If he was so honest, then why didn't he do what he said he was going to do? He promised he would go through with therapy for his "anger issues". He quit going as soon as he started to talk with the therapist about his angry feelings. Therapy doesn't 'change' someone's personality. I married the man because I loved him for who he was and his anger has turned him into someone I didn't marry. I think you've got it backwards and probably should learn more about therapy before you critique someone, Delia..

I'M UNCERTAIN AS TO WHOM I CRITIQUED. I MADE 2 DEDUCTIONS BASED ON YOUR LETTER. IF SOMEONE HAS A CHRONIC LIVER DISEASE, FOR EXAMPLE, THEY CAN GO FOR THERAPY AND GET MEDICATION, ETC...IF THEY FIND THEY CAN'T COPE, THEY WILL STOP. THE DISEASE GETS THE BETTER OF THEM DUE TO EITHER A LACK OF COURAGE OR A HORMONE THAT IS IN EXCESS QUANTITY OR TOO LIMITED QUANTITY, ETC... ALL I SAID WAS THAT HIS ANGER WAS EXPOSED TO YOU BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM AND YOU DID HAVE CONCERNS THEN BUT YOUR LOVE WAS GREATER THAN YOUR WORRIES. NOW THE DISEASE/CONDITION/PERSONALITY DISORDER OR, WHATEVER IS THE ROOT CAUSE, SEEMS TO BE GETTING THE BETTER OF YOU AND YOUR CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL ARE GREATER THAN ANY LOVE FOR HIM. YOU'RE THINKING OF QUITTING THAT PROJECT, YOUR MARRIAGE. SO THAT REMARK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND BEING HONEST WAS TO CITE HIS LACK OF 'PHONINESS' AS HIS PREDISPOSITION TO ANGER/FRUSTRATION/ANXIETY WAS REVEALED TO YOU IN THE EARLY STAGES OF YOUR RELATIONHIP. YOU DID NOT MARRY A SIR WALTER RALEIGH WHO SUDDENLY SHOWED ALL SIGNS OF AN ANGRY HOSTILE SPOUSE AS SOON AS HE BECAME YOUR HUSBAND. HIS ANGER ISSUES ARE NOT ABOUT YOU, THAT'S THE BAGGAGE HE BROUGHT INTO THE MARRIAGE AND HE DID DISCLOSE THIS TO YOU. HIS INABILITY TO CONTINUE ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT FOR IT IN THE PRESENT OR SHORTLY AFTER THE MARRIAGE, IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S HIS OWN DISEASE/CONDITION/PERSONALITY DISORDER/HORMONAL IMBALANCE THAT IS WEIGHING HIM DOWN, IT SEEMS EVEN MORE OVER TIME. HE IS BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY SOMETHING HE CANNOT GET ENOUGH CONTROL OVER TO GET HIM TO A THERAPIST; YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY HIS PROBLEMS. YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HELP AND I JUST THOUGHT, SINCE YOU ASKED, I'D SEND REFLECTIONS AND QUESTIONS YOUR WAY, BUT NO ANSWERS AND NO JUDGMENT. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND ONLY YOU, AND YOU ALONE, CAN NAVIGATE WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO NURTURE. WHEN YOU STEER YOUR OWN SHIP, WHICH IS, I WOULD IMAGINE, THE MAIN GOAL OF EVERY ADULT, YOU NURTURE YOURSELF FIRST AND THEN THE FLOW OF THAT CARE REACHES OUT TO THOSE AROUND YOU. YOU DECIDE WITH THIS FLOW OF ENERGY 'HOW' TO LOVE THOSE AROUND YOU. IT'S IMPORTANT NOT TO FEEL GUILTY IF THERE IS REJECTION AS THAT IS LOVE IN ITSELF, SEEING THAT THAT PERSON IS SEPARATE FROM YOU. IF YOUR LIFE'S AMBITIONS AND ACTIONS ARE PHYSICALLY BLOCKED OR EMOTIONALLY HAMPERED BY THE INFLUENCE OF ANOTHER, THEN QUESTIONS ABOUT EXPOSING YOUR JOYFUL SELF/SAD SELF TO THEM ON AN ONGOING DAILY BASIS IS LIKE HITTING YOUR HEAD INTO A WALL AND EXPECTING IT TO FEEL BETTER ON THE NEXT ATTEMPT. SOMEONE GREAT (INDIRA GHANDI?) SAID 'you be the change' . YOUR LETTER SHOWED THIS IS THE WAY YOU WERE THINKING, YOU COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

