how are you' or 'how are things going' and I'd actually tell them it was tough! I came to learn all most folks want to hear is 'We're fine!" do they can feel better themselves -- without doing anything!

These facets of caregiving were what drew me to Connect and their Caregiving community since it was far more nonjudgmental than those folks around me. Plus the isolation was broken through Connect. My wife's disease caused to her have many emotional and mental issues and this scared away the vast majority of our long-time friends -- manyfor several decades. In the end, my wife had one friend who stuck with her and I had one. Both were geographically remote, but we're very supportive and both never judgemental. In that way were very lucky. During those years I often recalled my father-in-law's old adage "if you can count your friends on one hand, you are truly lucky."

I wish you continued Strength, Courage, & Peace -- and remember superheroes only exist in the comics -- not caregiving!

Hi JW,
I hear you about the stress caused by your husband lashing out. My husband has had blood cancer, a serious lung infection and a stroke. He was in fairly good shape until the stroke and then because of the location in the brain that the stroke affected he became very morose and angry. Because I am the only person he sees it all lands on me and I think I understand exactly how you feel about telling friends what is really happening. I don't want to load them with my troubles. I tried to explain his behavior to my daughters but they don't want to or can't hear. It made me feel very alone which is one reason I decided to join this support group. I am struggling too and feeling inadequate because I can't figure it out, so what I do is just remind myself that I am okay right now! in the moment, and I'll let the next moment take care of itself. I pray--for all of us who find ourselves in frightening and exhausting situations. I remember that one foundational truth of life is that everything changes, and often for the better. I am grateful for every morning, for beauty and kindness wherever I find it. Hang in there and I will be hanging there with you 🙂