1. < Women's Health

Broken Hearted, What can I do?

Posted by Native Floridian @nativefloridian, Oct 24, 2011

Is it really necessary to allow oneself to be mistreated for the sake of commitment? My heart aches because the man I am with is abusive. His mood swings often come in the early to late evening when he is tired. His eyes glaze over and he is angrier than anyone I have ever known. I don't know what happened to him but he says things about his past that scare me sometimes. He won't talk about it but he gets hateful at times and very mean. It is almost like he is taking it out on me, whatever bad things he has been through in his life.Although he does not physically abuse me, he does say alot of things that are very insulting, hurtful and mean when he is angry.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have taken him to medical doctors, psychologists and marriage counseling. He acts like a responsible adult during the daytime but when he is alone in the home with me things change. Sometimes it is like I live with a drug addict or someone with multiple personaility traits. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I told him tonight after he lambbasted me again (out of the blue) that I do not want him to scream at me and point his finger in my face ever again. He scares me sometimes. It is difficult to love this man anymore. My heart was broken years ago when he first started this, now it is just numb.

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enanas | @enanas | Nov 10, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I think this reply is irresponsible and wrong. The assumptions here may be projections or imagination at play. This response, Delia, invalidates the trauma this woman is experiencing by writing off what she has said, ignoring her feelings/pain/suffering, and making up scenarios that are absurd. How do you know this man was honest when they got married? How do you know this woman believed marriage would change this "honest" man? Who are you to pretend you know anything about this woman's intentions, reasons for marriage, or current position. Her last line indicates that her husband's behavior came about a few years ago and thus her pain and agony should be recognized by your own standards of issues regarding choice. If you choose to respond to this post, please don't use all caps and please reflect before you write. I understand that it is difficult to be criticized in any forum. At the same time, this forum should be supportive and should not be blaming people seeking help, support, and advice. So, all caps and response that is clearly not thought out would be a waste of your time and our time. Please rethink and please figure out a way to be supportive. I am sure everyone here would appreciate that.

REPLY
enanas | @enanas | Nov 10, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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Don't pay attention to anything from Delia on this issue. Bravo for your comment that this person has things quite mixed up. I'd ignore any further posts from this person. I hope you are getting help in this forum.

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Native Floridian | @nativefloridian | Nov 11, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I think I understand better where Delia is coming from after reading her lengthy reply. I have been unusually stressed this week because things have escalated, the man stated he was 'moving out and getting my own place' on Monday evening. He disappeared for over 24 hours and then returned to our home. He has not spoken one word to me and continues to keep all of his clothing packed on his bed. I am waiting to see if he is moving out tomorrow since he has the day off.

REPLY
Native Floridian | @nativefloridian | Nov 11, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I understand better where you are coming from and you raise questions that I feel are very valid for my situation. I appreciate the fact that you apologized although I am not sure that you needed to. I apologize for being rude, if I was. I have been very upset this week and know that my writings have not been very positive. I have suffered some trauma that I did not realize until this week. I have been repeatedly threatened with divorce and the emotional and verbal abuse has gotten to me. Symptoms of depression have been lingering as I struggle with the situation. I am seeking professional advice and do appreciate your concern and comments. I hope you will continue to follow this thread.

REPLY
Native Floridian | @nativefloridian | Nov 11, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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Also, typing in caps is considered yelling when you are online, in case you didn't realize that. I am overlooking it this time because I understand that this blog has gotten a bit emotional and I do appreciate everyone supporting me and giving me advice because it is very helpful. I am basically alone in my home with this man most of the time and he is not like this with others outside of our home, so no one else sees it. I have contacted his family and made them aware of our situation so they will not be too surprised when living arrangements change.

REPLY
Native Floridian | @nativefloridian | Nov 11, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

Jump to this post

I appreciate your comments and concern but I am taking into consideration everything that is written on this blog because it is all helping me. My situation is traumatic and it has affected me in ways that I did not expect. I am usually very happy and I have had symptoms of depression lately which I have sought treatment for. Unfortunately, long term effects of this type of stress upon me will continue unless we stop living together. Since he is not willing to change and continues to give me silent treatment and threats of divorce, it is time for me to make a change. I will seek professional help tomorrow and do what is best for my health, as I am unable to assist him in his health related concerns any further without it being detrimental to me. I do love this man but I do not love his behavior and he must learn that life is not about just him and if he is incapable of loving me any more then that I must accept. Some people can not love others when they are so wrapped up in themselves. Sad, but true.

REPLY
Native Floridian | @nativefloridian | Nov 11, 2011
In reply to @enanas "People who behave as you describe your husband do not change when the behavior is long..." + (show)
@enanas

People who behave as you describe your husband do not change when the behavior is long term and no treatment is available. While I respect the sanctity of marriage, it sounds like it is time for you to take care of yourself by seeking your own counselor and an attorney. You may also invest in a voice recording device (I like Olympic) to begin privately documenting your husband's abusive behavior. You'll want to be careful that you set up the recorder so that it does not make any sounds at all when you are using it (e.g., no beeps when the recorder is turned on/off and no sound if "play" is accidentally hit). You need a recorder that you can sync to your computer and you need to make sure that the files are password protected and hidden. The files will be large. You will also want some kind of external hard drive to back up your recordings weekly. Make sure to keep the external hard drive at a trusted friend's house or family member. DO NOT allow your husband to know what you are doing. These files will be important to share with your lawyer and will also be useful with counseling. When you live with a person like your husband you might start doubting yourself or reality. It is very important to keep records for yourself so that you are able to know that your trauma is completely real. In addition to recording events I would also set up a private email address that only you know about and use this to keep a written journal of events. You will just write out your "journal entry" in an email that you send to yourself at the same email. These records will also be very important in helping you obtain the care and support you need to leave your husband or to have your husband removed from your home. Wishing you well. EN