THE SECOND COMMENT WHICH I PUT IN QUESTION FORM WAS WHAT CAUSED THE CHANGE IN YOU? THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF YOU, SOME COULD TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT. IF YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZED YOU DESERVED BETTER AND YOU ARE CAPABLE OF BEING A BETTER PERSON/HAPPIER AND LOVING WITHOUT HIM, THEN THIS CAN BE A MOVE IN ANOTHER DIRECTION OF YOUR CHOICE. IF YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE BECAUSE HE WAS NOT HELPING HIMSELF, YOU HAVE FINALLY PUT THE ONUS ON HIM AND ONLY HIM TO BETTER HIMSELF AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN MISERIES (AND JOYS) AND NOT GET SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM OF BLAME. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO PUT THE EMPHASIS ON YOURSELF, YOUR OWN GOALS, COMPLETING YOUR OWN DREAMS AND LEAVING HIM BEHIND INSTEAD OF CONTINUUING TO HELP HIM AND FEELING DRAINED OF ENERGY FOR YOUR EFFORTS . A QUESTION IS NOT A CRITIQUE. IT IS THROUGH QUESTIONS FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, ACQUAINTANCES, THERAPISTS, THAT YOU CLARIFY YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND GET CONNECTED WITH YOUR OWN CREATIVITY ABOUT LIFE. A CONCERNED PERSON CAN ASK TOUGH QUESTIONS BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BOTHER WITH THE QUESTION OR ENTERTAIN IT WITH AN ANSWER. A FEELING PERSON KNOWS IT'S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PERSPECTIVES AND DOESN'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER BUT THEY REFLECT ON YOUR CHOSEN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION THAT YOU INVITE THEM INTO. IF YOU ARE GIVING INFORMATION AND SEEKING INPUT ONLINE, IT IS NOT OUT OF LINE FOR SOMEONE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS/THOUGHTS OR COMMENT ON THEM. YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN THIS WORLD, AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO KEEP IN YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOU WANT TO GET RID OF. WILL HE BE IN THE CREATIVE PROCESS OF YOUR OWN LIFE OR DO YOU FEEL YOUR CANVAS WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM? THIS BOILS DOWN TO HOW VITAL A PART OF YOUR LIFE HE IS AND CAN YOU DRAW AND COLOR ON THAT CANVAS MORE FLOWINGLY WITHOUT HIM? YOU, AND ONLY YOU, CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION. LIFE CHANGES EVERY MINUTE AND WE CAN EMBRACE THE NOTION OF CHANGE AND DEAL WITH IT OR WE CAN RUN FROM IT AND THINK IT'S THE WAY IT WAS.
ARE YOU IN THE PRESENT MOMENT? HE IS WHO HE IS WITH HIS ANGER ISSUES THAT WERE ROOTED BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE WITH LOVE FOR HIM ROOTED BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. DO YOU WANT HIM TO LESSEN HIS ANGER ISSUES? THIS FOCUS IS JUST GOING NOWHERE AND YOU SAY YOU ARE BASICALLY IN LIMBO WITH THIS. SECONDLY, CAN YOU MOVE ON TO A LESS STRESSFUL PLACE OR ARE YOU STUCK IN THE PAST?

IF YOU LEAVE HIM, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOUR LOVE WASN'T OR ISN'T REAL, IT JUST MEANS THAT YOU LOVE LIFE AND YOU WANT A BETTER TOMORROW. HE CAN BE A REAL PART OF YOUR MEMORIES AND EXPOSURE TO HIM ON A LESS FREQUENT BASIS OR NO BASIS MAY BE THE ANSWER.

IF YOU STAY WITH HIM, AND YOU STAY THE SAME AND HE STAYS THE SAME, YOU WILL GET MORE OF THE SAME. IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

I APOLOGIZE IF YOU FELT THERE WAS ANY JUDGMENT IN MY RESPONSE
YOU PUT IT OUT THERE, AND AS A LAY PERSON, GAVE MY HONEST FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION, TAKING NO SIDES.

GOOD LUCK IN YOUR LIFE'S DECISIONS. DELIA SANDERSON

I think this reply is irresponsible and wrong. The assumptions here may be projections or imagination at play. This response, Delia, invalidates the trauma this woman is experiencing by writing off what she has said, ignoring her feelings/pain/suffering, and making up scenarios that are absurd. How do you know this man was honest when they got married? How do you know this woman believed marriage would change this "honest" man? Who are you to pretend you know anything about this woman's intentions, reasons for marriage, or current position. Her last line indicates that her husband's behavior came about a few years ago and thus her pain and agony should be recognized by your own standards of issues regarding choice. If you choose to respond to this post, please don't use all caps and please reflect before you write. I understand that it is difficult to be criticized in any forum. At the same time, this forum should be supportive and should not be blaming people seeking help, support, and advice. So, all caps and response that is clearly not thought out would be a waste of your time and our time. Please rethink and please figure out a way to be supportive. I am sure everyone here would appreciate that.

Don't pay attention to anything from Delia on this issue. Bravo for your comment that this person has things quite mixed up. I'd ignore any further posts from this person. I hope you are getting help in this forum.

I think I understand better where Delia is coming from after reading her lengthy reply. I have been unusually stressed this week because things have escalated, the man stated he was 'moving out and getting my own place' on Monday evening. He disappeared for over 24 hours and then returned to our home. He has not spoken one word to me and continues to keep all of his clothing packed on his bed. I am waiting to see if he is moving out tomorrow since he has the day off.

I understand better where you are coming from and you raise questions that I feel are very valid for my situation. I appreciate the fact that you apologized although I am not sure that you needed to. I apologize for being rude, if I was. I have been very upset this week and know that my writings have not been very positive. I have suffered some trauma that I did not realize until this week. I have been repeatedly threatened with divorce and the emotional and verbal abuse has gotten to me. Symptoms of depression have been lingering as I struggle with the situation. I am seeking professional advice and do appreciate your concern and comments. I hope you will continue to follow this thread.

