Can Joy and Grief Live Together?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Nov 14, 2019

Recently a member posted, "I am learning that grief and joy can live together."

I've heard it said that life after a loss is like a railroad track. In other words, daily life is lived on one track and the grief and loss represent the other track and yet they run side by side. So while you are experiencing grief you are also moving forward with your daily life.

I was just wondering how are those of you have experienced loss dealing with those two tracks. How do you feel when you "get on with your current life."

Are you able to separate your current life with the remembrance of your loss?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

@lshell

i LOST MY HUSBAND AND LOVE OF MY LIFE, TOMMY, AGE 71, ON MAY 21ST, 2019. THIS THURSDAY WILL BE 6 MONTHS SINCE HE DIED IN HIS SLEEP NEXT TO ME IN OUR BED. i WOKE UP TO HIS CELLPHONE ALARM RINGING THAT HE HAD SET THE NIGHT BEFORE, BUT NEVER MOVED TO TURN IT OFF. HE WAS ON HIS SIDE FACING ME AND HIS ARM WAS STILL UNDER MY PILLOW. THERE WAS NO WARNING...HE PLAYED TENNIS, GOLF AND POKER DAYS BEFORE, AND WE HAD JUST PACKED THE CAR THAT DAY TO MOVE FROM OUR FLORIDA HOME TO OUR VIRGINIA HOME FOR THE SUMMER MONTHS. THE DAY OF HIS SUDDEN DEATH CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER, BUT EACH DAY I FIND SOME SOLACE AND PEACE BY MIXING THE JOY AND HAPPINESS THAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAN BRING TO COMFORT MY GRIEVING HEART. I READ RECENTLY THAT YOU DON'T "MOVE ON" FROM YOUR GRIEF, YOU "MOVE FORWARD" WITH YOUR GRIEF. i ACCEPT THAT GRIEF, JOY, SADNESS, LAUGHTER, TEARS, HOPE AND MORE, WILL BE PART OF MY DAILY EMOTIONS FOREVER. I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANYTHING LESS, AS I LOVE AND MISS HIM SO MUCH. IT'S WHO I AM NOW, BUT I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THE 24 YEARS OF OUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE TOGETHER AND FOR THE TREASURED MEMORIES HE LEFT BEHIND FOR ME TO SAVOR, LOVE AND ENJOY.

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My sincere condolences to you and your family. I hope the memories that you hold dear will carry you along.

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@karama

Not yet. I lost my husband only last week. I know I have to move on. Am trying very hard.

Karama.

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Condolences. Grieve at your own pace, one day at time. It okay to ask for help from friends/ family or professional help. Take your time.

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@janett18

Please don’t feel like you need to move on. You need to experience the grief as hard as that may be. For me it is like waves in the ocean. Sometimes they are mild and I just float with them. Other times the waves are so big I give into them and try to stay afloat. November 26 th will be seven years since my husband passed. Unfortunately, it was a violent and unexpected death. My ptsd comes raging up every November. It is so so hard, but I try to go with it and wait for the waves to subside. Please know you are not alone.......

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What a lovely sharing of your thoughts and feelings. Thank you.

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My husband died a year and a half ago. While I was grieving I reviewed my life. What did I accomplish? What do I want to do? A few months after my husband died I wrote another grief book. (I'm the author of about 10 grief resources.) I have the kind of mind that needs to be busy all the time, so I accepted a part-time job. Also started a second career as a doodle artist. In all that I do, I feel buoyed by mu husband's love.

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I have one more fact to add to the above post. My part-time job is Assistant Editor of the Open to Hope Foundation website, an online community for the bereaved. We're not trying to sell you anything; we're trying to help you get to the next minute, next hour, next day. I'm proud to be affiliated with this foundation.

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Ishell, I commend your willingness to experience grief and joy. I've had many losses and learned, over the years, that love is stronger than grief.

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@hopeful33250

Hi All: In this discussion, I hope we can see that we can still grieve and yet live our life. Grief does not have to be both tracks of our life. On one track we shower, eat, do the dishes, sweep the floor, go shopping, make breakfast but on the other track we remember our loved one and we grieve. Does that make sense?

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It absolutely does.

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@janett18

Please don’t feel like you need to move on. You need to experience the grief as hard as that may be. For me it is like waves in the ocean. Sometimes they are mild and I just float with them. Other times the waves are so big I give into them and try to stay afloat. November 26 th will be seven years since my husband passed. Unfortunately, it was a violent and unexpected death. My ptsd comes raging up every November. It is so so hard, but I try to go with it and wait for the waves to subside. Please know you are not alone.......

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Honestly, I don't think that there is going to be a time that I will function like I used to. There has just been too much and now I am 70. In 2007, my 32 yr old son died from cancer, in 2008 my 2nd husband of 20 yrs died from cancer, in 2009 my father died, in 2010 - my youngest child returned back to the fold after having been missing for 12 years/ age 31 severely impaired since he had been living on the street. His father, Husband #1 of 17 yrs took care of him and helped him get back on his feet as best he could. They lived together. They both died 2 days apart in 2018, my mother also died just 2 months later. Between all that, in 2016, my home burned entirely which was horrible but NOTHING hurts like the death of a child. Stuff can be replaced. I married Husband #3, moved away to his state 6 yrs after the death of Husband #2 since my oldest child was well grown with a family and this 3rd marriage has been a blessing with a huge curse of an undiscovered addiction. He is now in recovery for that. I am left with severe grief and loss and symptoms of PTSD, I've had some therapy but I don't really find it is helpful at all. Who gets it? The therapists don't. loss of a child is like none other, then add another and husband and parents + home and all belongings? The best help I have is when I am with people who are similarly situated and who know me. I have 2 very close women friends, one has lost both of her children and since the death of my 2 sons, my other friends daughter committed suicide. It is very difficult to find a new path without the avenues where I gave so much of my love. I didn't think I could go on living after the death of that first child "J", the kindest child of mine. I made the only decision I could which I still make every day - to just not die. I've been living with this for 16 yrs. I'd like to say it has it is getting better? Some parts are a bit more manageable because of acceptance of what I cannot change. The pain of grief shifts around and changes form. At least I am no longer falling apart. I had a run of breakdowns, fractures, pseudo-illnesses and all sorts of anxiety related issues that doctors recognized as grief related. They are very smart and I am very thankful for that. I'd like to find a grief support group where I live now in NYC but I have not been able to find one with in-person living breathing people. I've not found zoom too great for me. I'll just keep hanging on to God and to the hope that there is One. I DO have a new life even if it is still not a fitting one. I am blessed differently.

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