I know this is long, but I think I need help. Someone please read

Posted by Manni @keltothemoon, Feb 5, 2021

Hi, so um, not exactly sure what I'm expecting from this but here we go lol. So ever since I was about 14 (I'm 18 now), I've struggled with my headspace being a mess. All over the place, I mean. From age 13 to about 15, I struggled on and off with a certain addiction I don't want to get into, and I've always been an extremely disorganized person. Well around late 14, I was trying hard to quit my addiction and even got to the point that I considered myself worthless, and tried (though I will say extremely half-heartedly) suicide. I don't know what caused it. I have a great life. Parents that love each other, and two sisters who are great. We live in the suburbs and have never been at any kind of disadvantage besides the fact that we're Black (and even then it's not like everyone is out to send us back into slavery lol). I just felt worthless. Well, I didn't go through with it and continued to struggle. I finally beat my addiction about midway through being 15 (thank God), but by 16 I noticed a pattern. I would have moments of feeling like things were gonna work out and that everything was fine, but those moments rarely lasted long and were often overshadowed by feelings of highs and lows. At around that same time, I first heard of Bipolar disorder, but immediately shrugged it off because the internet said that if I had it, I would be a lot more manic or depressed, and I didn't want to claim a mental disorder if I didn't have one. So I buried it. But the mood swings continued. Midway through being 17, those swings worsened. I would be happy for a week at a time feel like I could do anything! I was efficient in school, I had fallen in love with a girl (who is currently my girlfriend, and things are going great, thanks for asking), and I was finally doing great in football. But then like being hit by a semi-truck carrying a ton of bricks, I would be sad. Like really sad. I felt like nothing was going right and nothing could help. Those stability moments were getting shorter and shorter. Then 2020 hit. I'm not going to go into detail because I could honestly write a whole book on that. But by May, I had gone through more mood swings than I could remember. I cried more last year than I probably had the last 5 years combined. I didn't see my friends or my girlfriend (who at the time was just my crush) for about 3 months and I felt hopeless with all the death. Then, out of nowhere, I felt stable again. And then, once again out of nowhere, I felt a little bit of a high, but then George Floyd died. And then when all the division started, and I sided with the side that fought for racial equality, I saw that not everyone I once called a friend, was really a friend. Then June hit, and football started summer workouts and I was killing it in my summer class and things were going well with my crush. I felt great and on a high for a couple of weeks, and then came down to what was my longest period of feeling stable I've had in the last calendar year. Then more division and dissension occurred, and I was back down. By the time my senior football season had started (early September), I had gone back stable. School hit, and we started losing, and I started to feel anxiety about any and everything, including pressure to make things official with my crush (I'm a Christian so there's a process for us lol). But then I did it. I made things official, we started winning games, I was getting college interest, grades were good. I can go on and on about all the different swings (sorry that I have up to this point), but imma stop. Now it's Feb, and I don't know where I'm at. Sometimes I feel great and like things are amazing, but at other times I feel hopeless. Sometimes I'm irritable and rude to my family for no reason at all, and even when they're asking me why I'm so rude, I outwardly shrug it off, but inwardly wonder why I am. When I'm on a high, I can go 2 weeks straight with only 4 hours of sleep a night, but when I'm on a low (which I have been for the last 2 weeks), I can't sleep right. At all. The insomnia is INSANE and I haven't had a good sleep in a while. And now I have the ACT tomorrow and a ton of work due and I'm stressing out and feel like breaking down. I haven't had what I considered a mental breakdown since November. It was terrible and I was crying and felt like I was going insane. I need to get better because it's affecting my work and relationships, and I can come off as rude to people who don't deserve it, and that I love very much. I'm scared to talk to my parents about this cause they're very practical and will think I'm being dramatic. They'll tell me to pray and move on, WHICH BY THE WAY I'M NOT KNOCKING, BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN AND TRULY BELIEVE IN GOD AND WHAT HE CAN DO AND I DO PRAY ALL THE TIME AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO (sorry for all of that just had to make sure that point got across lol). I believe that God provides peace, but I also believe that He knows that people have mental disorders and has given man the knowledge on how to help them. I haven't told anybody about this ever. Not about the mood swings, about the suicidal thoughts years ago, the breakdowns, or my suspicions. Speaking of my suspicions, I don't actually think I'm bipolar. I don't really have extreme manic episodes and I don't think my symptoms are as extreme. I think I have cyclothymia, which, believe it or not, I just found out about today. I'm concerned though, because this could turn to Bipolar according to the Mayo Clinic (I think is who said it), and could continue to cause harm to my life. I match up with most symptoms listed on about every site I could find (though my highs and lows seem to be a bit shorter than the ones I've seen talked about), and I really think I have it. Or that I'm going crazy and that I shouldn't self-diagnose.

