← Return to Anniversary of my hospital stay/ Pregnant in the ICU

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Hi Cindi, welcome. I'm so glad that you found Mayo Clinic Connect. This is certainly a place where you can talk openly about your feelings and experiences, and your reality. I'm tagging @jslate @amandacgrow and @kristap31 on this discussion. They, too, know what it is like to remember the traumatic events of ICU and how anniversaries are rough.

I simply can't imagine what you went through then and how this past year has been, caring for a newborn, and mourning what didn't go as planned and you had imagined things would be. You probably want to be grateful for your son, your life, etc. as your family and friends suggest you should, but that is not the emotion that you are feeling right now. Might it be helpful to tell us more about how you're feeling today?

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Replies to "Hi Cindi, welcome. I'm so glad that you found Mayo Clinic Connect. This is certainly a..."

I would say that I feel haunted by the whole experience, which makes me feel lonely because no one else saw the things I did. I hallucinated entire relationships with the nurses and staff, none of it was real. Instead of feeling like a dream that fades away, they feel like memories with no one to share them because it was all in my head. I have anxiety and have had a few breakdowns this month where I will just end up crying and yelling while memories pass through my mind. It is very stressful. I am planning my Son's first birthday, which is also my 39th birthday and the anniversary of my intubation. I want to celebrate and have fun with him, but another part of me wants to avoid the whole day so preparing for the party has been difficult. I have some people helping me though and I think everything will be fall into place and we will have a good day. The anticipation is probably worse than anything. I have a hard time connecting with people because I feel they don't understand or want to hear my truth. people try to gloss over it and I just retreat. I am thankful to be able to get these feelings out.