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I feel unworthy. How did you deal with mental health after transplant?
Transplants | Last Active: Sep 27, 2021 | Replies (9)Comment receiving replies
@gingerw thanks for your response. I am under the care of a psych dr, and am in the process of switching therapists at the moment. I haven't brought up this particular topic, though I did discuss my grief over my donor with my previous therapist. I was unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion about my grief. Im just hoping I will be able to accept and get over it with time. Its difficult to discuss these things because very few people understand, and I'm afraid of the platitudes that many people will (and have) offered.
I spoke to a peer mentor from the National Kidney Foundation about this topic( I've been speaking with her about twice a month) and she did her best to reassure me and provide encouragement. The problem is thats the words of encouragement just seem to bounce off.
Identifying what specific thing I could do to honor my donor is difficult. I have a lot of ideas about what I should be doing-- exersizing more, eating better, being more productive, just being happier and more content with my life--but they are vague and driven by an odd sense of guilt. Which makes me not want to do them at all.
I just feel like I should be happier, I shouldn't struggle so much with my mental health. I feel like my donor and their family would be disappointed in me because I still struggle to find motivation to do simple things. I know part of this is probably depression, and it is an issue I'm in the process of addressing with my psychiatrist. But I just feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do, because I've been given this incredible gift.
I guess I almost thought getting a kidney would solve a lot of my problems. And it did to some extent. But life is still life. And there are still struggles and issues to deal with. I suppose I just thought being healthier( i.e not being on dialysis) would make things better, easier, more simple.
Expectation and reality are often at odds. I just need to figure out how to get rid of this guilt that I'm carrying around, and then I truly feel like I can embrace this gift--and my life as a whole. I am just not sure how to do that yet.
Replies to "@gingerw thanks for your response. I am under the care of a psych dr, and am..."
Hi Shepn, I like the guidance that @gingerw offers about turning the feelings of unworthiness into action - but action in small steps. You made a rather long list of things you think you should be doing. It's a big list and perhaps daunting. Let's take one bite at a time.
Choose 1 goal - something that you will be successful with. I suggest starting with something that gets you moving. How about this?
I promise to get up every morning and get dressed in my walking clothes.
That's it! That just may be enough for a while. I did this and eventually I started to go for short walks in the morning. Heck, I was dressed for it. Why not go?
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I received a stem cell transplant from a donor in Germany, a 21 year old college student who cared enough about an anonymous person with leukemia. I wasn’t worthy of his sacrifice that ultimately saved my life. I am focusing on feeling grateful and expressing it to my donor and his family. I met my donor and his dad, and probably didn’t measure up to their expectations of me. I know that receiving a transplant brings on a lot of different new emotions in us. I try to focus on the positive ones.