All that to ask: what the heck am I supposed to do. I need help. I need guidance. Someone who won't shrug it off. Should I talk with my parents? My sisters? My friends? My girlfriend? A therapist? If I'm going to go see someone about this, then I'd have to talk to my parents, which I'm scared to do. Is this something that gets helped through therapy? Time? Medication? A mix of all 3? I just need answers because I'm tired of having questions. Also I'm just tired. Someone please help me. God bless.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

Hi Manni. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My daughter is too, and I know how scary and depressing it can be. I agree with everyone else; find a therapist. It won't happen overnight; it's a process and like you've already experienced, it comes and goes. So go talk to one, and know that you may have to go back again at a later time. God Bless You!! I'll be praying for you!

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@keltothemoon You are awesome! You have expressed to us what so many young people go through. You have the insight to be reaching out for help, which is the first step towards feeling/getting better.

A couple of things to consider as you start along this path you have opened up for yourself. If it sounds like I am rambling, it is because my mind is charging ahead faster that my typing speed LOL Rule out any physical issues. Are you on any medications? Aim for a good physical exam to establish that there are no organic issues at play here. And while you are there, open up to the dr about your concerns. Remember, as a young man, you still have hormones laying foundation in your body, and that may contribute to your symptoms. Understandably, at this age, you are worried/concerned/ excited about where you will be heading after high school, and choices to be made. Like @artscaping, I am old too, but I can still recall the sea of possibilities and OMG! how do I make a decision? Where is that crystal ball so I can see what is the right path so I do not fail. You see, the pressure we and society put on us to succeed can be so great, we buckle under it.

Okay. Now, as far as telling your parents. You will make the right decision on the "how" you tell them. But it is important that you do tell them, and ask for their support. You have a group here on Mayo Connect to support you through this, but you also need live in-person support from family and friends. You may choose to be selective who you share with, because you don't want to "outed" for seeking help. I watched a show produced by NBC Sports about athletes and mental challenges; go to nbcsports.com and put in headstrong in their search bar. Being an athlete with challenges of any kind, physical or emotional/mental is not the stigma it once was.

You could choose to share your postings here, and all the responses you have received, with your folks. They will see there are many ready to jump in and applaud your desire for help, that what you are going through is not unusual. If they do not have much experience in how to accept/understand mental health treatment, this may help educate them. Let us know what you decide, and how we can help further.

Sorry for the long response!
Ginger

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@keltothemoon

Thanks in advance to anyone who actually takes the time out to read this through and help me 🙂

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@keltothemoon Manni...I applaud you in reaching out to get help. In the beginning it is a bit confusing and overwhelming in trying to get information especially when one has more questions than answers, but I have found Mayo Connect to be great resource and people here are so understanding. As one who has great bouts of depression and diagnosed as bipolar, I need to remind myself to be kind to oneself.
Sending prayer, blessings n hugs your way.🙇

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@vikki1965

I think talking to a therapist would be great for you because they cannot talk with anyone about what you talk to them about

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Do u know if there are online or over the phone therapist options?