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I thank you for this advice, as I will be consulting a professional tomorrow and will decide with that advice what steps to take to protect myself. Your advice is good and I will keep all of this in mind as I proceed with action to protect my own sanity. I can no longer care for this individual unless he goes into treatment and I doubt that is going to happen. He will not change his behavior, he has made it clear to me that we will not be "making up" this time and I am not inclined to "make up" only to repeat the same cycle and pattern of abuse. I have enabled his abuse of me because i thought that the side affects of his medication should be overlooked becfause I agreed to marry him knowing his illness and his medication. I just didn't realizze to what extent prolonged use of prednisone coupled with repressed anger could affect his behavior so drastically. It is very unfortunate and I am not in a position to be a punching bag any more. Thanks so much for all of your comments and concern too. I really appreciate you ladies for giving me so much to think about and to support me during a very lonely time.

REPLY
DELIA SANDERSON | @deliasanderson | Nov 11, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

Jump to this post

HELLO, NATIVE FLORIDIAN, I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT'S JUST EASIER WITH THIS NEW COMP AS IT HAS ALL DIFFERENT KEYS THAT I DON'T GET YET. IF I WERE TO BOTHER CHANGING TO LOWER CASE WHEN I SHOULD, I DOUBT I'D GET ANY LETTER OFF. IT WOULD INTERFERE WITH MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. THIS WAY, I WRITE THE SAME AS I WOULD TALK. NO I DIDN'T REALIZE IT MEANS YELLING. IN THIS CASE IT HAS NO INTENTION OF THAT. I HAVE AN ONGOING RESPONSIBILITY AND A LOT OF DISTURBANCE SO I DO HAVE TO GET MY THOUGHTS DOWN QUICKLY. I DO REFLECT BEFORE I WRITE WHILE I TEND TO MY RESPONSIBILITY.

SO SOMETHING MAY DEFINITELY CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE TODAY. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO APPROACH THIS? ECKHART TOLLE IS EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING. HE HAS ALL THESE 2 MIN. VIDEOS THAT ARE FREE TO VIEW ONLINE AND THEY REALLY HAVE GIVEN SOLACE TO MY SOUL IN DIFFICULT TIMES. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH HIM. IT'S NOT ANY RELIGION THAT I AM PUSHING, IT'S MORE OF FOCUSSING ON THE NOW AND STANDING BACK TO VIEW YOUR THOUGHTS OBJECTIVELY AND CARRYING OUT ACTIONS THAT YOU CHOOSE RATHER THAN BEING DRIVEN BY A CERTAIN EMOTION/HORMONE. IT CERTAINLY IS NOT A ROBOTIC PHILOSOPHY, AS THE STRESS IS ON 'JOY' AND OPERATING FROM THAT STANCE RATHER THAN ALLOWING SUFFERING TO DICTATE ACTION. HE HAS DIFFERENT TOPICS SO YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT'S RELEVANT TO YOU NOW. TAKE CARE, AND I HOPE YOU MANAGE TO UNCOVER YOUR JOY THAT HAS GOTTEN BURIED WITH ALL THE UNPLEASANTNESS OF YOUR REALITY. ONE LAST THING, ECKHART'S PERSONAL JOURNEY FROM THE TIME HE WAS A BUM ON A BENCH AND IN ONE MOMENT HE MAKES THE REALIZATION THAT THE REASON WE LIVE IS FOR THAT JOY. SO HE REALIZES THE SELF HE HATES IS ALL THE PROBLEMS HE'S FOCUSSED ON AND HE'S NEGLECTING HIS TRUE SELF, HIS REAL SELF, THAT ONE THAT IS DRIVEN BY JOY AND HAPPINESS ALONE. IT WAS AFTER THAT HE WROTE HIS FIRST BOOK AND HE'S WRITTEN SO MANY BY NOW. IT TAKES EFFORT, SOMETIMES GREAT EFFORT TO MAINTAIN THIS FOCUS BUT I FOUND IT REALLY HELPS ME TO STAY POSITIVE AND SEPARATE FROM OTHERS' PROBLEMS. WITH THIS ATTITUDE, I AM ACTUALLY, I THINK, CAPABLE OF HELPING OTHERS WITH THEIR PROBLEMS BUT I DON'T MAKE THEM MINE.

I ENJOYED YOUR LAST COMMENTS. COMMUNICATION DOES REQUIRE FEEDBACK BOTH WAYS. HOPEFULLY, YOUR INNER STRENGTH KICKS IN IN MOMENTS OF NEED. DELIA

REPLY
DELIA SANDERSON | @deliasanderson | Nov 13, 2011

hi, i'm sure the therapy will help because you want it to.

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1 reply
Native Floridian | @nativefloridian | Nov 13, 2011
In reply to @deliasanderson "you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still..." + (show)
@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

Jump to this post

Thanks for the feedback. I like Eckhart Tolle too. I like your attitude too. I too try to keep a positive attitude. it is not always so easy in the midst of adversity. The distractions of another's problems coupled with being a target for anger can be an extremely difficult situation.

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