Also, typing in caps is considered yelling when you are online, in case you didn't realize that. I am overlooking it this time because I understand that this blog has gotten a bit emotional and I do appreciate everyone supporting me and giving me advice because it is very helpful. I am basically alone in my home with this man most of the time and he is not like this with others outside of our home, so no one else sees it. I have contacted his family and made them aware of our situation so they will not be too surprised when living arrangements change.

I appreciate your comments and concern but I am taking into consideration everything that is written on this blog because it is all helping me. My situation is traumatic and it has affected me in ways that I did not expect. I am usually very happy and I have had symptoms of depression lately which I have sought treatment for. Unfortunately, long term effects of this type of stress upon me will continue unless we stop living together. Since he is not willing to change and continues to give me silent treatment and threats of divorce, it is time for me to make a change. I will seek professional help tomorrow and do what is best for my health, as I am unable to assist him in his health related concerns any further without it being detrimental to me. I do love this man but I do not love his behavior and he must learn that life is not about just him and if he is incapable of loving me any more then that I must accept. Some people can not love others when they are so wrapped up in themselves. Sad, but true.

HELLO, NATIVE FLORIDIAN, I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT'S JUST EASIER WITH THIS NEW COMP AS IT HAS ALL DIFFERENT KEYS THAT I DON'T GET YET. IF I WERE TO BOTHER CHANGING TO LOWER CASE WHEN I SHOULD, I DOUBT I'D GET ANY LETTER OFF. IT WOULD INTERFERE WITH MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. THIS WAY, I WRITE THE SAME AS I WOULD TALK. NO I DIDN'T REALIZE IT MEANS YELLING. IN THIS CASE IT HAS NO INTENTION OF THAT. I HAVE AN ONGOING RESPONSIBILITY AND A LOT OF DISTURBANCE SO I DO HAVE TO GET MY THOUGHTS DOWN QUICKLY. I DO REFLECT BEFORE I WRITE WHILE I TEND TO MY RESPONSIBILITY.

SO SOMETHING MAY DEFINITELY CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE TODAY. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO APPROACH THIS? ECKHART TOLLE IS EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING. HE HAS ALL THESE 2 MIN. VIDEOS THAT ARE FREE TO VIEW ONLINE AND THEY REALLY HAVE GIVEN SOLACE TO MY SOUL IN DIFFICULT TIMES. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH HIM. IT'S NOT ANY RELIGION THAT I AM PUSHING, IT'S MORE OF FOCUSSING ON THE NOW AND STANDING BACK TO VIEW YOUR THOUGHTS OBJECTIVELY AND CARRYING OUT ACTIONS THAT YOU CHOOSE RATHER THAN BEING DRIVEN BY A CERTAIN EMOTION/HORMONE. IT CERTAINLY IS NOT A ROBOTIC PHILOSOPHY, AS THE STRESS IS ON 'JOY' AND OPERATING FROM THAT STANCE RATHER THAN ALLOWING SUFFERING TO DICTATE ACTION. HE HAS DIFFERENT TOPICS SO YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT'S RELEVANT TO YOU NOW. TAKE CARE, AND I HOPE YOU MANAGE TO UNCOVER YOUR JOY THAT HAS GOTTEN BURIED WITH ALL THE UNPLEASANTNESS OF YOUR REALITY. ONE LAST THING, ECKHART'S PERSONAL JOURNEY FROM THE TIME HE WAS A BUM ON A BENCH AND IN ONE MOMENT HE MAKES THE REALIZATION THAT THE REASON WE LIVE IS FOR THAT JOY. SO HE REALIZES THE SELF HE HATES IS ALL THE PROBLEMS HE'S FOCUSSED ON AND HE'S NEGLECTING HIS TRUE SELF, HIS REAL SELF, THAT ONE THAT IS DRIVEN BY JOY AND HAPPINESS ALONE. IT WAS AFTER THAT HE WROTE HIS FIRST BOOK AND HE'S WRITTEN SO MANY BY NOW. IT TAKES EFFORT, SOMETIMES GREAT EFFORT TO MAINTAIN THIS FOCUS BUT I FOUND IT REALLY HELPS ME TO STAY POSITIVE AND SEPARATE FROM OTHERS' PROBLEMS. WITH THIS ATTITUDE, I AM ACTUALLY, I THINK, CAPABLE OF HELPING OTHERS WITH THEIR PROBLEMS BUT I DON'T MAKE THEM MINE.

I ENJOYED YOUR LAST COMMENTS. COMMUNICATION DOES REQUIRE FEEDBACK BOTH WAYS. HOPEFULLY, YOUR INNER STRENGTH KICKS IN IN MOMENTS OF NEED. DELIA

Thanks for the feedback. I like Eckhart Tolle too. I like your attitude too. I too try to keep a positive attitude. it is not always so easy in the midst of adversity. The distractions of another's problems coupled with being a target for anger can be an extremely difficult situation.