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@artscaping

Good evening @keltothemoon. Manni.....those 3 items were for you to complete. And you did a great job. You want a diagnosis, stability and a supportive environment from your family. And I need to explain to you what a therapy team does. First.....Mayo Clinic is the forerunner of working in teams so that everything needed to be understood is shared by all of the clinicians involved. In a normal environment.....you would have a psychiatrist, a therapist and someone who advises and works on your exercise and body health routine. Or something close to that. Notice that you knew the answers and just had not responded on your own.

Do you live in a city? A rural area? That can help determine ways in which a treatment program can be put together for you. And now for my last inquiry for the evening.......do you know about Rogers Behavioral Health? If you wouldn’t mind....take a look at its purpose and its programs. I have been to the one in Wisconsin. At your age.....it might have appropriate support systems that will work including financial assistance.

Let me know what you think.

I like your idea of a written introduction to your family. As you discuss, you can then make up a list of questions or issues that need answers if available.

The other item I am noticing is fear. You need some positive responses about your concerns to become a tad bit more confident. You don’t have to do everything at once......you just need to have a plan that moves you forward.

‘Night........I applaud your efforts and feel that you know more than you think you do. You just need us to help you with the “lingo”.

May you have a lovely sleep and wake to a day of comfort and ease.
Chris

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Thanks for breaking down what a therapy team is! I live in the suburbs. I haven’t heard about it but I’ll take a look later today. Unfortunately I slept terrible again, but I got thru my ACT so that’s a plus. Thanks for the overall advice so far, I’m going to work on a plan with my prior knowledge and all the new knowledge and tips and advice I pick up on here

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@erikas

@keltothemoon I'm glad you feel supported and I think it is commendable for you to recognize you need help. There is such stigma around mental health but a mental health issue is the same as having any other medical issue. There is a lack of understanding regarding mental health. I think it's important for you to know that many successful people receive mental health treatment and most of the symptoms that you speak of are likely extremely treatable through a medication and therapy combination. (Side note- Did you know our second president John Adams likely had bipolar disorder?) Early intervention is key in the treatment of mental health. What this means is that the earlier you receive treatment the more likely the treatment will successfully manage your symptoms.

How does an 18-year-old get mental health treatment when he is dependent? Well, this can be tricky. I hope that I am not too directive and forgive me if I am. I get the feeling you are wanting practical answers to your questions.

I'm assuming you are under your parents' insurance? I think the first step may be to go to your primary care and tell them your symptoms, your concerns regarding your family member's response, and that you feel you need help. Do you have a primary care provider established as an adult yet? You could schedule this appointment as your yearly physical or something. I know it's hard but try to be honest with them at the appointment. They see this kind of thing multiple times per day.

The primary care provider will most likely give your a referral for a therapist and/or discuss medication. They could also refer you to a psychiatrist. Do you think maybe your parents would feel differently if a professional felt this concern should be addressed?

You should know that despite your being on your parents' insurance, they do not have access to your mental health treatment notes. They will have access to the bills and EOB. That is why this is tricky.

There are places that offer free and cheap mental health services, not related to your medical insurance. Often your local county Health and Human Services Department will offer these kinds of resources and/or direct you to other resources. You can also google mental health resource hotline. (Do they call it a hotline anymore?) You will likely find multiple resources in your area.

I know this is difficult but you seem extremely intelligent, proactive, and savvy regarding the utilization of resources. As I said, forgive me if I was too directive.

Take care,
Erika

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First off, I had no idea that John Adams was probably bipolar, that’s an interesting fact! And to preface the rest of my response, you weren’t too direct and was amazing! Thanks for responding. I am on my parents insurance, and because our primary care is provided by our insurance they would definitely know if I went to see them. That last sentence answers the next question, as I don’t have my own primary care, as I’ve only been 18 for a short amount of time. I know for a fact that if I came to my parents with concern from a professional, they’d respond great, but I’m not sure how to do that without them knowing. I’ll check out the google hotline as well as look into free options not related to insurance, because those seem to be my only options. Thank you for responding and for just being so kind overall!

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@kaybird

Hi Manni. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My daughter is too, and I know how scary and depressing it can be. I agree with everyone else; find a therapist. It won't happen overnight; it's a process and like you've already experienced, it comes and goes. So go talk to one, and know that you may have to go back again at a later time. God Bless You!! I'll be praying for you!

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Thanks for replying! I do agree with everyone l, and from some responses I have a handful of options I’m going to look into and see if I can get help without my parents knowing, because I know for a fact that they’d respond better if there was concern from a professional. If I’m able to access a therapist, I’ll be grateful and most definitely willing to go back! It’s all about figuring out a plan at this point. Thanks for the advice and prayers! God bless you too!

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@gingerw

@keltothemoon You are awesome! You have expressed to us what so many young people go through. You have the insight to be reaching out for help, which is the first step towards feeling/getting better.

A couple of things to consider as you start along this path you have opened up for yourself. If it sounds like I am rambling, it is because my mind is charging ahead faster that my typing speed LOL Rule out any physical issues. Are you on any medications? Aim for a good physical exam to establish that there are no organic issues at play here. And while you are there, open up to the dr about your concerns. Remember, as a young man, you still have hormones laying foundation in your body, and that may contribute to your symptoms. Understandably, at this age, you are worried/concerned/ excited about where you will be heading after high school, and choices to be made. Like @artscaping, I am old too, but I can still recall the sea of possibilities and OMG! how do I make a decision? Where is that crystal ball so I can see what is the right path so I do not fail. You see, the pressure we and society put on us to succeed can be so great, we buckle under it.

Okay. Now, as far as telling your parents. You will make the right decision on the "how" you tell them. But it is important that you do tell them, and ask for their support. You have a group here on Mayo Connect to support you through this, but you also need live in-person support from family and friends. You may choose to be selective who you share with, because you don't want to "outed" for seeking help. I watched a show produced by NBC Sports about athletes and mental challenges; go to nbcsports.com and put in headstrong in their search bar. Being an athlete with challenges of any kind, physical or emotional/mental is not the stigma it once was.

You could choose to share your postings here, and all the responses you have received, with your folks. They will see there are many ready to jump in and applaud your desire for help, that what you are going through is not unusual. If they do not have much experience in how to accept/understand mental health treatment, this may help educate them. Let us know what you decide, and how we can help further.

Sorry for the long response!
Ginger

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Hi thanks for replying! No it’s not a physical issue. I take no medications besides allergy medicine (like Allegra), and I’ve recently had a sports physical and there were no issues. I’ll most definitely check out the show for athletes with mental challenges. Good idea about sharing the responses I’ve received, it might help. Also it didn’t sound like u were rambling at all, I’m plenty used to having my thoughts outrace my typing speed and actual talk lol

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@marjou

@keltothemoon Manni...I applaud you in reaching out to get help. In the beginning it is a bit confusing and overwhelming in trying to get information especially when one has more questions than answers, but I have found Mayo Connect to be great resource and people here are so understanding. As one who has great bouts of depression and diagnosed as bipolar, I need to remind myself to be kind to oneself.
Sending prayer, blessings n hugs your way.🙇

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Thank you so much for the encouragement! I can’t describe how great it is to finally talk about this and have people support me! God bless!

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local community health agencies have counseling/therapy on a sliding scale, meaning $1 week if u have no insurance. being over 18 allows you to qualify and not have to share info with family if you don't want. If you will require anti depressant meds, they can give u samples. As someone who has experienced depression my whole life, and being a therapist myself, I know meds and therapy work the best together. U don't have to go forever, just awhile to get u over this episode. Praying for u...take each day one at a time

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